Saturday, August 13, 2011

Dear Chairman Rinsed Penis, Pt. 5

O glorious day! Another boilerplate email containing good news from our Chairman, Rinsed Penis, Rice Plebe, the former stimulus hog who replaced the black guy.
Dear ,

The Republican Party won a great victory over the Big Union bosses and Obama Democrats Tuesday night, and we could not have done it without the support you have given the RNC.

Last November, Wisconsin voters elected new leaders to get their state back on track. When they did, union bosses lost their allies in the state house and vowed to stop at nothing to return Wisconsin to the failed politics-as-usual. They orchestrated a recall election for selfish political retribution -- all the while Governor Scott Walker and Republicans in Wisconsin worked to put people back to work and turned deficits into surpluses.

This past Tuesday, Wisconsin voters reaffirmed their support of Republican leadership in their state and rejected the reckless spending of Wisconsin Democrats and the downgrade-inducing policies of their Washington counterparts. The people have given their seal of approval to Republicans' successful efforts to balance the budget and ensure a healthy economy.

Because of your support of the RNC, we were able to help the Wisconsin Party's grassroots efforts and provide strategic resources to keep our majority in the state senate.

  • We provided staff on the ground;

  • Funded a voter ID program;

  • Worked with the Wisconsin Party on contact lists and a Get-Out-The-Vote plan;

  • Provided Get-Out-The-Vote technology and equipment to the state party; and,

  • Funded the absentee ballot program.

  • Dear Chairman Rinsed Penis:

    Once again, you're showing what an optimistic yet humble leader of our party that you are in your boilerplate email that once again fails to complete its salutation. First, let's focus on your optimism, no doubt informed by the fact you're a former head of the Wisconsin Republican Party:

    It goes without saying that liberals are dirty dancing in the streets over the fact that the Wisconsin GOP actually lost two seats in the state senate and that Democrats fell just one seat shy of grabbing the majority, thereby making a recall of Gov. Scott Walker much likelier.

    One of the Republicans who narrowly won back her seat, the aptly-named Alberta Darling, obviously had God or Waukesha County's Kathy Nickolaus on her side. Because, an hour before all the precincts from District 8 reported in, Darling's incumbency looked to be in doubt, then a lead of a mere 1600 votes suddenly ballooned into an insurmountable lead of nearly 5,500. Naturally, liberals still sore in the kiester over the Supreme Court-blessed 2000 Florida election, are harping all over the fact that County Clerk Nickolaus hadn't reported 10 of 11 wards as of 11:25 p.m.. And, despite the fact that her office was investigated by Wisconsin liberals last April after the Prosser election, there is nothing to suggest any impropriety in Ms. Nickolaus's office despite the votes being counted on her Atari 2300 PC and the fact that she's been seen driving a Rolls Royce with a vanity plate reading "KCHLVR" on it.

    The Democrat Party of Wisconsin made the usual allegations against the usual suspect and later had to retract their blasphemous allegations (think it's any coincidence the state party chair was accompanied by a former writer from The Onion named Graeme Zielinski?).

    So, claiming the GOP scored "a great victory" over the unions would be defined as an overstatement by the liberals in WI and elsewhere but I prefer to look at it as desperate optimism. And desperate times, as Ronald Reagan once said, calls for desperate measures against the poorest and neediest.

    The second issue I'd like to address is your bold humility in not telling the proletariat about everything the Republican Party did to secure two less seats in the state senate. You mentioned getting out the vote and funding a Voter ID program that successfully screened out a lot of black and poor people who would've wasted their vote on liberal Democrats, anyway. But there were other initiatives for which you're not taking credit, such as:

  • Sending out fliers telling Democrat voters to turn in their absentee ballots after election day. If they can't take a joke, fuck 'em.

  • Taking advantage of a loophole in WI primary law by running six Republican ringers as fake Democrats to get them on the ballot so real Republicans would run unopposed. The fact that all six lost to the real thing only shows the lockstep and ideologically hidebound nature of liberal voters.

  • Part of the WI GOP's GOTV program involved putting up posters and making robocalls to Republican voters to take part in the Democrat primary and to show their support for unions by voting for the playacting Republicans.

  • In the balance, Chairman Penis, opposing the Socialist Obama agenda nationwide and using the Wisconsin recall elections as a springboard for such a movement is a bold but risky move. And if it takes losing two seats in the state senate every year until Obama is himself unseated, then so be it.

    Huzzah! Let's have another recall election. Go call the Koch brothers and see what they decide this time what's best for the Badger State.

    Your humble and obedient servant,



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