If the Latter Day Republican Party Wrote to Mrs. Bixby

     If you know anything about your American history, you should have at least a dim recollection of President Lincoln's wonderfully compassionate and eloquent letter to Mrs. Bixby of Boston, MA who'd lost two sons in the Civil War. Despite Lincoln erroneously informing (and alarming) her that she'd lost three more sons than previously believed, it still remains one of the greatest letters in American history.
     So I got to wondering how this letter would've read if it was penned by today's Republicans...

---

Donald Trump Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     Sucks to hear about your sons but what're ya gonna do? War's inevitable. Very sad, very sad. I should know. I was sorta in the military.
     They got any grieving sisters I can, ya know, console?

---

Ben Carson Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     I'm sorry to hear about your sons getting shot but maybe, just maybe, if they'd had guns and stood up to their attackers as I would have, they wouldn't be pushing up daisies right now. That said, I wouldn't be so hasty as to begrudge the confederacy the right to bear arms...

---

Louis Gohmert: Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     I know this is supposed to be a letter of condolence but you only lost two sons. We lost four brave souls in Benghazi because of them there damn libr'al Democrats like Hillary Clinton. Benghazi forever!

---

Rick Perry Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     I have heard that you have lost right around three sons in the field of battle but I'll damned if I can recall the name of the third one...

---

Dick Cheney Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     Go fuck yourself and get over it. You lost five sons. Well, I lost all five of my deferments.

---

George W. Bush Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     I done heard two of your kids deserted the Army and another didn't have the guts to stick it out through the end. You should be ashamed of yourself for having raised three boys of such low character. I myself served in a champagne flight until very nearly the end of my term of enlistment before getting into politics. I also understand you lost two other sons. You'll understand why I can't go to their funerals.

---

Donald Rumsfeld

Dear Mrs. Bixby:

     The Pentagon's told me you've lost some sons in Gettysburg or east, west, north, south, thereabouts. This is what happens when you're given the Army you have and not the Army you want...

---

Mike Huckabee Dear Mrs. Bixby:
      I am sorry to hear about the loss of your sons. Maybe they should've chosen more wisely and fought on the side of the Confederacy. Slavery's not such a bad thing, you know...

---

Scott Walker Dear Mrs. Bixby:
     I understand you lost some sons in the Civil War. Look at it this way, Mrs. Bixby: If they belonged to a union, they'd still be dead...