Thursday, October 15, 2015

If the Latter Day Republican Party Wrote to Mrs. Bixby

     If you know anything about your American history, you should have at least a dim recollection of President Lincoln's wonderfully compassionate and eloquent letter to Mrs. Bixby of Boston, MA who'd lost two sons in the Civil War. Despite Lincoln erroneously informing (and alarming) her that she'd lost three more sons than previously believed, it still remains one of the greatest letters in American history.
     So I got to wondering how this letter would've read if it was penned by today's Republicans...

Donald Trump
Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     Sucks to hear about your sons but what're ya gonna do? War's inevitable. Very sad, very sad. I should know. I was sorta in the military.
     They got any grieving sisters I can, ya know, console?

Ben Carson
Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     I'm sorry to hear about your sons getting shot but maybe, just maybe, if they'd had guns and stood up to their attackers as I would have, they wouldn't be pushing up daisies right now. That said, I wouldn't be so hasty as to begrudge the confederacy the right to bear arms...

Louis Gohmert:
Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     I know this is supposed to be a letter of condolence but you only lost two sons. We lost four brave souls in Benghazi because of them there damn libr'al Democrats like Hillary Clinton. Benghazi forever!

Rick Perry
Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     I have heard that you have lost right around three sons in the field of battle but I'll damned if I can recall the name of the third one...

Dick Cheney
Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     Go fuck yourself and get over it. You lost five sons. Well, I lost all five of my deferments.

George W. Bush
Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     I done heard two of your kids deserted the Army and another didn't have the guts to stick it out through the end. You should be ashamed of yourself for having raised three boys of such low character. I myself served in a champagne flight until very nearly the end of my term of enlistment before getting into politics. I also understand you lost two other sons. You'll understand why I can't go to their funerals.

Donald Rumsfeld
Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     The Pentagon's told me you've lost some sons in Gettysburg or east, west, north, south, thereabouts. This is what happens when you're given the Army you have and not the Army you want...

Mike Huckabee
Dear Mrs. Bixby:
      I am sorry to hear about the loss of your sons. Maybe they should've chosen more wisely and fought on the side of the Confederacy. Slavery's not such a bad thing, you know...

Scott Walker
Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     I understand you lost some sons in the Civil War. Look at it this way, Mrs. Bixby: If they belonged to a union, they'd still be dead...

7 Comments:

At October 17, 2015 at 3:43 AM, Anonymous CC said...

Dear Mrs. Bixby,

Your sons went, they saw, and they died. (He-he.)

Best,

Hillary Clinton (DINO)

 
At October 17, 2015 at 5:11 PM, Anonymous CC said...

Dear Mrs. Bixby,

Well, at least they can see Russia from Heaven.

Signed,

Sarah Palin

 
At October 17, 2015 at 5:22 PM, Anonymous CC said...

Mrs. Bixby,

Your sons obviously never heard of the Second Amendment. What else did they expect when they joined their big government on an invasion of the part of the country where every household is armed and try to take away their guns?

As Moses would say: "From our cold, dead hands!"

Sincerely not yours,

Wayne LaPierre

 
At October 18, 2015 at 1:52 PM, Anonymous CC said...

Mrs. Bixby,

I'm glad your sons served while I didn't have to.

Next time make sure they're suffering from anal cysts when they're called up.

Yours truly,

Rush Limbaugh

 
At October 18, 2015 at 2:28 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Oh, dude, you're going on an express elevator straight to Hell for that last one.

 
At October 19, 2015 at 6:54 PM, Anonymous CC said...

Then make it a highway, as AC/DC would say.

 
At October 20, 2015 at 7:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mrs. Bixby,

Please understand that yours will not be the only American boys to die in someone else's war.

Defiantly,

Bibi Nutty Yahoo

 

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