Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sweet Jesus, I Hate America

And so would Jesus. So you'd better hope the Jews are right and that Jesus isn't coming back or 350,000,000 of us will have some fast 'splainin' to do on Judgment Day.

When I look around me, at this once-great nation, I think of Ambrose Bierce's definition of "resident": Unable to leave. The same could apply to most citizens whose economic legs have been broken and banking bastinado has hobbled us from leaving this sinking ship, this burning blimp of a country. And I'd leave it in a New York minute if I could.

Once I make my first million dollars, I'm going to buy a pub in the Irish countryside and look out the window to the green rolling hills while listening to drunks sing until the wee hours. Or maybe I'll buy a mansion in Manila and hire a Filipino houseboy like Jack London and maybe he'll call me, as did London's, "Mr. God." Or perhaps I'll move to France just to piss off the Republicans and eat pom frites until my arteries get harder and more brittle than crack pipes while thinking of Freedom Fries. At least I'll have one of the best health care systems in the world to care for me.

Virtually anything, sweet blue-eyed Jesus, anything would be better than what we have going on here. And why do I hate you idiots so much? Gee, let me count the motherfucking ways:

We live in a country in which super twinks like Justin Bieber and Youtube's Shane Dawson have sucked up 90% of the interest on the internet, in which it's virtually guaranteed that at any time of the day or night, the top trending topic on Yahoo or Twitter will be celebrity-related. This is because we care more about who Tiger Woods is fucking than who Goldman Sachs or BP or our own government is rear-ending.

We live in a country where huge segments of the population still believe that Saddam had WMDs, that we still belong in Iraq and Afghanistan, that America was founded on Christian principles yet still can't enumerate the five basic freedoms granted us by the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights. A large segment of conservatives actually believe that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ and almost half of us, despite the disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, still support offshore oil drilling. A huge state like California thought it was more important to deny same sex couples the right to marry than to tackle the state's huge budgetary shortfall or to address the looming water crisis.

We live in a country in which we had somehow miraculously transitioned from barbarism to decadence without the usual interregnum of civilization. We don't have civilization and never had. We've invaded more nations just in my own lifetime than Nazi Germany, fascist Italy and Japan had combined. Our intelligence community and our "liberal" administration targets American citizens and others for assassination without due process. Our tax dollars pay for this and other war crimes yet we're eerily OK with this.

And it only stands to reason that such a materialistic, imperialistic nation wouldn't have a culture of its own. Culture? Make me laugh. We don't have culture, we have a hyperactive consumerism. Men and women of actual talent, people who had been able to raise themselves from the muck and mire of our pathetic public school system to write books of their own get ignored every day or dismissed with form rejection letters while air-headed douchebags like Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber get body-tackled by celebrity-chasing literary agents and signed to $7,000,000 deals for books they don't and can't even write. Then they sign them to more and put them on TV more often than the test patterns that are more informative. Who cares that they're ghost-written by partisan hacks and racists and are more filled with lies than the Bible that tens of millions of us take literally? Talent alone is no longer even on an agent's or editor's list of priorities. The short list of priorities consists of one word: Sales.

We live in a nation in which our children have committed to memory every song lyric by Slipknot or Metallica but can't recall a single line by any of the Romantic poets and perhaps even Shakespeare. We prostrate ourselves before the red-carpeted altar of celebrity, willingly fleeced by the corporations that have created them without once realizing that we the unwashed masses would be tasered if we ever put one hand across that velvet rope.

Because we have been marginalized, criminalized and scrutinized by those with more money and property who loathe and fear us. And we're perfectly OK with that.

You make me sick, America, sick enough to puke up everything I've ever ingested since 1959. Never in my historical readings and in all my erudition have I ever seen a nation that wasted so much of its potential in such a relatively short span of time.

And yet you still cling like stubborn sin to the biennial belief that we wield fractional, momentary power every even-numbered year and that we actually elect officials who will represent us. Well, I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, comrades, but for every Alan Grayson and Dennis Kucinich there are approximately 433 other corporate zombies who have a less than representative agenda.

It used to be that Congress had outsourced its legislation to corporations such as the HMOs and the lending racket but actually it's the opposite that's true: It's the corporations who have outsourced their agenda to a Congress that plainly works for them. Think about how many millions of us have to sign petitions, make phone calls, send faxes, emails and letters just to get the begrudging attention of a Congressman. Think it takes a million Lloyd Blankfeins or Ken Lays to get that same congressman's attention? It takes only one because those are the individuals they represent, the individuals that the Supreme Court made of corporations.

