Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Hey, Kids, it's Poochie the Republican Insult Dog!

(By American Zen's Mike Flannigan, on loan from Ari.)

     Lord only knows what makes the nation's Alex Keatons the way they are. Is it nature or nurture or some tragically unbalanced admixture of both? Were they, as Rodney Dangerfield averred, made to breast feed through a straw? Were their mothers scared while pregnant and watching Rush Limbaugh on television? We may never know the answer but there is something deeply disturbing about people so young yet so cynical as to proudly and publicly become Young Republicans. Frankly, it makes me laugh as much as the phrase "Black Republicans."
     Fans of the Simpsons may remember Poochie, the dog created by the creators of the "Itchy and Scratchy" cartoons as a way of better connecting with their youthful core audience when they feared they were losing touch with that demographic. The rebranding was a disaster after just one episode when it was discovered that the skateboarding Poochie was actually killing the concept that made Itchy and Scratchy a success in the first place. Despite viewer outrage and calls for his immediate removal, Homer (who was hired by the studio to do Poochie's voice) and the actress who did Itchy and Scratchy's voices eventually grew to like the cartoon dog with the attitude.
     Undeterred, the studio executives got rid of Poochie the very next episode with a slapdash episode that said in bloody, red letters that Poochie went back to his home planet and was killed on the journey back.
     So why am I writing about a cartoon dog that barely occupied a cartoon universe on the Fox network?
     Because (while I'll try to avoid making an underdog pun that's guaranteed to send me straight to Hell on an express elevator) what the College Republicans and the GOP establishment is doing runs along similar lines, as evidenced by this document that was released this week by the College Republican National Committee. It features, in a risible attempt to convey some hipness, a cover of an iPhone with earbuds attached to it and on the screen, natch, is a diminished red, white and blue elephant.
     In forming this 95 page report, the College Republicans asked moderates and grown-up Republicans (Yes, there are some adult Republicans, believe it or not) for their input and the amount of moderate input must have set them all on their pointy little heads. Among the recommendations:

  • That gays ought to be able to marry within their own gender.
  • That everyone has the right to quality, affordable health care.
  • That we should stop wasting so much time, lives and treasure fighting the wars of other countries (while stopping short of outright mentioning Israel, as they should've) and
  • 54% of the respondents said the rich ought to be taxed more heavily.
         Rather than seeing this handwriting on the wall for what it is, the College Republicans ignored this substantial deviation from current Republican policy that's solely predicated on denying the nigger in the Oval Office whatever he wants even if it was their idea to begin with and trying to spin the Republican Party's massive unpopularity especially among the young as a mere rebranding issue.
         As if a shit sandwich will taste better on expensive Artesian bread instead of plain old white or rye.
         As if little kids will come running to the ice cream truck driven by the Stephen King clown It if it plays Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer."
         As if switching brands of anal lube will relieve one of that dull, burning sensation one feels whenever Obama lets the Republicans have whatever they want by first compromising with himself.
         You get the idea. The College Republicans, as usual, these fine, young Alex Keatons of the nation are stupid and naive enough to think that the GOP's unpopularity among young voters is simply a perception problem, a rebranding issue, not that the GOP's policies that are popular only among pasty, bloated, old white men are at fault.
         It's our fault that we're just perceiving these heroic statesmen the wrong way and that we'll gladly eat the same shit sandwich as long as it has a little cheese and bits of fiber baked into it.

