Friday, June 5, 2009

We're Not in California Anymore, Toto.

(Tip o' the tinfoil hat to Jill Hussein at Brilliant at Breakfast.)

For any fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000, have you ever wondered what it would be like to riff on political figures as they're giving speeches? Well, unless you enjoy a good tasering, it wouldn't be a good idea these days to interrupt our elected wind machines.

Fortunately, we have AK Muckraker from Alaska. Recently, AK went to a Sarah Palin speech in which he had a ringseat seat to Alaska's Governor's wrestling match with the English language. You guys have praised me taking one for the team for dipping into FreeperLand for a few minutes and reporting the results. But actually sitting through a twin bill of Sarah Palin and Michael Reagan, transcribing the text, then having to retype it demonstrates a devotion that's above and beyond the call of duty, a quasi-suicidal one that borders on calling for an intervention.

Plus, as an added bonus feature, AK even interjected some snarky commentary like an MST3K wannabe cracking wise with his best friend beside him. Talk about being in the belly of the Beast.

AK Muckraker's post, "Screw Political Correctness", an actual quote from Palin, is a masterpiece of transcendental transcribance (shit, her fractured command of English is actually communicable!), one that cannot merely be squeezed between others into a "Twenty Bucks Same as in Town". No, no, this is the Porsche 911 of blog posts. What follows below is a sample:
But, we have to remember first that Ronald Reagan never won any arguments in Washington. He won the arguments by resonating with the American people. Those of us so proud to be Americans, and willing to acknowledge that no, we’re not a perfect nation, but never never do we have to apologize for being proud of our country. (applause)

(What does that even mean??)

So Ronald Reagan spoke to us then with us here in our hearts is where he reached us, and that’s where he won the arguments and then, this was, this was the good part, we the American people through him, we imposed our will on Washington, and that is the way it’s supposed to be.

(I think that sentence may get the Word Salad award.)

Our government is supposed to be working for us, we are not to be working for our government. It’s our will to be imposed on them. (applause) He captured our hearts so he could affect positive change by what he did. He focused on our kids, on our children, on their future, on the future of America. And when he fought socialism and any sort of tyranny that he knew would ruin us, he stood strong on his knowing that the framework through which he believed that positive change that framework for our kids, it was freedom.

(Wait…….maybe it was that one)

And so forth and so on for 17, that's seventeen, torturous minutes of historical and intellectual waterboarding. Standing tall in her cork and red leather shoes, she was still delivering her hazy hagiography while introducing Michael Reagan, a man who recently advocated shoving grenades up the rectums of Arabic infants and blowing them up.

So put on your Steger Moosehide Mukluks and tromp on over to the Mudflats and read this massive but hilarious post. After all, if this poor bastard could sacrifice some brain cells listening to Sarah Palin and Michael Reagan all night long, then transcribe their lunacy not once but twice, you can sit through the fruits of his labor for 5-10 minutes. However, as a friendly advisory, I can't guarantee it won't be less traumatic than Mancow's brave 6 seconds of waterboarding.


At June 5, 2009 at 7:35 PM, Anonymous AKMuckraker said...

Hey, thanks for the nice writeup! I've almost completed the mental detox after that horrifying event.

A slightly shortened version is up on Huffington Post.

Loved your take!

At June 5, 2009 at 7:36 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Thanks, dude. Just riding on your coattails.

At June 5, 2009 at 10:48 PM, Anonymous Foxwood said...

I will not live in a Socialist/Communist America. That's were we are heading. To learn is to know.

At June 6, 2009 at 3:30 AM, Blogger William N. Grigg said...

First of all, "riffing" political speeches ala MST3K is the only way my older kids and I can endure them. (My oldest son William is 11, and he already displays a mordancy worthy of Tom Servo; too bad he can't sing like Kevin Murphy, but then again, who can?)

As to the other item mentioned in the closing graphs of your piece:

In addition to being an impenetrable mush-mouth and an idiot of such magnitude he makes Sean Hannity look like Wittgenstein, Michael Reagan is a turdball with a center composed of pure hatred.

I hadn't heard his comment about sodomizing (how else can you describe it?) Arab infants with high explosives and then murdering them, but that's entirely in keeping with other hate-saturated stuff that has dribbled down Reagan's grimy, flabby chins.

I literally grit my teeth and weep every time I see photos of what our government has done to children in the Middle East. I don't know how any decent person can do otherwise, irrespective of the political or religious nonsense their parents are involved in. Children should be entirely off limits -- especially babies, for God's sake!

Reagan professes to be a Christian; he makes a great show of working on behalf of abused children, and of his purported "pro-life" convictions. Yet he believes that summarily murdering Arab children would be morally defensible.

Honestly, this may be the single ugliest thing to emerge from the skull-cave of a Rabid Right figure of any stature. God help Reagan if he ever came within takedown radius of me; he'd either end up in traction or at least fitted for the millstone he richly deserves.

At June 6, 2009 at 8:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear Foxwood,
1) why, because the capitalists did such a good job? it's not just the system, it's who's in charge of it.
2) that's "where"; learn to spell.


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