When America Was Ruled By a Venomous Toad

     Once upon a time, America was oppressed by a monarchy. It taxed us without giving us representation in the British government. Then a group of wise men held something called a Constitutional Convention in 1774. They embarked on a Great Political Experiment and sought freedom from oppression and we fought for, and secured our freedom and sovereignty.

      It came to be known as the Great Experiment, the first Democratic Republic in world history, where, in theory, a free people had a voice in their own destiny. When a lady asked Benjamin Franklin, "Do we have a monarchy or a republic?", Dr. Franklin famously replied, "A republic, madam... if we can keep it." 

     For upwards of 240 years after the signing of the Declaration of Independence, we'd kept our democratic republic. Our system of government, our influence on the world stage strengthened and other nations wanted what we had. We weren't perfect but we at least held out the promise and hope for other nations who also had yearned for their freedom and a voice in their own destiny.

     Then a crooked orange toad drifted down an escalator one day and started changing all that. He stood behind a podium and began belching out racist remarks and bragging about how wealthy he was. It was like watching a pig walk on its hind legs. We couldn't take our eyes off him. But the morbid fascination should have ended there.

     Yet it didn't. What started out as a publicity stunt designed to get a better contract on television before a mercenary audience that was paid $50 a head to be there bloomed into something much worse. It was like watching a corpse flower blossom, stinking up the nation with evils and bigotries we should have put to rest long ago.

     But, you see, we hadn't. Because the orange toad reminded us of our toxic ideologies from the past and we decided, instead of keeping them in the shadows of the past, to resurrect them. Because venomous toads have no real use for unity unless they couch it in terms of letting them have their way without opposition and to give them our silent, obedient consent. Because the fat toad who'd drifted down that escalator thrives on hatred and division, like all authoritarians.

     A month later, he began savaging war veterans who'd actually suffered and sacrificed and we chucked our own chins in what passed for actual thought and said, "By God, he's right." He began insulting families of sons who'd made the supreme sacrifice on far-flung battlefields. He began mocking disabled journalists and we thought, "Wow, he tells it like it is. How refreshing."

     We decided we wanted to hand the bloated, venomous toad the most awesome power over invested in one human being and placed him in the seat of power. He began by preventing people from entering our country based on their religion, then watched with approval as he tear-gassed migrants at the border, tore children from their mothers' arms and placed them in cages. Then he tear-gassed his own people so he could hold an upside own Bible he didn't own to preen before a church at which he didn't worship. And we marveled at his godliness and piety.

     We raged about wearing "diapers" on our faces during the deadliest pandemic in a century that he'd ignored in literally hundreds of ways. He'd refused to give medical supplies to blue states that didn't sufficiently bloat his ego. Hundreds of thousands died 

     The American people finally woke up and voted him out by a landslide. Then he attacked his own government because his ego couldn't handle that. He got people killed. Then a toadie in Florida killed a prosecution by claiming the prosecutor was illegally-appointed. The toad never went to prison or saw the inside of a courtroom. He stole hundreds of classified and top secret documents. The toad never went to prison or saw the inside of a courtroom over that.

      After four of the most ruinous years in American history, 81,000,000 people decided enough was enough. We elected a man to effectively run the government and mostly good things happened. The economy improved. Many jobs were created. We regained our prestige among other nations that cringed when they were in the toad's company.

     Then the unthinkable happened. America went back to sleep. 77,000,000 Americans thought, "Yes, I want four more years of that shit" despite the toad croaking even worse evils and villainies the next time around. We wanted to go back to those Dark Ages because we uncritically believed the lies spewing from the venomous toad's distended mouth.

     Then masked men in black began fanning out across the nation, pulling brown people out of their homes, their cars, their work places. Oh look! It's the Thought Police come to life! It's the American Gestapo! Isn't it wonderful? That'll teach the liberals.

     Except the people being victimized were the toad's own supporters. Their husbands and wives and children were getting deported and beaten. How could this happen? Did their votes, their money, their volunteer time not sufficiently immunize them from the toad's wrath? They bleated, "I love you, Mr President but..." The toad belched more bile at them.

     The toad's subjects could no longer afford food, quality health care and the venomous toad croaked, "I don't want to hear about affordability!" Instead, he gave them empty lies abut how wonderful things were and $2000 checks and how horrible they really had it a year ago.

     The venomous toad got more erratic, childish and angrier despite being slathered with vacuous honors given to him by his own toadies. He is once again destroying alliances, cozying up to tyrants who know him for the attention-starved amphibian that he is. People are once again losing their jobs, their savings and still they bleat, "I love you, Mr, President, but..."

     Because as long as their ancient  bigotries are being ritualized and legitimized, as long as those nasty liberals get owned, it's all worthwhile until the venomous toad's retribution for fictional and unspecified grievances personally affects them. 

     The Great Experiment is crashing and burning before our very eyes like a slow-motion Hindenburg because we have convinced ourselves that we are powerless to stop it. We sincerely believe that despite being the nation that had defeated Germany in two world wars, smashed Nazism in Europe, put men n the moon and safely brought them back and developed vaccines for the worst diseases on earth.

     What, oh what shall we do? We've set fire to our own house to spite our liberal neighbors and now can't put out the fire because the fire department won't show up. Surely, the pursuit of self-perpetuating, masochistic misery to trigger a few liberals we don't know is much better than the pursuit of happiness, correct?

     But we seem to have forgotten that, like a machine, democracies and republics, as Dr. Franklin said, are not self-executing and have to be maintained. Evolution has to be observed, adjustments made, the system strengthened. And we should best remember that if we are to maintain this experiment long after the venonous old toad is an orange stain on the American psyche.