Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Matrix of Happenstance

Pastor Steven L. Anderson
Faithful Word Baptist Church
2707 W Southern Ave, Suite #105
Tempe, AZ 85282
(480) 248-4082

Greetings, Mr. Anderson:

My colleagues and I have been reading with great interest the transcripts of your sermons and have been listening to the audio recordings of your pontificating from your bully pulpit and I have a proposition for you:

I, too, have similar views about humankind and there's much common ground that we share, Mr. Anderson. I, too, hate the Sodomites (by the way, the chief Sodomite on Capitol Hill is named Barney Frank, not Franks. Just a small niggling detail.). They are not deserving of Christian mercy any more than are Catholics, Jews, lesbians, sexually active gay Lutheran pastors, sexually deviant pastors who smoke the pink cigar, abortionists, daytime talk show hosts, purveyors of pornography and most Protestant denominations outside the Baptist faith. Were I of your profession, Mr. Anderson, I too would cast them from the congregation as per Hosea. You are to be commended for completely ignoring the more liberal half of the Bible, which is the namby-pamby New Testament where Jesus says to hate the sin but love the sinner, turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbor.

It is obvious that homosexuals are coming from somewhere. Of course, it impossible for them to breed as it is impossible for them to be born to heterosexual parents every day. They must be indoctrinated. Why hardly a day goes by when I am not accosted by some limp-wristed, show tune humming nancy boy who lays his hand upon my arm and asks me, "How would you like to be gay? I can turn you."

Likewise it was brilliant of you to point out the fact that these specially protected deviants and pillow-munchers have no natural enemies. It would be highly amusing to hear what Mathew Shepard has to say on the subject or it would be had he not been murdered by a pair of right-thinking Americans for reasons other than his homosexuality.

You say you preach the Bible although I fail to see where God or anyone else mentions the $700 billion bailout bill forcefully rammed through Congress by the Sodomite Frank and signed into law by President Bush (although I'm sure we can count on the goldfish memory of the American public to somehow make Obama fully responsible for it).

Yet you are right in saying that the creatures of the field overpopulate and that took a lot of courage to say that as a man who plainly loves his wife so much that he turned her vagina into a clown car and produced with her five babies by the time she had attained the age of 30.

Praying for the President's death was a nice touch and I'm curious to know whether you had invited your children at their evening prayers to similarly pray for the death of their president. Teach 'em young, as we say. Wishing for Obama's teeth to be broken in his mouth as King David would have it and salting him like the slug that he is was a brilliant mixed metaphor that seems peculiar only to courageous conservatives such as yourself.

So, yes, Mr. Anderson, we share similar views. Like you, I feel I walk about this world blinded by a fog of filth and look at those who don't replicate me and my colleagues as bags of pus and meat. The world reeks of such individuals and only people such as me know how glorious it is to revel day in and day out in a blind, orgiastic rage of all that which does not subscribe to my own belief system.

The problem we have with you, Mr. Anderson, is that while you are a promising misanthrope, you are not quite there, yet. There is just enough love within you to make you abominable in my eyes as surely as you would be a loathsome, abominable thing in the eyes of the Old Testament God as described by your spiritual forebear Jonathan Edwards. It isn't enough to hate the fags and liberals and Catholics and non-Baptists. You must hate everyone as do I, Mr. Anderson.

Join us and we can achieve wonderful things in the matrix of happenstance.

By the way, if a fat, bald, black guy with a gap-toothed smile offers you a red and blue pill, take my advice and take the blue pill. Just trust me on this.

Yours in self righteous hatred,
A. Smith


At August 24, 2009 at 9:51 AM, Blogger mtshaffer said...

Ya shoulda singed it "Screwtape."

At August 24, 2009 at 11:13 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

I take it you've never seen any of the Matrix movies?


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