We live in a nation in which a man can get years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread to feed his family because, since Reagan, we'd found it easier and more expedient to criminalize and vilify poverty than to address the causes of it. But when the already-wealthy rig the gaming table that is Wall Street and cripple the housing market and tank the economy to make a few billion more, they get to negotiate with the SEC in climate-controlled rooms and no one ever talks about criminal charges let alone jail time.

Then when we were told by our "representatives" that we the people have to bail out these same corporations that helped cost us 8-12 million jobs and cause millions of foreclosures, instead of rising up in a quivering, blood-curdling fury on Pennsylvania Avenue or Wall Street, we merely change the channel and see if Britney Spears is wearing her underwear today. And it's up to the racist, post-literate Tea Baggers to do our protesting for us.

And we're OK with this, huh?

You fucking zombies don't deserve the democracy that your forefathers died to give you in Valley Forge, on the Lexington Bridge, in the streets of Boston. Why do I say that? Because nations, younger nations, nations who haven't had time to get spoiled by the illusion of freedom, nations like Iran, Kenya and Mexico rose up and openly rioted, and died, in the streets defending the democracy they knew had been stolen from them. We threw a few eggs at George W. Bush's limousine on January 20, 2001 and then went home and called it a good day's work.

God, I fucking loathe you and everything you don't stand for. Every time I hear Jimi Hendrix's rendition of the "Star Spangled Banner" at Woodstock, Picasso's Guernica set to music, when the colors red, white and blue melted off the flag as in an acid trip and dribbled down the sewers of Main Street, every time I think of those Wah-wahed, tortured distortions it becomes clearer to me why he did it.

It was Jimi's mournful keen for an America he once knew, an America for which he would've fought as a paratroop in the 101st Screaming Eagles. It was Jimi's not very pretty obituary for an America to which we'd once aspired and had almost attained, a nation of such tremendous bounty, such potential for good.

Yet even as we drown in goods and are bombarded by services ranging from mortgage refinancing for homes we no longer own to lengthening our penises, we still produce less and less because all the jobs have been outsourced overseas. Despite supporting two losing and unwinnable wars, we have never had to sacrifice one teaspoon of sugar, candy bar or pair of nylons, have never once orchestrated one rubber, paper or scrap iron drive to support these war efforts. Almost 6000 families notwithstanding, We the People have sacrificed... nothing.

Well, I'm not OK with this. And while my emigration from this country will not change anything and few will care and none will remember, I think it's only important to enumerate my reasons for doing this if given the first available opportunity.

Our bought-and sold government is corrupt to the core, our sociopathic corporations are corrupt, our so-called culture is corrupted and talent, virtue and righteousness are punchlines.

First chance I get, I'm outta here in a New York minute, just me and my own, before I'm forced into a situation when, as H.L. Mencken visualized, I spit on my hands, raise the black flag and commence the slitting of throats.

America, America, America you perfumed and styling-gelled nation of pigs and sheep, I'm fucking through with you.


At May 12, 2010 at 10:50 AM, Blogger stEn said...

I think you've managed to condense into a single post everything I've ever written (poorly) in my own blog.

Not that I'm willing to hang it up yet, but...

Keep up the great work.

At May 12, 2010 at 10:56 AM, Anonymous NomadUK said...

Damn, dude. Testify!

At May 12, 2010 at 11:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

May I recommend the beautiful part of Romania called Transylvania? Cluj-Napoca has a beautiful old opera house, two great cathedrals dating back to the 1200s, a nice university (with some classes given in English), a plethora of beautiful women (this is, of course, Romania), and a very educated population.

There is great skiing and delicious local wines. The standard of living is OK, unless your a Romanian because they've become the EU's equivalent of India, the outsourcing capital because of the educated workforce who are desperate for money thanks to the collapse of the Soviet Union.

But the people are nice, the food is great, the night life is improving, and, best of all, it ain't Amerikkka.

At May 12, 2010 at 11:41 AM, Blogger D. said...

I think you melted my keybo

At May 12, 2010 at 7:40 PM, Blogger Phil said...

Nice rant dude, it's all true, too.
America was shivved in the back and died a long time ago.
Hell, it was going to hell when we were kids.

At May 12, 2010 at 8:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As far as I know, the Jews don't necessarily deny Jesus is coming back, they just don't really have an opinion on the subject beyond, of course, whatever limitations on resurrection their individual view of physical realities imposes on them. That is, Jesus is no more likely to come back than any other person who died around that time. Now, individual Jews may have said some harsh things about the Prince of Peace, but I think allowances can and should be made in those cases, given the circumstances.
As I remember, an emphatic "Jesus Christ!" was my Dad's favorite oath, but for that I do not know whether to hold Judaism or the US Navy responsible.

