Saturday, February 28, 2009

Looks Like This Really is the End of the Road

I know I've said it all before but I always came back because I always had a place to live, internet access. Come next month some time, that'll all be a thing of the past.

She dropped the hammer on me today. When I get my whopping $424 refund the middle of next month, I'll have a couple of weeks after that to get out. After that, she'll call the cops. Yes, she actually said that.

In between looking at my Youtube videos of my soon-to-be ex grandson Gavin, I've been scouring the Internet looking for rooms in my town to rent and am getting nowhere. I have to stay in town close to my job since I have no car. I have to get a room because I cannot afford an apartment. I will come full circle and perhaps may even wind up in the same room in which I lived as a kid 29 years ago.

But the worst part will be losing my grandson. Once I leave here, I'll never again hear his adorable voice and his semi-English, feeling him squirming in my lap while I play Elmo videos for him on Youtube, feel him slipping my pens out of the pockets of my work shirt, feeling him touch my ears and eyes and naming them. To him, one day I'll be there and the next I won't be. He'll move on and will soon forget about me. He never learned my name and no one ever taught him how to call me "grandpa."

Another thing I'll lose: Not having anything to do for anyone when I get whereever will be home after work. No dishes to wash, no driveway to shovel, no yard to mow, no repairs to do, no food to cook to feed my loved ones, no one to shop for. Like any nursing home resident, I'll soon be completely redundant, with no one depending me for anything, expecting anything out of me. When you reach that state, you're through forever.

I've devoted the last 15+ years of my life to a house that was never mine and to a family that also was never mine and this is my reward.

Not one person in this so-called family of mine stuck up for me whether or not it was their place to say. It's as if the last 15+ years never happened except I'm 15+ years older. The Navy in my DD 214 took a year out of my life on account of what I did and now I'm about to lose that 15 year-long investment.

No matter how many times I think about it, I cannot wrap my mind around this, I cannot believe this is happening to me. True, I wasn't the greatest husband or father but I was always there, making a beeline home from work. I never abused anyone in my family, never drank to excess, never took drugs, never gambled, never cheated, working the same jobs for years on end and doing everything in my power to pay the bills. I think of the things I should've and shouldn't have done but even when I add them up, it still doesn't justify this happening to me.

Then I add up what positive differences I made and still make. But apparently, in this cruel, shitty world, that's not enough.

I'd staked my whole identity on being a family man. Everything else came second. It was all I ever wanted, even as a child. And with two rejections from literary agencies in the last two days, I haven't a claim to stake even as a writer any more than I will as a family man.

In all honesty and sincerity, I just do not see how I will be able to survive out there. I'm being given weeks to reassemble a life that took 15+ years to build and was senselessly destroyed.

So when I drop out of sight for good, you'll know. I'll give you that much warning. But I cannot guarantee that I'll resurface anywhere else because I'm about to lose my very last reasons for living.


At February 28, 2009 at 8:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I read somewhere:

Every problem is an opportunity in disguise....

This will indeed be a tough time, but not the end of the road.
You are too talented to just fade away.

Maybe it's time to think just about yourself.

At February 28, 2009 at 8:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wish I lived closer...
I'd give you a place to stay anyway.

At February 28, 2009 at 8:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, stop that. I have two teenagers, melodrama doesn't do shit for me. You have a brilliant mind, and a body that continues to function. Don't waste it! you know how many people would be happy just to have that much to work with? Whatever illusion you painted for yourself, your life is yours and yours alone. Make what you will of it - if you choose to serve, find a food bank, an old folks' home or an ecosystem to help with. If you choose to lead (and those two options are intertwined), just carry on as you have been with us.

I don't want to sound mean, I'm awfully fond of you. But buck up, for Christ's sake! You have so much potential, don't piss it away feeling sorry for yourself. (I'm sorry, I KNOW you're not a teenager but I keep reverting to mom-mode!)

OK, if the tough love thing doesn't work for you go ahead and moan at me and I'll go back to being sympathetic. Or suck in your gut, cock your chin and go out to face the rest of your life. Anything less is a disservice to those of us who have faith in you.

At February 28, 2009 at 9:09 PM, Blogger Bukko Boomeranger said...

JP: It sounds like you've been living with Republicans. (I remember what you wrote about your Ma-in-Law.) People with the attitude of "What have you done for me lately? You can be replaced, you know. Your life is meaningless to us."

