Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"It Was a Dark and Spermy Night..."

I hear you, Michael Corleone. Just when I think I'm out, some right wing asshat pulls me right back in.

Some of you may recall Jon Stewart tearing Eugene Delgaudio a new one on the Daily Show last April. Delgaudio is a man who plainly has issues and even a layman such as me can make a pretty persuasive case that this man is about two glasses short of a pitcher of Koolaid.

Delgaudio is the District Supervisor for Sterling, VA and he's renowned for his bizarre fundraising letters in his ongoing battle against teh gays. Because of the very nature of the internet, with one mouse click leading to another, don't ask me how I crossed paths with this waste of trace elements but the important thing is I did.

Remembering that the Rude Pundit is famous for subscribing to Tony "Who's the Girl, Norman?" Perkins' Super Duper Prayer Team over at the Family Research Council, I went to this asshat's official website and took a brief survey. Despite the fact that I answered all six questions about gay rights the way you'd expect a liberal bisexual like me to answer them, I was immediately inundated with congratulatory emails from Degaudio's organization, Public Advocate (his unofficial job title). I thought it prudent to save his letters.

Now, before I continue, let me draw one distinction between genuine homophobes like Delgaudio and what I call (thank you, Bobby Gibbs) the professional homophobes. The pros are simply currying political or religious favor. They honestly couldn't give a shit if Elton John married David Furnish because they know it has no impact on their marriage. After all, you're responsible for the upkeep of your own relationship regardless of sexual orientation. That's just common sense and even your more pragmatic right wingers would admit as much if you were to bend elbows with them at a Bennigan's.

People like Delgaudio are something else entirely. His Twitter account that often screams about "the thought police" is good for a cheap chuckle but in order to get a more comprehensive view into his particular brand of unhinged lunacy, you simply have to subscribe to his fund raiser newsletters. Delgaudio is the most dangerous kind of homophobe: The kind that not only believes with all his heart that the LGBT community is out to get him, but even imagines stuff out of whole cloth.

Take, for instance, this Bulwer-Lyttonesque excerpt from last spring that was reproduced in full by Steve Clemons of the Washington Note:

One stormy night I drove to a mailshop hidden deep in a nearly deserted stand of warehouses. I'd heard something was up and wanted to see for myself.

As I rounded the final turn my eyes nearly popped. Tractor-trailers pulled up to loading docks, cars and vans everywhere and long-haired, earring-pierced men scurrying around running forklifts, inserters and huge printing presses.

Trembling with worry I went inside. It was worse than I ever imagined.

Row after row of boxes bulging with pro-homosexual petitions lined the walls, stacked to the ceiling.

My mind reeled as I realized hundreds, maybe thousands, more boxes were already loaded on the tractor-trailers. And still more petitions were flying off the press.

Suddenly a dark-haired man screeched, "Delgaudio what are you doing here?" Dozens of men began moving toward me. I'd been recognized.

As I retreated to my car, the man chortled, "This time Delgaudio we can't lose."

Driving away, my eyes filled with tears as I realized he might be right. This time the Radical Homosexuals could win...

But wait. Delgaudio's particular insanity, like fine wine and leather, just improves if not mellows with time. Because his latest fund raiser email is not only chock-a-block packed with the usual homophobic lunacy, it even comes with 40% more Freudian slips!

First the Homosexual Lobby rammed their disastrous Thought Control Bill into law.

The Homosexual Lobby is whipping up a tsunami of political momentum.

Jurassic, if we don’t act now, the Homosexual Lobby will ram it right down our throats.

If the Homosexual Lobby rams through the Gay Bill of Special Rights, the federal government will hand control of the American economy over to radical homosexuals.

If Public Advocate is going to to mount a successful lobbying campaign against the Gay Bill of Special Rights, I must have you sign the petition to your Congressman by clicking here.

Hmmm... Ramming. Ramming down our throats. Whipping. Mounting. Is anyone else getting turned on by this steamy, manly rhetoric?

But wait, it gets even better because Gene then figuratively pulls up a chair, skooches over and tells us in no uncertain terms how his crusade is affecting him personally:
Honestly, sometimes my job feels like the loneliest in the world.

It seems as though I have so few allies in my fight to defeat the Gay Bill of Special Rights. Every day, as I walk through the halls of Congress, I feel the eyes of radical homosexuals on me. Their hatred is obvious, and they are everywhere. They seem to have gotten to nearly everyone who was weak or wavering...

Now, granted, I'm not exactly what you'd call a purveyor of adult gay literature. But I would imagine the seedier examples would sound a lot like Delgaudio's weekly begs, sort of a "Dear Editor" contribution to Ramrod Monthly.

Indeed, in his fictions, poor Eugene seems to be surrounded by manly, longhaired, earringed, confident, forceful studs whose eyes slither over him. It is dark and stormy (or spermy. Who knows what his muse is holding back?), making one ask what he's doing skulking around warehouses looking for pro-gay literature during dark, stormy nights in the first place.

The funny thing is, Delgaudio said in his April newsletter that "homosexuals" make up only 1% of the population yet in his sweat-drenched fantasies, they always seem to surround him, as if he, I dunno, attracts them. Plus, we haven't the slightest idea of what percentage of the US population is gay, lesbian or bisexual on account of so many of us remaining in the closet. But I think most of us can agree that gays alone make up more than 1%. They don't all live in P'town, San Francisco, Fire Island and the Castro.

But making up facts is the least of Delgaudio's evils because this man is not only unhinged and living in some delusion that sounds like a John Waters version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers but this particular man is an elected official.


At September 7, 2010 at 1:29 PM, Blogger D. said...

Um, the Castro is in San Francisco.

That guy's rantings are ... indescribable.

At September 7, 2010 at 1:42 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

I know that. But the Castro isn't SF anymore than Boston is Massachusetts. I just thought I'd mention both.

At September 7, 2010 at 1:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come on, is that the dude in the Cat In The Hat? Could he BE more gay?

At September 7, 2010 at 6:16 PM, Anonymous I keep coming back said...

Well that wasn't a very long quitting, was it? A week? You've quit for more than that half a dozen times!

Anyway, good effort. It's amusing to hear of these sublimino-faggy fools that you, Rudey and Teh Gen'l keep finding. I'm glad you are the one turning over the rocks to see the writhing maggots underneath, because I sure wouldn't want to take the time to do the digging. How can these fucktwits be so oblivious to how lunatic their lives are? Brings to mind the Biblical line about seeing the mote in thy neighbor's eye and not noticing the spar in thine. It's a sign of mental illness to be so un-self-aware.

At September 7, 2010 at 6:35 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

No, it was more than two weeks. 15 days, to be exact. And I've never quit for anywhere near that length of time.

But, one way or the other, I don't see myself posting at Pottersville for too much longer.

At September 7, 2010 at 7:17 PM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherford said...

"Well that wasn't a very long quitting, was it? A week? You've quit for more than that half a dozen times!"

Quitting is easy, he does it all the time!

And I gotta second this commenter's sentiments: you do seem to be the only one turning over these rocks and then making these connections! Too bad there's no money in investigative journalism anymore (or journalism in general)...

At September 8, 2010 at 1:40 AM, Anonymous Juan Moment said...

Glad to see you changed your mind JP. My jogs around the blogs are just not the same without Pottersville.

I'd bet my nipple ring on Eugene having quite a history of surfing gay online content and chances are at least one draw in his office and/or bedroom has gay porn mags in it. All in the name of research of course.

At September 8, 2010 at 12:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's all about redemption!


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