Sunday, July 17, 2011

Dear Kevin Ryan

Dear Kevin Ryan:

I had read with right proper heterosexual indignation your immortal screed, Public School Indoctrination, in your ultra right wing Crisis Magazine. Surely, the primary venue for this deathless prose was an apt one, sir, for homosexuality, bisexuality and people born to the wrong gender are epidemics that have plagued mankind since God the Celestial Butcher removed a rib from Adam and somehow made Eve. And we have SB48 or the FAIR Act, to thank for these sexual deviants being handed another excuse to come screaming out of the closet in all their swishy, spandexed glory.

The FAIR Act, was, in your words, "overwhelmingly passed" by the state legislature. This is the dark side of democracy, when the will of the few, the proud and the shrill, meaning we sexual patriots, is subverted by the majority. Somehow and some way we must subvert the will of the people. Perhaps we should make a call to our compatriots in the Church of LDS (The Mormons), since they were such a good luck talisman in overturning state-sanctioned gay marriage in that same state.

If I lived in California (which, like you, I don't but if I did), I certainly wouldn't want my child learning about homosexual history. In fact, if I had my way, I wouldn't want my children learning that such people even exist. When we accidentally found ourselves at a gay pride parade in Boston recently, my children asked me who the colorfully dressed, half naked men were. I replied that Cirque de Soleil was in town and that they just didn't feel like doing any acrobatics today.

And I concur with you, sir. I certainly do not want my children learning about what passes for gay history. Would his lot in life be improved by learning that Harvey Milk or Barney Frank exists? Hardly, sir. And, as we all know, homosexuality strikes only liberals and Democrats. And we wouldn't want them being corrupted by the Democrat Party, now would we?

We need, instead, to teach our kids that it actually gets worse if they open themselves up to shame and ridicule by coming out of the closet, so to speak. The most effective way to isolate those confused children is to make them think they are all alone and that no homosexuals at any time in history have distinguished themselves or did anything for the public good.

And if the public school system in California nearly 3000 miles away from where we live insists on obeying the law and exposing those far away children to homosexual history and public ridicule by encouraging them in their lifestyle choice, then the answer, obviously, is to throw away the baby with the bath water and to simply replace the public school system and the bloated union oligarchs who teach in it with a privatized voucher system.

Despite the fact we both live in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, who knows how long it'll take for this cancer in California to metastasize its way 3,000 miles eastward. We Bay Staters already have a proud tradition of banning and segregating things for their own sake but if this radical homosexual agenda to educate children about gay history is allowed to run unchecked, who knows, we may one day actually have to suffer through abominations such as gay marriage then it will spread all over New England, to New York State, perhaps even our nation's Capitol and in unlikely places such as Iowa.

In lieu of abolishing the entire public school system in the largest state in the union, perhaps we ought to take a cue from the Texas Bored of Education, who, in its infinite Republican wisdom, decided to strike out any reference to Thomas Jefferson and other possible homosexual characters from our nation's history (He did wear his hair long and was known to wear fur-collared coats.).

Were this law not rammed through with the industry of a Viagra-engorged Barney Frank at an all-gay orgy, our children would not be exposed to historical abominations such as:

  • The 300, the story of a handful of Spartans at a place called Thermometer who'd somehow managed to repel 100,000 Persians using only their spears and erect penises when they weren't sodomizing each other.

  • The Stonewall Inn riot which started the whole rainbow-colored ball rolling and resulted in the emergence of...

  • The inbred lunatics of the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas, who need to picket every funeral in North America to highlight America's constant comeuppance for tolerating homosexuality. If it wasn't for the gay agenda, these people would be assuming their rightful role: Organizing bake sales, making signage for the RNC and fending off incest charges from the Kansas Attorney General.

    In summation, Mr. Ryan, the best way to prevent more Matthew Shepards is to keep these confused and highly impressionable children in the closet and to make them think they are all alone until their silly "homosexual phases" go away. In the meantime, there's always Marcus Bachmann, himself a deeply conflicted man who had somehow risen from his conflicted status to become the arm candy of a leading United States Congresswoman.

    Your humble and obedient servant,



    At July 18, 2011 at 5:57 AM, Anonymous Fan of Teh General said...

    Dude, are you trying to channel Teh General?

    At July 18, 2011 at 11:56 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

    Only when his spirit moves me.

    At July 18, 2011 at 12:38 PM, Anonymous Dee in NJ (sadly) said...

    Brilliant as usual. Love the inclusion of my favorite people, the beloved Westboro Baptist Church, who came into being shortly after I left the Kansas City area. They must have missed me (I think not).


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