Truth be told, you don't come across as an easy person to be around. You're fierce, aren't you mate? People who are too intense can be intimadating to mellow sorts; to the people who are content to not pay attention. How much of the marital tension came to the fore AFTER you had your political awakening?

That said, try to turn your ferocity outward instead of inward. Get angry, not sad. That's what I did after Mrs. Bukko #1 came to the same conclusion about me as yours did about you (the bitch. I mean my bitch, not yours.) Venting my anger through exercise helped get me in great shape! Walking, long bicycle rides, manic sessions at the gym... I used a negative to make me more positive.

Not to say there weren't some shitty times. It also helped that I had a rich relative who died and left me more than six figures. I don't suppose you can count on that. But you'll get through it.

Focus on your strengths. You've got a job, you're intelligent, women will find you interesting. The reason I mention women is because it's easier to get through life if you have someone to watch your back. If you hang out around political groups, since that seems to be one of your things, you'll hook up with a new set of people to ease the psychic burden.

And literary rejection should be the least of your worries. In this economy, you think anyone new is going to be getting book contracts? It's not you, old boy, it's the system.

At February 28, 2009 at 10:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

JP, I'm so sorry. I've been divorced twice; it's like chemo without pot, flowers or health insurance.

You do get through it, though. I don't have much useful advice, except: Try to get laid (not with your spouse). It'll make you feel a lot better. (Someplace in your town is a nice lady in the same boat. Probably several, in fact. Find one. This isn't romance--you're not up for that yet. It's just a two-person fuck-buddy support group.)

Is your grandson old enough to talk on a phone? Will his mother let you call him? It's hard to have an independent relationship with a kid that age (I'm guessing around 1 year old) without his parents' okay, but you might point out that he's going to be wondering where the hell you went, and that a little boy can always use more concerned adults in his life (it takes a village and all that).

As for yourself, you're easily one of the best writers on the Internet, and that's saying something. There's surely a way to cash in on that. Not all literary agencies can be as fatheaded as the two you just heard from. Try a nonfiction format, if you can--it's what you do on this blog, essentially, and you're clearly terrific at it.

And for Chrissake, put up a tip box.

- Molly, NYC

At February 28, 2009 at 10:58 PM, Blogger Juan Moment said...

JP, in five years you'll be sitting somewhere nice, next to you a wonderful person you've hooked up with since the break up, and you two will be having a laugh as you are wandering down memory lane.

JP:"Hey babe, remember how we first met? Me slumbed over a glass of stale beer down at Harry's Inn and you asking me for a light?"

WP:"Sure hon, how could I forget. You looked so sad with your uncombed hair hanging into the glass, I just had to get you to lift your head. And boy did you give me fire.." [licks her lips]

JP:"Yep darling, what a night it was. I am still sore today..."

At February 28, 2009 at 11:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Juan, shouldn't it be the WP who's sore? Otherwise, you're making it sound like JP is into pegging. I don't know what you know that we don't know, but I'm glad I don't know it.

At February 28, 2009 at 11:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Look to CraigsList.Org for all your needs. There's rooms for rent; casual hookups; long term hookups; or a little manual hand release if needed. Place some
wanted ads there. Call or stop in
your local Social Services office
to see if you will qualify for some
assistance to get you on your feet.
Maybe you should get a car too.
I just got a fresh start with new
house; new car; new job and new
life all on Craigslist.
You've got the gifts! Maybe a little time to pull all the reigns
in but through it a new clear vision will present itself.
Ever think of moving the hell away?
That always forces you to get out of the shell and explore. New people in your life.
And I'm with Bukko on the "living
with Republicans" too bad.
Good luck to you. Use the library's computers to write online. We are your family! And it's a hell of a good, sincere, and honest family.

At March 1, 2009 at 9:08 AM, Blogger Firestarter5 said...

"Looks like this really is the end of the road..."

If you've reached a dead end or a closed door did you just stand there and do nothing? No, you turned around and looked for another way.

A month ago, my job, after 20 years, was eliminated. THAT is a shock to the system, but it's not the end of the road.

You haven't reached the end of the road, you've been detoured and forced to take another route.

At March 1, 2009 at 10:34 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

More likely End of A Road...
Good luck, & don't think no one cares, 'cause we do.

At March 1, 2009 at 11:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What Ed said +1


At March 1, 2009 at 1:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fortunately, Reality is much richer and any one road. The possibilities seem limited, but they are endless. The shock of your situation is giving you false perceptions. Your writing and sharp political mind are the only things of real value. The emotional mind will rule shortly, but the rational mind will return. What writer was NOT rejected? Write no matter the consequences.

