Incest in the Name of Jebus

 

 (By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

Dear Apostle Jim (apostle@doveoutreach.org):

I have heard in the liberal media your recent travails regarding your niece tattling on you and your under-apostles and the equally Socialist liberal Athens mob who seem to have a problem with your good ministry.

    It is truly a sorry state of affairs in this increasingly de-enlightned age when a young woman shows ingratitude toward kith and kin and eschews the fraternal love freely bestowed upon her by her own brothers.

     Granted, in the spirit of honesty, I must admit that my brother Cecil, my daughter Bertha and I are not as religious as we could be (We have made, however, something of a God in the Almighty Dollar, if that passes muster with you).

     Lord knows, it has been tough being a single parent to Bertha since my ex-wife Gladys ran off screaming into the streets of Manhattan during one particular role-playing night with yours truly. The last I heard, she'd fallen in with some hippie commune in Bisbee, Arizona selling tiny figurines made of ear wax and belly button lint on one of the roads out of town.

 

     It has also been tough being a big brother to my baby brother, Cecil since our father Ambrose's death some 30 years ago. Both have certain... eccentricities in their characters that others outside the family do not take the time to learn to cherish. Bertha, for instance, seems to terrorize our maid Rosita by blasting kd lang and Melissa Etheridge music and staring down at her from the top of the stairs while curling 80 pound dumbbells.

 

     As for Cecil, well, he's had his share of run-ins with the law, especially 31 years ago when he ran http://www.cecilsprays.com, the first live sex chat room in internet history. Since getting out of Rikers Island 13 years ago, the poor boy hasn't had the heart to follow the family business in the financial sector, preferring to spend his time watching every video Youtube has to offer of the Vienna Boy's choir and middle school wrestling meets.

     Still, the boy's getting a healthy dose of religion by watching those Vienna Boy's Choir videos. Myself, I am sufficiently lacking as the closest I've had to spiritual guidance were the fine bean-counters at Mazars who, as with my buddy Donald Trump, another man of God, dropped me as a client over some alleged claim of money laundering using male bordellos in Mexico and Slovenia (a brilliant idea of Cecil's, I must admit).

     At any rate, Apostle Jim, I tell you all this to let you know that, while I may be spiritually deficient, I am very rich in terms of money and I vow to help you with your legal fund in any way that I can, provided we can come to some agreement whereby I get to write it off as a tax deduction. Yet, as piously pecunious though I may be, I want to hold up my own family as an example that my baby girl and kid brother have never shown the ingratitude that your niece had. Neither Cecil nor Bertha have had any desire to leave my opulent home on 5th Avenue (although we did have a close call in 2009 when I had to body tackle Bertha to keep her from fleeing to the Klondike after watching AMC's one season of Lady Ice Road Truckers of Alaska).

     There is nothing more important than family and, more importantly, keeping it in the family whether you're talking about money or brotherly semen. It was also a shame to see your sheriff friend go down for trying to ensure your church's discretion in the wake of your niece's treachery.

     Anyway, Apostle Jim, let me know if you require further assistance besides the legal fund I am prepared to disburse your way. Matt Gaetz emailed me tonight to suggest my asking you if you accept Venmo and if there are any young ladies about "16sh" left in your parish who require a Sugar Daddy, as he playfully refers to himself.

Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American