Monday, August 11, 2008

Lowered Expectations

Did you all know that, like Teh General, Pottersville has its own dating service and that it’s free? It’s true! And, ladies, have I got a guy for you!

He’s conservative, great-looking in a vulnerable, ambiguously Brokeback Mountain sort of way and, best of all, he’s a college boy whose father Bob is in the US House of Representatives and is on the fast track to the US Senate! Say hello to Justin Schaffer, the future of America!

Justin’s original Facebook page, which contained some heartwarmingly nostalgic notions about race and gender relations, has been preserved in all its glory on a mirror site before this humble son of Republican America takes it down in deference to his ambitious but equally humble father Bob.

Here’s a brief sample of the admirable political activism of Justin Schaffer:

Ah, ha ha ha! And people wonder where all those hilarious young Republican comedians come from! And, finally, not to be outdone by The manly General, there’s this take on Republican Jesus:

Now, lest you liberal ladies out there think that young Justin’s head is good only for stockpiling product, guess again. It ought to be noted that in addition to his college studies, Justin’s also a member of ROTC whose Facebook nickname is “Cap'n Bootyplunder”, no doubt a moniker that’ll be kept when he finally gets that coveted little gold bar on his epaulets. Until recently, Justin was also a proud member of “Pole Dancers For Jesus” and still belongs to “Hey, My Name’s Justin”, a thriving Facebook forum devoted to other young conservative McCain supporters who share his first name.

With typical Republican fairness and balance, Justin also, despite his hilarious anti-Obama, anti-black polemics, features a paid ad for Obama buttons on the top leftist side of his page. Republican principles be damned, this is money we’re talking about, meaning he’ll be a great provider, ladies!

Ah, but the apple never falls far from the tree as dear ole Dad can and has added to his Senatorial resume, “Supported America’s removal of Saddam Hussein in the war against radical totalitarian Jihadism. (H.J.Res. 64, RC Vote #342, 9/14/01; H.J.Res. 114, RC Vote #455, 10/10/02).” All of which being votes that, no doubt, will pay dividends as soon as we find those darned elusive Hussein/al Qaeda connections, weapons of mass destruction and some tangible evidence of Saddam making jihadist threats against America.

So who wants to be the one to pop this concupiscent conservative’s Republican-red cherry?


At August 11, 2008 at 9:55 PM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherford said...

Jesus wants Republicans to slaughter all the Democrats in America!

Justin said God told him that, so it must be true.

What WOULD Republican Jesus, armed to kill the meek and endorsing the sin of Greed, do, anyway?

Republicans raised like Justin are so deep into their worship of all things anti-Jesus, they don't even realize they thrive on everything Jesus preached against.

At August 11, 2008 at 10:07 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Some would say "Blame the parents" but in this case I think we should credit the Schaffers for producing this fine young specimen of Republican manliness.

At August 11, 2008 at 10:09 PM, Blogger Firestarter5 said...

What a schmarmy little fucking douche. His picture up top makes me want to punch his fucking teeth in.

...but that's just me.

At August 12, 2008 at 2:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why isn't this spoiled brat in Iraq or Afghanistan fighting for the cause that is just?

Speaking of Booty and plundering...
It makes you wonder just what is it..The intangible...The inexplicable... Why does his father vehemently defend such family values as:
Forced prostitution of children.
Forced abortion....

Within the Mariannas Islands?

At August 12, 2008 at 7:37 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Well, the answer to why 19 y/o Cap'n Bootyplunder isn't fighting in the Persian Gulf is simple:

It's not an issue. Trust the Schaffers when they say that their dearest flesh is fighting for our right to send poor, politically unconnected brown people in his stead by duct-taping flyers announcing Ann Coulter's latest appearance at his college.

It's the same thing, really...


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