Sunday, January 10, 2016

"We will kill or be killed... as soon as we get our tampons, slippers and French vanilla creamer."

     Somehow, I doubt when John Brown took Harper's Ferry in 1859, he ever asked for any of this shit.
     To show us all what deadly, masculine, manly men are the Oregon occupiers of that federal wildlife refuge in Oregon, they've used social media to tell their supporters what exactly they need. And, no, it doesn't just stop at "snackies."
     Courtesy of the Twitter feed of JJ MacNab, the antigovernment terrorism expert at Forbes, we now know what living rough, Ammon Bundy-style, really means.
     Boxer briefs (No word, yet, on whether there's a need for Magic Bundy Fundie Undies, since he's Mormon.)
     Throw rugs, any and all sizes (Any Muslims reading this who want to get rid of a frayed prayer rug, now's your chance.)
     French vanilla coffee creamer (An indispensable staple of the rough frontier life when Bundy's forebears camped on the plains surrounded by hostile Native Americans.)
     Slippers. Yes, slippers. Apparently, their tootsies are cold as they're slopping around in the cubicles on a Sunday morning harvesting names and Social Security numbers off the federal building's database.
     Medicine (Yes, there's a generic panacea for all ills courtesy of medical science and it's eponymously called "medicine".)
     And, lest we forget this public begging of modern conveniences in no way should impugn the masculinity of these brave, stalwart patriots, they want Marlboros, the most manly cigarettes out there (although they were originally marketed as a woman's cigarette).
     And, no, you silly, weak-kneed liberals, do not think this in any, way, shape or form is reminiscent of Socialism let alone that of white privilege. It's not their fault these sovereign citizens left their shacks, hovels and trailers with no pork rinds, water, clean change of clothes, Copenhagen dip or any of the essentials of redneck life to join Ammon Bundy in his Quixotic quest to... well, I don't know. Occupy a federal building and piss off birders.
     They legitimately thought this would be a PR stunt that would last a day or two, tops and never thought for a minute in their addled brains that Bundy would make this last for weeks, thanks in large part to a federal law enforcement apparatus that gets the dry heaves of taking a shot at white men even when they're sighting down on them with .50 caliber rifles. After all, the very last thing we need is another Waco or Ruby Ridge.
     So if y'all have any ideas of what I should send to the Oregon branch of the Bundy ranch in the way of a CARE package, this is the place to make your suggestions.


At January 10, 2016 at 2:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At January 10, 2016 at 2:23 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Really? Do white right wing terrorists have a Bring Your Daughter to Work Day?

At January 11, 2016 at 4:03 PM, Anonymous CC said...

How about a copy of your latest novel?

I'm no fan of the Bundys, but I wonder how many of their fellow occupiers used to be blue collar workers with steady jobs that paid a middle class wage, but were downsized over the last 35 years and then developed extremist views as a result. The emergence of extremism in the U.S. during this period has gone hand-in-hand with the disappearance of good-paying factory jobs.

Or are all of them ranchers and sagebrush rebels?

At January 11, 2016 at 4:07 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

A lot of them, I hear, are welfare queens on disability. Some of them have been caught drinking away in cheap motels crowdfunded money that was donated to this dubious cause.

Of course, you're assuming some of these goobers know how to read. Look at all the misspelled words in that list. Why would I want to cast pearls before swine?

Of course, if I really wanted to be a total asshole, I'd inflict "Dave" Chadwick's books on them. Although being in the same building with them might actually bring a speedy end to the standoff.

At January 12, 2016 at 2:28 PM, Blogger MJ said...

If you're sending books, send them some Brunner. That man was so pessimistic, you could sum up most of his plots with "stuff happens, our hero deals with it but badly, so everyone dies."

At January 12, 2016 at 5:46 PM, Anonymous CC said...

Maybe send Chadwick's books and say they're toilet paper?


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