Saturday, January 10, 2009

What Do You Get...

for a mealy-mouthed, economically-retarded, one term Republican President who has everything? An aircraft carrier with his name on it.

There is perhaps no greater or more tragically misguided testament to the worst economic and terrorism-enabling tandem in American history than the construction and naming of two Nimitz-class aircraft carriers after each of them. In keeping with the ruinous Reagan legacy, the ship named after him was originally budgeted at $2 billion. By the time they finally commissioned the tub, it had cost $4.5 billion.

The current clone cost us $6.2 billion. That's almost $11 billion dedicated to two dictator-coddling presidents who in just twelve short years tripled the deficit and came perilously close to making the middle class disappear.

The USS George HW Bush has been called the "ultimate honor" and its dedication gave Noriega's and Pinochet's old buddy yet another opportunity to publicly blubber and to turn stomachs regaling us with stories about how he proposed to Barb and setting the stage for a conception that, if it had any semblance of decency, would've resulted not in the birth of George's namesake but a condom full of spunk flushed down a toilet in Houston.

Alas, destiny in its cruel ministrations gave us the history we have and we now have the prospect of George W. Bush, who by all rights ought to be the poster child for safe sex, having in ten or twenty years a ship named in his honor. The USS George HW Bush, alas, is the tenth and final Nimitz-class aircraft carrier.

So here are some of my guesses as to what ship Bush will have named in his dubious honor:

Done to death. Gotcha. Let's proceed...

Well, here's another ship that had collided with a huge, easily-avoidable object yet still, against all odds, managed to limp to shore just like its potential namesake!

A tugboat that would be a perfect metaphor for Bush gently guiding down the Potomac private industry and lobbyists who would eventually replace the ship of state.

A garbage scow to reflect the influence Bush and his initiatives have had on the environment. Except that garbage scows actually, you know, help keep the environment cleaner.

An oil tanker, for obvious reasons, plus yet another reflection of Bush's impact on clean water and wildlife.

The ship of state that Obama's ready to climb into. I hope he brings hip waders and a snorkel with him.

A fitting symbol for a "president" who thinks it's great that single mothers have to work three jobs to keep their heads above water. It could also reference Bush outsourcing skilled jobs to China, India and all over central America, thereby helping to complete the transition of America as a nation of skilled workers into one of minimum wage-earning shopkeepers. It's also reminiscent of Bush's "guest worker" program. All we need is for the Republican party to bring back slavery. Maybe the next time they get the majority.

How about a nice, glass-bottomed boat so tourists can see what happened to our 401(k) plans, saving accounts, the middle class, our government's moral standing and nation's credibility? However, the following may be the best vessel of all with which to honor our nation's brain-damaged buffer between the 42nd and 43rd administrations...

...a fitting tribute to Bush's innovative, optimistic, Can-Do-Even-If-We-Have-To-Make-Shit-Up-As-We-Go-Along attitude.


At January 10, 2009 at 10:49 PM, Blogger Jill said...

You forgot the boat that Showtime's fictional serial killer, Dexter Morgan uses to dispose of the parts of his kills -- the Slice of Life.

At January 11, 2009 at 11:20 AM, Blogger The Minstrel Boy said...

and remember the sage advice of master chief boatswain's mate norr who, as i was manning the hand pumps below said

when the water passes your knees lad, follow the rats.

At January 11, 2009 at 11:24 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Stevie, I'd manned a pump or two as a reluctant bo'sun's mate on the USS Yellowstone. Not a pleasant experience, m' lad. To this day I still have waking nightmares about Brasso and enclosed focsels. I was an IBM: Instant Bostswain's Mate. What a drop-off from what I did for flag and country before.

Cocksuckers. May they all rot in Hell.

At January 11, 2009 at 11:31 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

In case you're wondering what my old ship looked like, here's the tub's official web page. At the bottom of the pictures page are photos from 8 years ago long after it was decommissioned.

Man, talk about memories, none of them good. Damn you, Stevie.


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