Friday, July 28, 2017

Assclowns of the Week #106: But Think of the Billionaires! edition

(With a huge tip o' the tinfoil hat to Mrs. JP and her news wrangling)
      Well, it has been an eventful week, hasn't it, Gothamites? This administration and Congress is looking more and more like the result of a James Bond novel where 007 actually failed. Trump (1, 5, 7, 8 & 9) is reshuffling the sinking ship's deck chairs and creating vacancies at the same time he's filling them. Then there's the Senate GOP (2) getting a case of the sads because they couldn't deny millions of Americans the health care that they enjoy on our dime; New Comm Director Anthony Scaramucci (6) for inspiring millions of movie and music lovers to buy and download copies of Goodfellas and "Bohemian Rhapsody" and human furball Blake Farenthold (10) for channeling Andrew Jackson and threatening some rebel female Senators.
     So hop aboard the HMS Titanic before it sinks for good as we sail past this week's assclowns and much, much more!

10) Rep. Blake Farenthold
      When psychopaths such as Blake Farenthold of the 27th district of Texas sleaze into Congress, it ought to be an object lesson as well as a clarion call for Democrats to start fielding more appealing and credible candidates. When they don't, we get gap-toothed, pajama-clad homunculi like Blow-me Boy. Well, on the 21st, Farenthold took to Corpus Christi radio and essentially challenged female Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski, two notable holdouts regarding the health care procedural vote (and, later, the "skinny repeal" bill), to a duel. In fact, this is exactly what pajama boy said:
     "Some of the people that are opposed to this, there are female senators from the Northeast ... If it was a guy from South Texas, I might ask him to step outside and settle this Aaron Burr-style."
     It ought to be noted that two and a half years ago, Farenthold's former aide had sued him for sexual harassment and providing an uncomfortable workplace (his congressional office). The married father of two settled out of court without, like a typical Republican, admitting guilt. Since then, Farenthold had been re-elected not once but twice, meaning South Texas not only lowered the bar, they done buried it six feet under.
 

9) Donald Trump
     I hope the Capitol Police remember these words when they come for him and his family.
     In between firing Rinsed Penis and screaming about Republican health care renegades, Trump kicked his weekend off by talking to law enforcement in Brentwood, NY and telling therm basically, Fuck civil liberties (as if they need more encouragement to ignore them). Because he said,
     "When you see these towns and when you see these thugs being thrown into the back of a paddy wagon, you just see them thrown in, rough, I said, 'please don't be too nice.' Like when you guys put somebody in the car and you're protecting their head, you know, the way you put their hand over. Like, 'don't hit their head' and they've just killed somebody, 'Don't hit their head.' I said, 'you can take the hand away.' OK?"
     And the fascists behind him rejoiced.
     "Thugs"? "Paddy wagon"? Is this assclown the President or a character out of a Mickey fucking Spillane potboiler?

8) Donald Trump
     When I heard that Donald Trump was sending his "beleaguered" Attorney General Jeff Sessions to El Salvador to combat MS-13, Leo Ryan and Jonestown was the first thing I thought of. Seriously, the evil and menace radiated by Trump, Scaramucci and Steve Bannon is such that assholes like Sean Spicer and Jeff "Hey, Boy, Get Me a Mint Julep!" Sessions are almost worthy of sympathy. Seriously, why is he sending our Attorney General down to South America to fight a street gang created by the Reagan administration when the immediate threat (so he told us on the campaign trail) is ISIS?
     Maybe they were the ones who pulled off the infamous Bowling Green and Swedish massacres.

7)  Donald Trump
     Poor Rinsed Penis. Poor John Kelly.
     Donald Trump apparently believed Don Tony "the Mooch" Scaramucci's conspiracy theories about Reince Priebus leaking his perfectly open and accessible financial disclosure form. Because at the same exact moment news of Scaramucci's impending divorce broke, news also broke of Donald Trump shitcanning (on Twitter, no less) his Chief of Staff Reince Priebus and switching him out for Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly in an effort to reshuffle the Titanic's deck chairs (a few hours before this, it broke that McMaster had fired Michael Flynn pick and Bannon ally Derek Harvey from the National Security Council.).
     It ought to be pointed out that while I've taken some famous jabs at Rinsed Penis over the years since he was RNC Chairman, it takes a James Bond-class of villain like Trump or Scaramucci to engender any pity for the former Chief of Staff. While he was a national joke because of it, it must be said his support for Trump hardly ever wavered. Yet Trump, in his infamous one-way loyalty, fired him on the recommendations of a fellow billionaire scumbag who was one of his most vocal critics just two years ago. All I can say is, if Reince and Spicey go halvsies on a tell-all memoir, I'll shell out $100 for it.

6) Anthony Scaramucci
      After all the shit that poor Sean Spicer went through in his six months as Press Secretary, something truly wicked that way must've come to make him leave so abruptly on July 21st. In no time flat, we learned it was Trump making Goldman Sachs alum and the Beltway's newest eligible bachelor Anthony Scaramucci as Communications Director. Mooch, who's a coke-addicted 80's-era TV executive's idea of what a mob lawyer should look like, immediately made his presence felt in his first presser by blowing a kiss to the press pool (like a Mafia don just sprung on a technicality from multiple murder charges).

