The George W. Bush Preznidential Libary

Construction on the George W. Bush Presidential Library will soon commence. Below is a list of the various attractions and features that are expected to be offered:

1) The Department of Justice Room: A reverse labyrinth, this is accessible only by a series of right hand turns, housed in the main building’s right wing.

2) The Educational Sub Library: On hold because of current underfunding.

3) The Faith-Based Initiatives Chapel: The only chapel in a Presidential Library, this will give tourists/devotees a chance to reflect on how faithfully well evangelical Christianity has served the nation. Greeting you at the door is a cardboard cutout of the 43rd President and every two hours a special DVD edition of “Jesus Camp” starring Ted Haggard is played.

4) The Enhanced Interrogation Room: A vivid reminder of what kept our nation great and unattacked since 9/11, this mockup includes real cages, manacles and animatronic German Shepherds that bark when triggered by internal motion detectors. Semi-functional stocks, racks, Iron Maidens all to the tune “Please Release Me” as actually sung by President Bush can be tested by our guests either on themselves or eachother. You’ll be sure to tell all your friends about it! We’ll make sure you tell.

5) George’s Place: Midway through the tour, stop off at this built-in five star restaurant with California Congressman Duncan Hunter as your Maitre’d. Enjoy succulent dishes out of the official Gitmo cookbook and prepared as for the detainees at Guantanamo Bay by a master chef such as orange-glazed chicken, Beef Wellington and baked Alaska. (Sorry, pretzels unavailable.)

6) The Free Market: Before resuming the tour, stop off at the Presidential Library’s gift shop. Formerly on sale at fine stores in Crawford, Texas, this collectible merchandise is duty- and tariff-free, with less than half of it produced by so-called “sweat shop labor.” Choose from a range of items such as giant foam middle fingers emblazoned with red, white and blue letters spelling, “Fuckin’ A, USA!” and copies of Invading Gulf Nations for Dummies, each one signed by President Bush himself! Don’t let the steep prices scare you out of stimulating the economy: That’s just the price to pay for the wonderfully deregulated manner in which these valuable products are made.

7) The NSA Room: Resume the tour by entering a secret room adjoining the NSA room and monitor landline, cell phone calls and text messages from anyone within a 2500 mile radius as they’re being transmitted!

8) The George W. Bush Foreign Policy Institute: Situated next to the main building, this conservative think tank is devoted to the geopolitics practiced by the Bush administration. Lining the walls are pictures of all the great world leaders with whom President Bush had worked such as General Pervez Musharraf, Uzbek President Islam Karimov, the King of Saudi Arabia and Egypt’s President Hosni Mubarak.

9) The Environmental Solarium: Reflective of the Bush administration’s vigilant watch over our nation’s ecology, this wing is made entirely out of shredded and recycled paper. A running joke is that these are shredded ballots from the 2000 and 2004 elections, a certain presidential PDB and the “lost” White House emails. But trying to read the words is nonetheless discouraged by the security staff.

10) The Main Library: The climax of the guided tour is, of course, the George W. Bush Presidential Library. To be displayed are the presidential papers of the 43rd President (contingent on whether or not President Barack Obama unseals them) and books actually read by the President such as Albert Camus’s The Stranger, America, My Pet Goat and several popup books.