At May 12, 2010 at 8:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"it becomes clearer to me why he did it"

Say wha? Why who did what?
Oh, why he played the song that way. Okay
Okay, cool. Threw me there for a minute. But I got it.

At May 12, 2010 at 8:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"It was Jimi's mournful keen for an America he once knew, an America for which he would've fought as a paratroop in the 101st Screaming Eagles."

Uh, no, I wonder if maybe a little Hendrix research is not in order.
Somehow I don't think Jimi Hendrix was Jack Armstrong, All American Boy, before he was given an all-American choice- prison or the Army.

At May 12, 2010 at 9:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"to lengthening our penises"

I didn't know about this. Got a link?
Anyway, if you want to get out of the country, wouldn't a military contracting job be the way to go?
You get out, and get paid. And retain the option to come back.
Sounds like a win-win!

At May 13, 2010 at 5:35 AM, Blogger Bukko Boomeranger said...

I agree 100%, of course. Been feeling that way since the night of Nov. 2, 2004.

I didn't set out to hate my homeland. I used to be proud of being an American -- right up to March 18, 2003.

But the country just went to shit. Partly because of shitty, sold-out leadership, but also because a critical mass of people supported the assclowns at the top, and made it plausible that they could stay in power without the fraud being TOTALLY obvious.

America -- what a waste of potential...

I've told you before that it's not easy to get into another country, though. Not if you do it legally. Countries don't just let you cruise in like states do in the U.S. It's like joining a country club -- there's all sorts of things you have to do to qualify. And if a person is middle-aged, as you and I are, countries just don't want you. They want young people who have decades of working, paying taxes and not using the medical system in them.

Having done it twice now, I can also say country-jumping doesn't get any easier with practice. The only plus to repetition is that I already had copies of the necessary documents.

It ain't cheap, either. Coming back to North America cost us roughly U.S. $25,000. That's not counting the car, appliances, etc. we had to get on this side. If we didn't have a bit of a financial cushion, this migrant labourer gig would have been hellish.

Then there's the cultural differences. Oz and Canuckrainia are SO similar to the U.S., but adapting still posed challenges. Especially for Mrs. Bukko. The countries that are easier to get into, like Mexico and Central America, would be even harder to adapt to.

Plus, no country is pure or perfect. Canada and Australia have their own fucktardedness. The difference between the U.S. and other Western nations is that the other countries TRY to make life better for the average citizen. In the U.S., citizens are just cows to be milked and slaughtered.

A better option would be to find people in a rural part of America with whom you could join. As a result of peak oil, climate change, instability of every money system on Earth and just general crookedness, the system is going to crash catastrophically in your lifetime. It might be the END of your life. If you're looking for survival strategies, I suggest reading "How to Build a Lifeboat" from my favourite doomster econoblog.

At May 13, 2010 at 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I moved to Argentina on January 20th, 2005 (the exact date was pure luck) and while I will never say never, I can not conceive of ever returning to the U.S. IT died for me on the day of the Bush v. Gore decision. It can not be resuscitated. No matter what crazy shit they do here in Argentina (and there is no shortage) it will never hurt me the way the death of the U.S. did.

At the least make a plan that on the very day you become eligible for Social Security, you will be on a flight outta there.

At May 13, 2010 at 1:14 PM, Blogger Stan B. said...

Lemme know if ya need a reliable worker in that pub o' yours in Ireland- I'll call ya whatever ya want...

At May 13, 2010 at 9:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you need help packing or a ride to the airport?

At May 13, 2010 at 10:06 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Worry about yourself and your own, pal. Because I sure as hell won't.

And I hate to harsh your buzz over the prospect of my leaving but I can still post from anywhere in the world. I didn't say I'd quit blogging. I just said I was willing give up my residence and US citizenship.

Being in Oregon, you're closer to Canada than I am. Try them first, eh?

At May 14, 2010 at 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant you covered it all. Sad isn’t.

At May 14, 2010 at 6:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

IF you leave its one less off the public teat.

At May 14, 2010 at 10:13 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Hey, part of that teat is mine. Who do you think kicks into UI benefits, buddy boy?

At May 15, 2010 at 6:59 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

Purty good, JP.

At May 25, 2010 at 8:35 PM, Blogger Bartender Cabbie said...

Wow! Delta is ready when you are.

At July 6, 2010 at 2:05 PM, Anonymous Realist said...

I'm getting to this post very late, but I'm glad I discovered it even so.