At March 1, 2009 at 2:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I meant to write...

Fortunately, Reality is much richer than any one road.

At March 1, 2009 at 2:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh dear, I'm really sorry to hear that.

JP, I have been reading your writing on and off for several years now. Back when your blog was "jurassicpork", then "Welcome to Pottersville" and then "Welcome back to Pottersville". You yourself know better than me how long that is and I just came back because I missed your writing. If that doesn't account for anything.

They can't take that away from you. And Gavin, if there is some of the fine man you are in him, will be coming looking for you. And he will ask for you. He is your grandson, there is no such thing as an ex-grandson. An ex-wife maybe, but never an ex-child or ex-grandchild.

I will keep my eyes open for where you will be showing up next. Writing is nothing a man like you can stop. It's your nature. And it's highly appreciated by this old german lady.

I'm sending hugs and blessings to you.

At March 1, 2009 at 2:31 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

I've spent more than 15+ years trying to make amends for both things I did and didn't do. These last 5 1/2 years, I suck it out in a dead-end, menial, miserably paying job, showing more grit, determination and consistency than I ever showed anyone.

My best isn't enough, as both a human being and even as a writer. I've hit not one but two brick walls.

True, it's tough out there but lit agencies are still open for business, are still taking on new clients and firsttime authors. I guess I just don't have it.

No one, especially those who don't me and see me, know my emotional state and my mindset, really appreciates how bleak my so-called future truly is. She just will not give me a chance to redeem myself and my post-SEAL career is really about redemption.

I just wanted to be normal and nominally successful. That's all. I just needed a break. It just wasn't in the cards, I guess.

At March 1, 2009 at 2:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Probably useless suggestion: I gather that you're not legally married. As Damon Runyan once said, if Benny the Bum made a bona fide proposal of marriage to the Queen of Sheba, she'd at least hear him out.

This is clearly a Hail Mary move, and I don't know how applicable it is to your situation, but if you think it'd be worth it, you might give it a shot.

And you do too "have it." Why do you think we read this damn blog? Did you tell the idiots at those literary agencies that you come fully loaded, with a fan base that'll buy your fucking book? In hardcover, even?

At March 1, 2009 at 3:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Don't give up hope. This relationship may be circling the drain, but there will be other ones.

As for the writing, you're seriously terrific. Don't confuse your luck with your worth.

Y'know, Steve Gilliard, like you, was funny, insightful, knowledgeable about so many things, and (like you) a big presence in the blogosphere. But you could see from his photos that he was the sort of guy you could have walked by without noticing, and when he passed, it turned out his whole family had no idea that he had this rather influential online life, or that people all over the world mourned his death.

The point is, although there's always a disconnect between your flesh-and-blood life and your online persona, it doesn't invalidate your accomplishments on the latter, including your gob-smackingly fine writing and the respect and affection of your readership.

You're really good, and good things will happen to you. Hang in there.

The suggestion about a tip jar isn't bad. People want to help you. Give them a way to do it.

At March 1, 2009 at 3:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've read this entry several times before taking the plunge to respond. The truth is...I don't have any answers for you....But,you'll find them in time and for yourself. One thing to be sure of,you're not alone-- even though it feels otherwise. I know it doesn't help to type this,but I'll do so anyway;everything is ephemera...For the best...Or for the worst. 15 years IS a long time...But,in the grand scheme of things,it's just blip when compared to the total number of years you'll be spending on this planet. People come,people go,and there's not a goddamned thing you can do about it. It IS frustrating and there are no guarantees.. Life is often frustrating,I'm convinced it's more about loss than victory...But it's a lot easier to market victory. Victory,everyone wants a piece of her. All one can do is adapt and make an attempt to be somewhat sanguine about what lies ahead. You've got some things in your favor,that's much more than a lot of folks have. I wish you most sincerely the best of luck.

At March 1, 2009 at 3:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Past events cannot be changed, but you can change what the past means.

Life isn't going to be fair--it is oblivious to human happiness. Don't look to society for any rewards because it's just Pottersville and Pottersville doesn't care what you sacrifice--your political insights must be integrated into you real world view. That is why your self identity and happiness must be based on something else that isn't external.

Potterville will always reject your writing but that doesn't mean you will not get published. Matt Taibbi wrote for New York Press (you remind me a lot of Matt Tabbi) and they hated him, and laid him off. He was just living in a New York apartment. Then a few months later he was writing for Rolling Stones magazine.