     Mooch, you may remember, was a vocal critic of Donald Trump on Twitter and elsewhere just two years ago. When he was appointed to the post, he immediately scrubbed his Twitter account, calling it an act of "transparency." But fear not because the Man With the Patent Leather Pompadour has plenty of fresh assclownery on tap as just recently he blamed recently-fired Chief of Staff Reince Priebus for leaking his financial disclosure form (which is perfectly permissible. You'd think a Harvard-educated lawyer would know that) before sorta walking back the accusation in an epically bizarre interview with Chris Lizza. Which is nothing compared to an earlier phone call Lizza got from Scaramucci that reads like an X-rated version of The Onion. Or a rampaging mob boss who just found out omerta had been broken. Gee, I can't imagine why his wife Deidre would file for divorce the same day Rinsed Penis was fired. Who wouldn't want to be married to a guy who would look perfectly natural digging a shallow grave in the Jersey pine barrens?
     If this ultimate lickspittle has a moral compass, it's pointing straight down to Hell and up Satan's asshole.
 

 5) Donald Trump

     One fine morning, Donald Trump arose from his bed (or maybe didn't, considering his work habits), logged onto Twitter and decided to ban transgender people from serving in the military. As if his Twitter feed carries as much legal weight as an executive order, Act of Congress or new set of guidelines formally submitted to the Pentagon. Naturally, this strange faux ban on transgendered service members confused LGBT Trumpers who thought, "But, but... he once held our flag upside down with the tips of his fingers!"
     It also took the Joint Chiefs (whom Trump said he'd consulted) by surprise. Once they got wind of this, they had to send out a communique that read:

     Looks like Caitlyn Jenner doesn't have as much pull in the Trump White House as she thought she did. Although why she was so surprised by Trumps's unofficial transgender policy this past week is a mystery.

4) Jared Kushner
      I've been saying this for years now and it's even more true now than when I began saying it- The key to plausible deniability is that it has to be plausible. And it doesn't help in the interests of plausibility if one camp says something and another says the exact opposite, especially during a very serious federal investigation regarding the matter. Jared Kushner came wading into the swamp we're still waiting for Daddy Warbucks to drain to say that he had meetings with the Russians but that no collusion took place. What else could he say? His brother in law Fredo essentially ratted him out by releasing his own emails just before the New York Times was going to.
     This would be one of the several meetings that just slipped Jared's mind while filling out his SF86 form. Instead of being thrown in prison for omitting important meetings with the Russians well within the last seven years, he was allowed to resubmit the form not once not twice but three times. If the federal government ever recaptures its interest in doing its job, the slender young man with the handsome baby face and high feminine voice will be quite a hit in the prison showers.


 3) House Republican Leadership
     "What would you say, Mr. Speaker, if I told you we know the Ukrainian Prime Minister warned you June 15th last year about the Russians hacking the DNC and stealing their opposition research on Donald Trump and then House Republican Leadership laughed about it before pledging to keep in the family?"
     "It's pure fiction."
     "We have the transcripts."
     "They're fake."
     "We have the audio recordings."
     "Uh, let me 'adjust' my statement... it wasn't me talking."
     That's essentially the conversation between the WaPo and Paul Ryan recently.
     Well, that's not exactly true. They didn't deny the meeting took place. But on his own website, this is all Paul Ryan had to say about this bombshell of a meeting. Paul just left out the part about the Russian hacking and laughing about Rohrabacher and Trump being on "Putin's payroll."
     Oh, and his request for a cover-up. There's that, too.
     Like Jared Kushner and his own dealings with the Russians on his SF86 form, must've just slipped his mind. Who can keep track of all those meetings detailing the subversion of our very democratic electoral process?

 

2) John McCain and the Senate GOP
     For decades, John McCain has been less of a maverick and more of a Jekyll and Hyde type of legislator. He showed it this past week by dragging himself off a sick bed just days after being diagnosed with brain cancer and voted for the ACA Repeal in a procedural vote. Then two days later on Thursday night, McCain surprised everyone by withholding his vote until the last minute and, like a Roman emperor, lowered his thumb and voted against the "skinny repeal" bill that would've kicked at least 15,000,000 people off their health care plans. He did it in Mitch McConnell's face. He might as well have used his middle finger.


     Later, McConnell was blubbering on national TV and other GOP senators who were too disconsolate to talk over their failure in taking health care away from enough people to fill New York City twice over. Yes, the Republican Party hates the idea of quality, affordable health care that saves lives so much they're emotionally invested in your death. I really hope Indie and right wing voters remember this level of sadism in next year's mid terms and that they vote these genocidal cunts out of office once and for all.
 

1) "President" Donald Trump

     Trump's speech to the Boy Scouts of America in WV was eerily reminiscent of Hitler in April 1945 pressing into service the Nazi Youth League who would be the last line of defense from the encroaching Russians. The metaphor is especially tempting as Trump himself is psychologically bunkered because of the investigation into,,, the Russians. And, like the guy who also made a secret deal with the Russians regarding the Balkans, with the kind of vigor one only sees in the extremely paranoid, Trump used the Jamboree as a way of beating up the media, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Senator Capito, HHS Secretary Tom Price (whose job he threatened) and a secret jab at Jeff Sessions ("(W)e could use some more loyalty, I will tell you that..").
     In fact, Trump's speech was so horrible and provoked such a backlash that the head of the Boy Scouts of America publicly apologized in a letter.
     So if the walking brain dead who voted for Trump don't want him compared to Hitler, then maybe they can slip him a message to stop acting like him.  Because, the guy who sleeps with Hitler's speeches beside his bed already shares enough similarities with Der Fuhrer from his stance on alcohol, tobacco and even chocolate cake, to say nothing of his ultra right wing policies.

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