Cecil Blubberpuss Sprays Again!

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

Even COVID-19 can't keep a good billionaire down!" I coughed on every homeless person I saw as I walked down an otherwise deserted 5th Avenue. Really, when was the last time you heard of a billionaire dying of COVID-19? That's because we're smarter and tougher than everyone else. Of course, it also helps tremendously to have a yacht so you can serenely float off into the sunset like David Geffen.

     Why, look at my good friend, President Donald Trump, who never wears a mask because that would be, to him, a sign of giving up and letting the coronavirus do its thing. Well, the president didn't give up or give in and, with just the White House medical apparatus, just one measly test a day, mandated social distancing and a brief two-week regimen of hydroxychloroquine, is still in the orange pink of health!

     And liberal fat heads like the proprietor of this left wing sewer of a blog say he's not the president but only plays one on TV. Ha! If he wasn't the courageous president that I know and love, why would he have willingly faced humiliation and infection in Tulsa, Oklahoma, one of the coronavirus hotspots on the planet, just to put Americans at ease by showing them he can drink a glass of water with one hand and walk down a ramp with a steep 3 degree decline?  And that cognitive test! Take that, libtards! Don't tell me the Commander in Chief can't distinguish between a rhino and a camel! 

     Then hours later, he packed a tiny venue in Arizona, another coronavirus hotspot. where they could barely fit the 6000+ in attendance, which was even more huge than the turnout in Tulsa! Why, this benign virus has proven so deadly that the vice president had to cancel his own rally in Arizona that month!

     Seriously, it's a miracle our stable genius of a president can stay caught up on all the confusing, conflicting messages coming out of his own White House. Who to believe? Medical professionals with decades of training and experience in the medical field or self-interested right wing politicians who are obsessed with getting the economy back on track to save our embattled president from a sure crashing and burning defeat on November 3rd? Why, obviously the latter since they have united behind the president to make this country the great success story for the first time in its history! Why, in just the last month, the president single-handedly battled the unemployment rate down to an absurdly low 11.1%! That's less than half of depression-era levels!

     Now, some of you will say that those who can work from home guiding this great, booming economy have it easy, that we have an advantage, that anyone with a Bloomberg terminal can set up shop in their own home and to continue making moolah. Well, that is true. But is it my fault if you choose to sling hash at a Wendy's or settle for being a barista at a local Starbucks and can't work from home and get yelled at by patriotic libertarian-Americans who refuse to wear a mask for a few minutes? Boo hoo.

     

     Now, look at my baby brother Cecil. Go on, take a good long look at him. He's not that hideous.

     Cecil showed back in 90's that he had the entrepreneurial spirit that made America great when he set up www.cecilsprays.com, the internet's first live video sex chat room. Well, being sheltered in place had moved my kid sibling to launch another website. That's why, a month ago, Cecil decided to do his patriotic duty and qualified as a first time contractor (which is quite a big deal in itself, as most applications don't make the grade) by selling coronavirus-themed, uh, adult toys to the USA government.

     Thanks to a sturdy Eastern European supply chain where mine and Cecil's GRU-KGB contacts from the good old days keep the factory in Slovenia humming with more or less willing help, Cecil is now supplying Uncle Sam with COVID-19-resistent dildos, Ben Wah balls and vibrators with French ticklers, which are now being rushed to hospitals where, no doubt, the delighted doctors and nurses will be opening those plain, brown wrapped supplies with confusion but joy!

     According to the government's latest contract disclosures, Cecil had already made between $1-3 million in sales. Hopefully, every medical professional will soon be holding a jiggling rubber dildo proved by Slovenia's version of the FDA to be up to 50% effective in battling coronavirus.

     Once again, the free market (with significant assistance from the government that more often than not is the enemy of the free market), wins again!