I share these feelings you list, and I really wish there was someplace to go. The short version is: there is not. Not for me. I have few assets due to having to borrow against them to put four kids through college. At least one, and maybe two, have realistic prospects for living in more stable foreign lands than I do, so I feel that I will have achieved the standard parental goal of making life better for at least some of my offspring.

I never quite put together your literal description of Hendrix' Star Spangled Banner even though I felt it each time I listened. Kudos for a brilliant vision of American reality.

If you ever do get that tavern going in Ireland, please raise a pint of Harp in my memory.

At July 17, 2010 at 3:35 PM, Anonymous Jim Cook said...

I crossed the border into Mexico July 1, 2007. Every day that goes by, I feel less and less like ever returning. For all its problems, there is a level of sanity in Mexico that is totally lacking in the US. Perhaps it is because Mexico doesn't fancy itself as the epi-center of the universe, and entitled to permanent domination over a world-wide empire. Also, while Mexico has been repeatedly invaded by others (most notoriously by the US in multiple instances) it has never, to my knowledge, invaded anyone else.

Great rant! Keep up the un-godly howling. Music to my ears! If you want to see what Mexico is REALLY like, as opposed to the bullshit on CNN, FAUX News, etc. check out our blog (see URL below).

At July 26, 2010 at 7:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm 60, can't ever retire, insurance is going to run out, can't get out. Guess I'll go down waving that black flag.

At August 11, 2010 at 3:45 PM, Anonymous Not a victim said...

"Be in the world but not of it".

The Buddha

At September 2, 2010 at 2:11 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

podistanO.k... Just to let you know I totally understand what you are saying. I'm new to posting comments and blogging. Actually, I never had blogged because I haven't found a website that I believe in a 100%. I am a single, mother of a 5year old and I have a lot to say. I have been looking for an anti-government (non-violence) group to rally with. WHAT do I find? The "Tea Party". I thought they were cool as hell until further investigation, I found out that they are just a republican family that is fighting for themselves. WHAT the hell? Palin and all those *#$##*# republicans are just looking to save our country but also to help themselves! I've been looking online for, not a republican or tea party or a democratic party, but for a party that represents the "real" American people! I've been saying for years that I'm embarrassed to be an American. I was wrong. The old school Government was looking out for all Americans. So, what is the word that I am so embarrassed for? Not the American people, but I'm embarrassed to be part of the "NEW" America, which may not specifically (but they do) go against the Constitution. These Mofo's ( who are our Government)are first of all, fighting between each other (republicans vs. democrats), How are they going to help anyone while they are fighting? We need a "one NATION under God" to help us. Then when people interview these mofo's it's only newspapers and t.v. (like CNN and FOX NEWS). Give me a freaking break. They are all paid people who get like over $100,000.00 while Americans are homeless, sick, or hungry. I am going to get an online petition to have a conference with the Government and the "real American people"! I love Obama, but there is only enough one man can do. Remember that he is a puppet. He is not the true leader of America! I feel that he wishes to be, but when reality hits, he can't fight for what he really believes in. Obama is a puppet! These mofo's get to live off of our taxpayers money more than comfortably while there are homeless, sick, poor, and just plain tired Americans! Obama comes on a commercial saying that the American people have to stand up and give food to these food banks. For real? This country wastes money on NASA (Blowing up part of the moon! That's another part I would love to discuss?) War, which most of us don't want, and plain old wastefulness. We the People should vote on EVERYTHING! We find politicians that stole millions of dollars that no one knew about for years. If there's all this extra money that the Governmet doesn't notice the there's money that can go to the homeless. poor, and the sick. The government is rich as hell and us Americans are left in the dirt. Help me figure out how to fight back. I am sikj as HELL with these rich politicians that are making our economy bad, while they sit in luxury. And we don't have a vote on all bills, legislations, and laws???? It's, WE THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!! Not, WE THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. We, the average Americans, need to stand up for ourselves. I would love to but I don't know how. Help me! But I swear, if Palin or a Bush gets voted back, I'm moving me and my family to Canada. I'm freaking done! I could go on and on about our country, but I went on long enough. Any thoughts?

At September 2, 2010 at 7:09 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Well, if you're looking for an organization that'll help you fight for your rights as an American citizen, there's always the ACLU, Moveon and so forth. But if you're looking for a nonviolent, anti-government group, I dunno what I can do to help you.

We liberals are still big believers in government, in our democracy. I utterly fail to see how you could think that a bunch of moronic thugs like the tea baggers could be cool. We were onto them from the start. They're self-styled anarchists who haven't slightest idea of what they'd replace our government with.

At January 3, 2011 at 9:47 PM, Blogger Marc McDonald said...