    Meet the New Party Boss, Same as the Old Party Boss
          This is highly insulting to young voters, obviously, as well as to anyone of intelligence. What the College Republicans are essentially saying in their misguided report, that seems to blow off the recommendations given to them by their experts (ones that would be misconstrued as archly liberal in Beltway circles that may still look to "The Note" for their legislative cues) is it’s really about the presentation, not the content.
    And their stubborn emphasis on rebranding instead of paradigm shifts in their policy views shows how bottomlessly superficial the younger acolytes of the conservative movement remain.
         In effect, the College Republicans seem to have swallowed hook, line and sinker the establishment GOP's insistence on and plans for rebranding in time for the 2016 election. Seeing that Obama got re-elected by a majority (albeit a vastly diminished majority) of voters 18-30, the Republicans realized that aiming for the white, middle-aged to elderly vote (essentially, Rush's and Fox "News'" withering demographic) isn't going to cut it, anymore. And, despite being hamstrung by the occasional Republican who still makes an anti-Hispanic or homophobic or misogynistic remark, this is an entrenched strategy that, while as obviously doomed as a launching Hindenburg already in flames, will go on.
         The results, rest assured, will be as pathetic as Michael Steele's laughable attempts three and a half years ago to make the Republican Party hip to younger voters when he was still the RNC Chairman.
         Remember, kiddies, it wasn't George Allen's policies that got him voted out (although I'm sure they didn't help): It was his "Macaca" comments at a rally made to an Indian American in attendance. It wasn't Allen West's or Joe Walsh's branding that got their asses booted out of Congress last November: It was the fact that they were both spittle-flecked, boorish morons who were too consumed with hatred of the President and not enough with supplanting Mr. Obama's policies and objectives with substantial ones of their own. And it's not Michele Bachmann's misperception on the part of Minnesota's 6th District that will chase her out of Congress, it was the ongoing investigations into misconduct during her so-called presidential campaign.
         Instead of passing the buck onto their peers, they should have pushed back in this report against entrenched Republican policies that plainly are no longer relevant (as if they ever were) in a modern, even evolving world. In fact, evolution is the top enemy of basic conservative thought, especially in its infinitely noxious reactionary latter-day incarnation.
         And writing a passing-the-buck report while using on its cover little pictures of smartphones (which aren't iconic of youth as much as they are of everyday technology accessible to and used by virtually everyone of all age groups) is not going to bring the Republican Party back to its apex during the Eisenhower years (vast improvements and expansion of the infrastructure, a 91% tax rate, a strong national defense without reckless and expensive military adventurism).
         It's not branding that's sinking the GOP's chances in 2016 over three years in advance of the next general elections. It's their selfish policies that's hostile to women, immigrants, gays and, yes, even the young. The perception problem isn't owned by young voters of conscience who see the Republican Party with bright, clear eyes. That perception problem's on the young Republicans of this country who cannot come to grips with the fact that the GOP is completely out of touch with the needs of a 21st century America demanding justice, compassion and respect among all its factions.
         And to prove it, they're even ignoring the advice of their elders who are suggesting hardly radical but commonsensical solutions out of the ditch into which the GOP had driven them.


    At June 7, 2013 at 7:31 PM, Blogger Stan B. said...

    These yung-uns have 2 choices: become Democrats (not that far a leap), easier yet- just let age take its course...


    Post a Comment

    Links to this post:

    Create a Link

    << Home

    KindleindaWind, my writing blog.

    All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #106: The Turkey Has Landed edition
  • #105: Blame it on Paris or Putin edition
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Top 10 Things Donald Trump Said to President Obama
  • Paul Ryan's Top Ten Conditions on Running for the Speakership
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Won't Run for President in 2016
  • Top 10 Results of the NYPD's Work Slowdown
  • Top 10 Secret Service Security Breaches
  • Top 10 LA Radio Shows That Are Rated Higher Than Rush Limbaugh's
  • Top 10 Reasons Operation American Spring Went Flat
  • Top Ten Facts of the MH370 Air Disaster
  • Top 10 Tips for GOP Congressmen Running Against Women
  • Top 10 Signs Walmart's Mistreating its Workers
  • Top 10 Diversions John McCain Found During Syria Hearing
  • Top 10 George Zimmerman Excuses for Speeding.
  • Top 10 Reasons Paula Deen Got Fired by the Food Network
  • Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention
  • Top 10 Reasons For the Pope's Resignation
  • Top 10 Emails Hacked From the Bush Family's Email Accounts
  • Top 10 Lies Told by Mitt Romney at the 2nd Debate.
  • Top 10 Examples of How Hard the Campaign Trail is on Ann D. Romney.
  • Top 10 Ways to Tell The Boston Red Sox Are Finished.
  • Top 10 Things Mitt May be Hiding in His Tax Returns.
  • Top 10 Events at the Romney Olympics.
  • Mitt Romney's Top 10 Wild & Crazy Moments.
  • Top Ten Reasons Why Dick Cheney Got a Heart Transplant.
  • Top 10 Facts About Tonight's New England/Denver Game.
  • My Top 10 Resolutions.
  • Top 10 Rejected Slogans of the Romney Campaign.
  • Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign.
  • Top 10 Trending Topics on Twitter During #OWS Eviction.
  • Top 10 Herman Cain Pickup Lines.
  • Top 10 Changes Since Anthony Weiner Decided to Resign.
  • Top 10 Inaccuracies re bin Laden's Death.
  • Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown.
  • Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Bowed Out of the Presidential Race.
  • Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Today's Parliament Inquiry into News Corp.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir.
  • Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11.
  • Top Ten Advances in Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia.
  • Top Ten Inaccuracies in Bill O'Reilly's Book About Lincoln.
  • Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission.
  • Top Ten Worst Moments in George W. Bush's Presidency.
  • Top Ten Facts in George W. Bush's Memoir.
  • Top Ten Reasons Terry Jones Postponed His Koran Burning
  • Top 10 Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure
  • Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo
  • Top Ten Demands in Sarah Palin's Contract
  • Top Ten Whoppers in Karl Rove's New Book
  • Top 10 Items Left Behind in Rush Limbaugh's Apartment
  • Top Ten Things Barack Obama said to Rush Limbaugh in the Hospital
  • Top Ten Bizarre Promos Offered by the New Jersey Nets
  • Top 10 Bush Executive Orders Labor Wants President Obama to Repeal
  • George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger