Top 25 Most Valuable Pieces of Advice Bush Gave to Obama

This Monday, President-elect Barack Obama met with incumbent President George W. Bush for a tour of the White House. The current and future presidents spoke of domestic policies and the daunting task of transition that lies ahead. President-elect Obama was also given some advice by Mr. Bush. What were the top 25 vitally important pieces of advice passed down from the 43rd to the 44th president?

25) "...so make sure you jiggle the handle if you don't wanna flood Pennsylvania Avenue."

24) "...then there was a long, awkward moment between me and Susan Lindauer. So be advised: The trap door in front of the desk sometimes sticks."

23) "The Rose Garden don't take too well to golden showers, if you know what I mean. Lettin' loose in the pool's OK, though..."

22) "When you're joggin' in the mornin', don't run too fast or the Secret Service may tackle you. I wouldn't get too close to the silverware drawer, either. You're colored. You know how it is."

21) "About once or twice a year, Putin will get all liquored up and call at 3 o'clock in the morning asking what else you see in his eyes. Just tell him the love of Jesus and hang up."

20) "If you walk in and see McCain blubbering at your desk, just call Lieberman and he'll lead him back out."

19) "If you're gonna have casual Fridays, set some specific policies. One week, Harriet Miers showed up wearin' nothin' but a thong and checkered slippers. Brr."

18) "On Thursdays, you and Michelle may wanna order out. That's salisbury steak night. I wouldn't recommend the pretzels, either."

17) "Ain't no one ever made a soap that can wash that shit off your hands. So get someone else to change the toner."

16) "If you need a prayer rug, Lindsey Graham can get you a good deal next time he goes to Baghdad."

15) "If Harry Reid calls up looking for Seymour Butts, don't fall for it."

14) "Oh and there ain't no ghost in the Lincoln Bedroom. That was just Jack Abramoff workin' late."

13) "Ya might wanna get a can of 3 in 1 oil. It kinda unnerves the tourists when they hear the chains creakin' in the interrogation room."

12) "You also might wanna invest in a new shredder. We done wore out the last three."

11) "If a Chinese-soundin' bill collector calls about a half a trillion dollar debt, you never seen me, you never heard of me, I never worked here. Then tell him he got the wrong number, hang up then change the number."

10) "As Commander in Chief, the military will be at your disposal and they are to follow your every order. For instance, I once called in the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs and made him pat his head, rub his belly while standing on one leg all at the same time. Try it some time. It's fun!"

9) "Area 51 ain't got no aliens or spaceships. They do just one thing- Guard Col. Sanders' secret recipe of herbs and spices. At least that's what Dick and Condi tell me. Go figger."

8) "If ya ever have Talibani over for a state dinner and cabbage or beans is on the menu, don't sit downwind of him. Just trust me on this one."

7) "Don't ever let Nicholas Cage in here. The time that happened, he was pokin' around my desk and my Hustlers disappeared."

6) "When yer visitin' amputees at Walter Reed, don't try to lighten up the mood by rollin' around in their wheelchairs and askin' 'em how the food is. They're a mite touchy about that."

5) "If ya hear screaming comin' from the basement, don't pay it no never mind. Karl Rove ain't quite moved all his stuff out, yet."

4) "When you're in the War Room, the Joint Chiefs and Defense Secretary won't be none too amused if you whistle and make exploding sounds with your mouth."

3) "Wanna know how to get out of a borin' Cabinet meetin'? Wink at Bob Gates and he'll go right into his Harvey Keitel impression. Breaks up any meetin' no matter what's goin' on."

2) "See that red phone over there? Do not let your daughters or Joe Biden answer it. 'Cuz, whoo-eee, I can tell you stories, boy...!"

1) "Eight years ago, the outgoin' Clinton administration gave me some very valuable advice about Osama bin Laden and the threat of the al Qaeda network. So let me pass some valuable advice down to you: Always use sunscreen, no matter how dark you are."