Thursday, September 1, 2011

"Published Author"

What follows is an amazingly brainless series of tweets from Christine O'Donnell's cell phone. She's trying to tell the story of how she got invited, then disinvited, then reinvited and re-disinvited from the Tea Bagger rally in Indianola, Iowa when the Palin camp kept threatening to pull out if O'Donnell's invitation wasn't rescinded. She starts out with a semblance of literacy by tweeting...

From here on in, it all goes downhill when Christine just simply can't distinguish or acknowledge the different formats and purposes between Twitter and Facebook. And you'd think, with some of her book signings only attracting five people or less, she'd have more time to proof-read her tweets before sending them out to her nearly 16,000 followers. But if you thought that, you'd be misinformed.

True to Republican form. it didn't take her very long to start blaming the liberal media for a vast left wing conspiracy of obsfucation and division...


Riiight. Because we know the shy, humble and retiring Sarah Palin would never upstage a fellow Republican and make unreasonable demands despite the fact that the Tea Party confirmed they'd heard several times from the Palin camp that'd refused to confirm their place until it was announced that O'Donnell, now the Typhoid Mary of politics, was out for good.

And then...

Obviously, she's completely forgotten about her Facebook account by now and insists on getting out ASAP the word about this vast left wing conspiracy and so-called Tea Bagger unity.

Then, seconds later...

Then, this...

...followed by...

...then finally, to the brilliant peroration...

Lord only knows how she got "oxen" by default considering what she eventually went with. But it's pretty typical for O'Donnell to blame her cell phone and not the idiot holding it.

Why am I getting the suspicion that she'd written her book entirely on her cell phone?


At September 2, 2011 at 9:43 AM, Anonymous Dee in NJ said...

The woman is a genius. I am stunned. I am speechless.
I'm not sure, but I may be brain dead and just wet my pants. I have to go check.

At September 2, 2011 at 11:24 AM, Anonymous I just wasted 5 minutes of life said...

I still say the REAL question here is why the corporate meeja gives any exposure to a never-was (which is worse than being a has-been) loser like Miss Witchy. There exists a subculture on the Internet that gets its jollies from making fun of freaks. It's a way of making people feel superior. "At least I'm not as fucked-up as THAT person!" There might be a bit of that at work with O'Diddle.

But JP, why are YOU giving her more attention? And why am IIIIII writing comments about her? Holy Mother of Zog, I have to stop now!

At September 2, 2011 at 12:12 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Look, I don't like giving any more thought to this tweeting twit than I usually do my earwax but obviously some people in positions of power insist on elevating her to a national level, starting with her scumbag cocksucker literary agent Daniel Strone and some obviously brain-dead acquisitions editor at St. Martin's Press who thought nothing about investing millions on a book sight unseen at auction w/o even a proposal. That didn't even give St. Martin's time to do a P&L (Profit/Loss analysis).

Plus I have always felt it was the moral imperative of every person of high intelligence to lampoon the willfully stupid and ignorant at every available opportunity. Some, like you, think I'm wasting time by giving her attention. I think I'm performing a public service. Since they insist on keeping her in the national spotlight and allowing her to frame the debate in some small way, I say we should turn that fame and notoriety against her and all those pricks who insist on empowering her.

Otherwise, I'm sorry that you think I've wasted five minutes of your life.

At September 2, 2011 at 1:10 PM, Anonymous Dee in NJ said...

Hey! Us witches object to you folk referring to her as Miss Witchy. She wouldn't know a real witch if one bit her on the ass, which none of us would do, because we have more taste and class than that. We save ass biting for more worthy subjects.

At September 2, 2011 at 1:13 PM, Anonymous Dee in NJ said...

Not a waste of time at all, JP. After all, Jon Stewart makes an excellent living mocking on people like Christine O'Diddle, so why shouldn't you go for a slice of the pie? Works for me!

At September 2, 2011 at 6:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Plus I have always felt it was the moral imperative of every person of high intelligence to lampoon the willfully stupid and ignorant at every available opportunity

I love it and so true, thanks

At September 5, 2011 at 6:36 AM, Anonymous I just wasted even more said...

JP, I'm not saying YOU wasted 5 minutes of my life. You didn't force me to write some silly comment. I'm blaming myself for it. And here I am doing it to myself again. I can't stop! Maybe I should take up smoking to kill the time and my body.

In other snark, look what other mook has a book out!" My only hope is that the hag had to pay to publish it herself, although probably not. She probably had some scam like using campaign funds to do it, with a kickback from the publishing house that killed innocent trees so Angle could wipe her figurative ass on those pages.

At September 5, 2011 at 9:46 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Thanks. Knowing that Sharron Angle also has a book deal makes me feel a whole lot better.