You will find a place, just don't stop writing because that is the precondition to moving on as an author, and it will help you keep your sanity. This may sound insane now but this bad experience will actually make you a better writer--without pain we would not learn anything. You can't control the person rejecting you, so there is no point obsessing about it--it will just burn up needed mental energy for your next project.

Be careful of the word "successful" because it tends to change its meaning to fit any situation. It must be your word and not someone's else--it can't be Pottersville's definition which it now has a monopoly.

There are no "cards" only your freedom to choose.

At March 1, 2009 at 5:08 PM, Blogger Werner said...

This is my first response to any of your posts, but I've been an avid reader for years of this blog in it's different incarnations.
Don't give up hope. You really are a terrific writer, with great passion.
Just continue to speak your truth.

And thanks for helping to light my fire over these last few years.

At March 1, 2009 at 6:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel for you, and wish only the best for you. Remember, when all else fails, you can keep up with all your internet friends at the public library for free. This isn't the end, just the end of a beginning.

Thinking happy thoughts for you. Let me know if you end up in Vegas, ok?

At March 1, 2009 at 6:25 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Vegas? Vegas?? Ingrid once wanted to take me to Vegas to get married. I said no.

Biggest mistake I ever made.

At March 1, 2009 at 6:49 PM, Blogger nunya said...

I could be glib, but I'm not going to. You are considering a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

At March 1, 2009 at 7:19 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Define "temporary", Heidi.

At March 1, 2009 at 9:56 PM, Blogger lisahgolden said...

Nunya is right about the permanence of what you might be considering. At least I think it's permanent.

What's happening to you sucks and it especially sucks because it's out of your control.

What happens next is in your control. Don't let that be the last thing you do.

At March 1, 2009 at 11:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My first wife died (brain tumor), the second one I could have killed! I've been in a war, lost a wife and got divorced. In a war shit happens, with a death you grieve and get closure, but the divorce hangs in there with incredible stress. It was probably the hardest of the three. Egos can become a problem. However, it does get better and you do get over it. Right now you're stressed to the max and your mind is going a hundred but it'll numb up and you'll began to see things in a better light. Hell, the experience may even give you some valuable insight for your writing.

Hang in there and don't do anything stupid!

At March 2, 2009 at 1:51 AM, Blogger Stan B. said...

Life sucks- it's pain, suffering, hell- however the Buddhists describe it. The pain is real and it's gonna last- and if ya try and do it all on your own, it's gonna eat ya up raw. Get involved in some community outreach program, right now a whole lotta people are being tossed out into the street right up shit's creek. Get involved with others on the down and out to create something positive. You got the organizational and inspirational skills within ya to lift up not only yourself, but many more in similar and yes, worse circumstances. Share that insight and determination, channel that anger and remorse into something that can help shine a light into others' lives... it's the one real shot you got!

At March 2, 2009 at 2:22 AM, Blogger Bukko Boomeranger said...

And don't forget -- if you kill yourself, then SHE will have won! The person who gets to piss on the other one's grave -- that's victory. You don't want that, do you?

Be like my mom. She hated my dad's guts (he was probably a lot like yours, from your past descriptions, although mine got better in his old age once he dropped the Army bullshit and turned into a blue-dog Democrat.) They should have gotten divorced in 1967, but she stuck it out for another 40 years, mainly so she could outlast him. Unfortunately, when that happened two years ago, Ma found that having a paid-for but empty house, and living on his two fat government pensions plus Social Security survivor's benefits, still did not produce happiness. But hey, she saw him off first...

Anyway, make this your motto: "I'll see you dead, bitch!" Only, make sure to do it the nice, legal way.

At March 2, 2009 at 4:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


step 1: Make sure you have access to the internet wherever you go.

step 2: go on writing.

step 3: make sure you have a paypal account.

step 3: Write a teaser for the first chapter of your book and ask for whatever you think is appropriate for the whole chapter.

step 4: When you sold and mailed your first chapter to your readers (and I will be most likely to be among those) go back to step three and do it all over again until your book is read and sold.

Hell, who needs publishers, it's the days of the internets rememeber?

I bet you'll make money from your writing - how could you not.

last step: You'll be so busy sending your chapters around, that you'll forget the pain.

OK. You can start laughing at me now.

At March 22, 2009 at 7:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I'd staked my whole identity on being a family man."

Without getting married? Okay, whatever you say.

At March 19, 2010 at 3:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

free hot shemales pics


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