Hi, good post. I feel the same way, in many regards.
I suppose I'm alone on this viewpoint, but frankly, I don't even admire the Founding Fathers.
I guess that's blasphemy for an American. But the fact is, these guys were slave-owners. Their idea of "freedom" was only for rich white males. They wouldn't have known real Democracy if it bit them on their lily-white asses.
(And no, I don't want to hear about "Well, they were a product of their time." That's bullshit----even in their day, there was a loud, noisy abolitionist movement).
Yes, the America of today is seriously fucked up---and has been since Reagan. But frankly, it's been fucked up in many ways since the beginning.

At January 5, 2011 at 4:37 PM, Blogger Oblio said...

Very well done... kudos. I hadn't seen this post before today and I find meself nodding my head in agreement at almost every word. Why, oh why are we 'Murricans so blind and stupid? And now, many months after your post, we see the insane Republicans frothing over how they will stall, screw and smash everything that Barry has been able to accomplish against the most evil and obstructioninst wing of the GOP in forever.

Indeed... we are in for it now. But thanks again for a very literate and honest evaluation of how very fucked over we have become.

At November 3, 2011 at 5:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The real tragedy of America is that the rest of the world wants to be it. Don't come to Ireland, it's America without the gel and botox. If women are your thing, go with Dr Know.

At November 13, 2011 at 12:32 PM, Blogger Ebon Krieg said...

When I hear the words "american culture" I reach for my vomit bag.

At April 24, 2013 at 12:48 AM, Blogger Keith said...

After reading this incoherent diatribe, I look forward to your speedy departure. Travel will do you good - will perhaps give you the kind of balanced perspective that has obviously eluded you so far. For some odd reason, you still believe in utopia. Imperfection amazes you. You have not come to grips with you own contributions to the invariable flaws of the human race. You mistake your arbitrary judgments for timeless wisdom. In short, you have a long ways to go before your comments will be worth reading.

At April 24, 2013 at 9:33 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

My good man, mere imperfection is one thing. Outright, overt evil at the expense of the progress and continued good health of the human race in the pursuit of the Almighty dollar is another entirely. It's your kind of thinking that allowed these abuses and war crimes to accumulate to the point where the current atmosphere is now considered the cost of doing business with these monsters.

This three year-old post happens to be one of my best and most popular ones and if you'd bothered reading the comment section you will have noted that many more disagree than agree with you. I've been doing this for over eight years, writing "incoherently" about politics and am one of the most stunningly brilliant political pundits you'll ever find anywhere. I am also a legitimately as well as a self-published author who used to have an agent so I would think incoherence is the least of my problems.

Now why don't you begone and leave the criticism to those who aren't so lame of mind? Off you go, now. There's a lad...

At May 9, 2013 at 4:02 AM, Blogger green libertarian said...

Read this a couple of years ago, and am glad to have read it again, gotta turn my new GF onto it. It is absolutely spot on.

I remember you fondly from back in the OLD Americablog days in the mid-2000's, some great times, great commenters.

Peace man.

At May 9, 2013 at 10:12 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

I don't go there anymore, since Aravosis banned me for the 2nd and final time years ago.

At August 12, 2013 at 6:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't go there either since Americablog is sort of like Fox News, a bit of truth to frontrun the propaganda line from Uncle. That and a lot of pretense, all very boring and humdrum.

At May 7, 2014 at 6:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with virtually everything you said, and I am going to leave it in the near future for my own reasons. However, there are also great things in America - mostly its people. But like you said, America as a nation squanders its human potential at every chance, almost always siding with corporations.

I have done more to "serve" my country than most as a veteran of the two wars and the best and most intelligent people I have ever met were in the service.

I don't mean to be offensive, but you mentioned that people couldn't recognize Shakespeare. Let me ask you this. What does the First Law of Thermodynamics state? What is Newton's Third Law of Motion? These are very basic scientific laws that even so-called "educated" people don't know. I'm no Shakespeare expert, but I am a budding scientist-engineer and my opinion is that you may as well be completely illiterate if you are scientifically illiterate. (Of course, you may know the answer to my questions. But my point is merely that we all have different, completely arbitrary triggers.)

At February 8, 2018 at 11:40 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Kudos, Unknown. You've demonstrated you can troll an eight year-old blog post. I suppose congratulations are in order.

At February 8, 2018 at 8:35 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Hey, Cheesedick, don't you ever get tired of stalking someone's old posts and having your comments deleted and marked as spam, unread? Don't you ever tire of being humiliated by me? Is your life really that empty, that negative attention from me is better than what your gold digger wife can offer?


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  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
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