Friday, March 16, 2018

Gotham City News Digest

     We digest the news. The rest is up to you.

     From the "Duh, Thank You, Congressman Obvious!" files...
     House Republicans are now beginning to suspect that maybe, perhaps they acted a bit too hastily in ending their so-called Russia probe a teensy bit too early, and in the process, so says Alternet, with tongue fully in cheek, "undermined their credibility."
     Credibility. This is the same intelligence committee that saw fit to make Devin Nunes their chairman. You remember Devin, don't you? He was the guy who was caught sneaking in and out of the White House in the dead of night like a back door lover with classified intel to give to the Trump junta.

     Well, this is certainly interesting. By now you must know that Donnie Dumbo Junior's wife filed a divorce suit. Bet you didn't know that she hired not a divorce attorney well-versed in family law but a criminal defense attorney at the same time that Mueller's probe is closing in.

     And this is the woman who's been vilified by the right wing for decades for being a liberal icon? Folks, this isn't your parents' Democratic Party. This is your grandparents' Republican Party. One guy told me on Twitter after Jesus' General (11 on a manly scale of 10) retweeted this, "If given the choice between a Republican and a Democrat that votes like a Republican, I'll vote for the latter." So, in other words, my esteemed colleague, if given the choice between a shit sandwich with the crust and a shit sandwich without the crust, will choose the latter without looking for something better on the menu. Smart. Good luck with that.

     Because Mike Pence is just too damned unutterably masculine to be seen with a homosexual. Maybe he was embarrassed because of that tightness in the crotch of his pants when Trump put his hand on his knee at Billy Graham's service. Perhaps someone's due for an intervention. But poor Pence couldn't bear to be seen or photographed with a gay man, even if he was the Irish Prime Minister. But this is why they pay you the big bucks, to hobnob with homos so Donald Trump doesn't have to. So suck it up, Mikey. In a manner of speaking...

     Speaking of the Tangerine shitgibbon, he has a shockingly brilliant theory as to why there's so much antisemitism going on since he became "president": The Jews are doing it to themselves to make him look bad! So, you see, the Jews aren't the victims, they're the perpetrators and Trump's the actual victim!
     As proof, note these undercover lib'rals at Charlottesville last year who were financed and planted by the likes of George Soros and the skeleton of Saul Alinski.

     This is what inevitably happens when you vote in nothing but Republicans- Financial ruin. God only knows why they gave these massive tax cuts to the oil and gas industries. It wasn't if the companies could just take their oil and gas fields and set up shop elsewhere. Look what happened in Kansas during the Brownback administration. So what's the obvious solution? Raise taxes on cigarettes! (Which a court struck down). Uh, cut social services and school budgets!
     Which was the fucking plan all along. Then they can bring in the charter schools that Betsy DeVos has been slavering for so they can finish bankrupting the state until Oklahoma is nothing but an empty bank vault with a few scattered pennies on the floor.

     "Secretary Zinke, my grandfather suffered so greatly in the Japanese internment camps that it took him until late in life before he could speak of it."
     “Oh, Konnichiwa!
     Someone please slam that $139,000 door on his balls? Like, repeatedly?

     Have you ever wondered why evangelical nut bags still support a guy who's had five children with three women, cheated on every one of his wives and is a Biblically illiterate homunculus (despite them being evangelical nut bags)? Well, wonder no more. They see him as bringing about the End of Days they're slavering for.

     So, "Obama was a liar, too, so it's OK if Trump does it"? Yes, Obama was a liar. He just wasn't quite as prolific as Trump.

     For them there Allerbammer sheriffs, those mirrored sunglasses and Sam Browne gun belts cost money! And so do $750,000 beach houses. Money shot: This kind of graft is perfectly legal in Alabama even if inmates are forced to eat corn dogs twice a day for weeks on end to save money. Now you know why so many of them run for public office.

     And, lastly, in case Nancy "I Love Blue Dogs" Pelosi has forgotten (and she obviously has), this is what a real liberal Democrat looked like.


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