Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night

On July 27th, after dramatic last minute arm-twisting on his part, Speaker of the House John Boehner decided there would be no vote on a stopgap deficit reduction bill that would pave the way to raising the debt ceiling by $2.7 trillion before August 2nd. What were the biggest reasons why Speaker Boehner decided not to hold a vote?

10) Boehner couldn't twist enough dicks because fellow Republicans were too busy photographing them with their cell phones.

9) The Drudge Report and Andrew Breitbart said if they sided with Boehner on a compromise, Congressman Barney Frank would fuck their fathers.

8) All 37 remaining Tea Party members camped outside Boehner's office window while repeatedly shouting, "Put your government hands on my Medicare!"

7) Security guards for Koch Industries repeatedly blocked Boehner at Republican office doors, stating he wasn't on their approved list.

6) Tea Party caucus refused to budge on a balanced budget amendment that would require President Obama to change his name to "Toby."

5) Freshman Republicans refused to commit either way until their fax machines spit out something from Rush Limbaugh.

4) Grover Norquist threatened to drown any Republican who sided with Boehner in a bathtub.

3) Joe Walsh's entire office repossessed by Illinois Department of Revenue for back child support.

2) Paul Ryan angry at Boehner for allowing him to be marginalized and forgotten during deficit debate.

1) Because Senators Harry Reid and Chuck Schumer inexplicably said it in Swahili, moderate Republicans translated for Boehner into English, "It will not pass in the Senate and the President will veto it."