Paul Ryan's Top Ten Conditions on Running for the Speakership

     House Ways and Means Committee Chairman and former Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan has apparently changed his mind about running for Speaker of the House. After saying he was not interested in the post, his fractious Republican Party seems unable to advance a viable candidate since Kevin McCarthy withdrew his name from consideration. Mr. Ryan named as his conditions not sacrificing time from his family and a unified GOP behind him. But Rep. Ryan also had other conditions. What were they?

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10) Allowed to wash clean pots and pans in Congressional cafeteria should the need for an Everyman PR stunt arise.

9) House Master at Arms must promise not to lift more weights than him in the Congressional gym.

8) Housekeeping staff must redouble its efforts to vacuum up the last of the peanut shells and pork rind crumbs still stubbornly remaining since Newt Gingrich left in '98.

7) Mitt Romney shall henceforth be referred to only as "He Who Shall Remain Nameless."

6) Speaker's gavel shall be refashioned after Thor's hammer in those cool Marvel Avengers movies.

5) No more graffiti in the Congressional washroom calling Ryan "Eddie Munster."

4) Yeah, and refs to Goober, too. Not cool at all.

3) Ryan's next budget proposal must be named, "The One That Will Save Us All Because This is What Ayn Rand Would've Wanted."

2) Capitol Police must have a permanent task force with orders to shoot Pope Francis on sight.

1) Ayn Rand's skeleton shall lie in state in perpetuity at the House well until she arises to take us to the Promised Land.