At September 5, 2011 at 11:35 AM, Anonymous Same guy as above said...

C'mon, you know there's no justice in this world, especially when it comes to who gets to put their name on a bunch of wasted paper called a "book." Learn to sneer the injustice, laugh at the folly of it, the absurd fucking cosmic joke of cretins getting to "write" a "book" on which "money" made up out of thin air is spurted around in a pointless exercise. It's ultimately meaningless, the publishing equivalent of tires spinning in the snow.

You know what's good about this crap? Some average working schmoes get paid whatever fractional part of their wages it took to make the paper and ink for whatever wretched words Angle's ghost-writer put on those pages. Deliverymen got fees for loading and unloading the cartons of them. (But how many cartons for a press run that might have been, what -- 1,000? 2,000? Surely not more than 5K copies of something that's guaranteed not to sell for shit.) And finally, someone will get a few hours' pay for hauling the remainder to a shredder, where hopefully it can be recycled into cardboard boxes. (It would be too much to hope that Angle's book is ultimately turned into toilet paper.)

Sad thing is, a lot of the wages paid are probably going to Chinese workers instead of Americans...

At September 5, 2011 at 11:56 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

You got a point, Guy, but then again I can't afford to merely laugh it off and pretend this Republican favoritism doesn't directly affect me. As a writer, it very much affects me, especially with Borders closing down all 2200 of their stores and taking down about a third of the market with it.

As a serious writer of some talent, it infuriates me that I get disrespected so invariably through form rejection letters or rude silence by both literary agencies and publishers whom I've directly approached. The pool is shrinking for first time authors especially and when I see idiots like O'Donnell and Palin getting book contracts, often not with right wing presses but major publishers like St. Martin's, it enrages me. Nonexistent books are getting sold for huge sums sight unseen for people who scribble on their hands. meanwhile, for the rest of us, our manuscripts have to "camera-ready" and perfect. otherwise, the resub rate is next to zero.

What further enrages me is when they throw millions of dollars at the feet of these agents and their idiot clients when it's screamingly obvious their fast-tracked books won't even come close to earning out their advance. What exacerbates this trend is unconscionable, greedy cocksuckers like Dan Strone selling a nonexistent book at auction, which precludes any possibility of a P&L.

But my gut instinct told me this book wouldn't sell no matter how ruthlessly they fast-tracked it because it was obvious way back when she signed that travesty of a contract with St. Martin's that O'Donnell was yesterday's fish wrapping.

Meanwhile, I'm still getting "No thanks, not for me" letters from brain dead literary agents that I'd solicited up to six months ago.

So, no, laughter only gets me so far. At the bottom of this sneering at O'Donnell and her agents is an inextinguishable rage at how stupid and short-sighted the publishing business is.

At September 6, 2011 at 2:57 AM, Anonymous Continuing the conversation said...

The mistake you make is looking at these deals with Angle, O'Diddle, Palin, even not-Joe the Fake Plumber, as part of the book-publishing business. What they really are is political payoffs, disguised as book deals. There's a long history of that, and it applies to both sides of the aisle. You have said your political awakening didn't start until after 9/11/2001, so maybe you weren't paying close attention when Democratic House Speaker Jim Wright was brought down by a bribery scandal masquerading as a book deal. (Sadly, that episode is what catapaulted walking scumbag Newt Gingrich into prominence. Speaking of authors who should never have been published...)

I don't think the palm-greasing for these non-entity "authors" hurts your chances of getting published. You're a victim of the dying U.S. economy there just as you are with your day job. It's not like Angle et. al. are getting a slice of the pie you should have had. They're being fed from a completely different pork pie.

If you need to contemplate something with these "book deals," riddle me this: why do the rich bastards who put up the money for this give it to has-beens and never-wases like the lasses mentioned here? None of them has a future in politics, except as freak-shows to rile up the resentful losers who watch Fux. So why reward them when they are past tense? Doesn't that go against the very notion of the "capitalism" the rich mofos are supposed to stand for, that you pay people for what they produce?

My take is that this wingnut welfare to dead-ends is a form of paying it forward to encourage future wingnuts. How many state legislators, how many people with misspelled signs at Pea Tardy rallies, will be willing to act jack-assy in the hopes that lightning will strike and they'll be the next Sharon or Joe? It's like a behavioral experiment with monkeys, where lots of apes in cages can see one or two of their fellow simians getting peanuts for doing stupid shit. It encourages the other monkeys to ape that shit.

That's what it's all about, IMO. Behavior mod for future acts of political inanity (sic), not book-writing. So don't feel so bad. Except for all the other reasons you have to feel bad, that is.


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