Monday, September 20, 2010

Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over

Recently, Yahoo! News published a feature on what not to do if you ever get pulled over by a police officer. Conspicuously missing from the feature were what not to say in that situation. What are the top ten worst things to say to a police officer after getting pulled over?

  • 10) "You must be new in town or fresh out of the academy. OK, you go straight, hang a right at the next set of lights and Dunkin' Donuts is right there on your left."

  • 9) "No, I'm not a lawyer but I slept in a Holiday Inn last night with your wife."

  • 8) "You know, if it wasn't for the two headless bodies in the trunk, I could've outrun you."

  • 7) "I'd pay your salary with my taxes if I didn't cheat on them every year!"

  • 6) "I don't know where the registration is, Officer. Pop the trunk and ask the owner."

  • 5) "Riddle me this: What drives a motorcycle, is dressed in blue and too stupid to pass the detective's exam?"

  • 4) "My other car's the Batmobile and you're about to blow my secret identity, flatfoot!"

  • 3) "Sucks for me that Wal-Mart or the mall's not hiring security guards."

  • 2) "I've been waiting for this opportunity. For months, I've been practicing reciting the alphabet backwards while dead drunk."

  • 1) "What are you packing, a 9 millimeter? I'm sorry about your small penis."

    At September 20, 2010 at 3:37 PM, Anonymous Mr. Helpful Suggestion said...

    Not being sarcastic here, but since you're unemployed and say you have a history of writing jokes for people like Dangerfield, have you ever considered doing open-mic nights at comedy clubs? Not sure if your small town has anything like those, though. However, look at how many people have turned troubled personal lives and bad economic circumstances into successful comedy. It wouldn't be an easy row to hoe, but is the life you're living now all that easy anyway?

    At September 20, 2010 at 3:48 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

    You know, it's funny you should as that. Just last night while watching Lewis Black I was thinking if it was too late to start a standup career. Of course, you could be the funniest, most brilliant writer in the world but it won't count or spit unless you can execute onstage. It's something to think about, surely. The problem is when you're just starting out, you work for a free a lot and I live off the beaten path as regards comedy clubs (they tend to be in urban areas like Boston, which is about 25 miles away).

    At September 21, 2010 at 8:54 AM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherford said...

    "Why, yes, Officer, I have been drinking this evening!"

    At September 21, 2010 at 9:48 AM, Blogger Bartender Cabbie said...

    Probably not a good idea to call a cop Barney, Barn or Fife.

    At September 22, 2010 at 12:05 AM, Blogger Rusty Shackleford said...

    I liked George Carlins line...officer,you're a public servant are'nt you? Then get me a glass of water.


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