Assclowns of the Week #98: Get Bentghazi edition

     Well, despite 13 Congressional hearings and over $125,000,000 blown on Benghazi investigations, the GOP Krazy Klown Kar roared out of the motor pool packed with Republican assclowns who are bound and determined to get to the bottom of an embassy attack they singlehandedly created and that then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned us about.
     But, despite the House GOP's (1) and right wing media's (3) best efforts, Benghazi wasn't the only topic of conversation this past week.There was Cliven Bundy's Merry Pranksters (10) for going all Ken Kesey on sacred Native American burial grounds; Ann Coulter (7) for basically saying, "Don't think about those little darkies. Look at me, look at me!" and Judge Rudolph Randa who literally ruled that campaign finance corruption was protected "free speech".
     So, let's step into a Bundy ATV and tour the right wing landscape of assclownery (and Benghazi!) and much, much more!

10) Cliven's Patriots

     Cliven Bundy and his little army of patriots of a country they claim doesn't exist took white privilege to a whole 'nuther level by going on an unauthorized little joyride through Recapture Canyon. OK, I get the symbolism of patriotic conservatives intent on recapturing an America they once knew and loved but why was this verboten? Well, Utah's Recapture Canyon also happens to be the resting place for ancient Pueblans and, as those of us who recognize the existence of the US government know, Native American burial grounds are sacred.

     The so-called protest, which was organized by San Juan County Commissioner Phil Lyman, also included some of Bundy's moocher offspring. They could have used any of 2800 miles of open trails for their little flag-waving, gun-toting stunt but they chose to ride their redneck jeeps on the 14 miles that are closed to the public.

     No doubt, this is how they preferred to perceive themselves. 

     This is what they actually looked like as they marked "their" territory.

9) Donald Sterling

     And, speaking of white privilege, as if exposing himself to ridicule and censure wasn't enough, Clippers owner Donald Sterling did what many racist right wing nut jobs do when caught white-handed making racist statements: He doubled down on his Jim Crow world view while supposedly in the act of making an "apology." Last night, as Ann Coulter (below) was making herself a national laughingstock again, Sterling went on CNN's Anderson Cooper's 360 and, against all odds, somehow managed to make himself more loathsome and offensive than ever.
     Essentially, Sterling blamed his girlfriend for entrapping him into candidly talking and said Magic Johnson, with whom he's not at all obsessed, wasn't a good role model for kids "because he has AIDS" and "ought to be ashamed of himself." Forget the fact that Mr. Johnson runs or participates in several charities and foundations geared toward bettering the lives of disadvantaged youth. He has AIDS!

     Of course, by making himself the most loathed man in the NBA for the second month in a row, Sterling just fell back on the same tactic used since time immemorial by other privileged white people who are called on their racism and present themselves as the victims for being called out on their bigotry.

8) #RWNJs on Twitter

      The rabid right wing is right. We shouldn't be paying so much attention to Mizzou defensive end Michael Sam getting drafted by the Rams. Because, as with all the drafted players, we ought to be focusing on Sam's promise and athletic abilities, not his sexual orientation, once he gets into the NFL. But, wait, that's not the point the aforementioned rabid right wing was making on Twitter and elsewhere. Thanks to Right Wing Watch, we ought to be appalled, appalled, I tells ya! that ESPN cut away to show Mr. Sam kissing his boyfriend on hearing he was drafted by the Rams. We should, instead, be paying attention to Tim Tebow, an overrated hasbeen who isn't even in the NFL, anymore, since the Patriots shitcanned him.

     In fact, the hysteria reached such heights that a so-called coalition of evangelical leaders is calling for a boycott of the NFL (let's see how long that lasts in Texas, for instance) and Peter Hanna Barbera claimed he was "forced to watch" the icky gay kiss. And Justin Phillips of Tea Bagger Nation called for the NFL to lose its tax-exempt status (unlike churches that engage in political activity) if it continues to "push an agenda." I pronounce these hind leg chewers guilty of homophobia and sentence them to aversion therapy consisting of watching an endless loop of Johnny Weir highlights to a Clay Aiken soundtrack.

7) Ann Coulter

      Poor Ann Coulter is longer in the face than usual. The day before yesterday, Coulter thought she'd try to regain some of her relevance by hijacking the #Bringbackourgirls hashtag for her own ends. Well, the old girl got more than she'd bargained for and was ridiculed by every other wag on the internet (including yours truly).
     Because the ex-Queen of Mean doesn't think nearly 300 kidnapped Nigerian girls for Boko Haram's nefarious ends are worth nearly as much as getting back "our country" that one suspects is, in Coulter's mind, paler than buttermilk.

6) Judge Rudolph Randa

     When Scott Walker announced years ago that "Wisconsin is open for business," little did anyone realize that the business would be buying federal judges.
     Last week, HW Bush appointee Rudolph Randa, who looks like a Hollywood mob lawyer, issued a remarkable ruling regarding the Wisconsin Club For Growth and their shady role in electing, and re-electing Scott Walker in 2012's recall in what is now known as the John Doe case. Randa was somehow able to rule on a case that was still being adjudicated in state court. Randa had ordered the probe on Walker and the WCFG be stopped and all the evidence obtained by prosecutors be destroyed. This was immediately halted by the 7th Circuit that's had to step in many, many times to reverse Randa's prior pro-Republican decisions.
     But the most remarkable thing about Randa's ruling was this little nugget: "(The WCFG) found a way to circumvent campaign finance laws, and that circumvention should not and cannot be condemned or restricted. Instead, it should be recognized as promoting political speech, an activity that is ingrained in our culture."
     Yes, you heard him: Campaign finance corruption is free speech, according to the equally corrupt Supreme Court and their recent McCutcheon vs the FEC ruling. This left legal scholars scratching their heads and asking questions. Here's another one: Did Judge Rudy have a conflict of interest in the case that he chose to ignore, considering his clerk is married to a top lawyer in the Walker administration?

5) Karl Rove

     Talk about the pot calling the tea cup black.
     Karl Rove went on national television a few days ago and kicked off his latest whisper campaign by suggesting that Hillary Clinton is brain damaged as a result of her fall a year and a half ago. It's no coincidence that former Secretary Clinton (who currently holds no office, has announced no further political ambitions and wields no official power) is being made the focus of Benghazi as momentum builds for a 2016 presidential run.
     Of course, the impugning of Mrs. Clinton's mental faculties, which are as sharp as ever, come from a guy who had a legendary meltdown on Election Night 2012 and hoarsely screamed we needed to hear from Ohio, thought a brain transplant candidate like George W. Bush would make a great president, outed a secret agent at the peril of national security and bugged his own office to smear a Democratic gubernatorial incumbent.
     Coming up after the break...

4) Allen West

     Lord only knows why and how Allen West still finds himself on TV and in the news. Voted out by even the mouth-breathers of Florida's 22nd District after just one term, West comes off as looking and sounding like the kid who wasn't picked for sides for a kickball game and continues harassing the other team from behind the fence. Last Monday in his blog, West accused the Obama administration of meddling in the Boko Haram kidnapping of nearly 300 Nigerian girls so they could distract from... all together now... Benghazi!

     Because we all know the Republican Party would never stoop so low as to use Benghazi for their own ends to in turn distract from the painfully obvious facts that their 113th Congress needlessly shut down the government last fall, costing us tens of billions, nearly ruined our bond rating, tried and failed over 50 times to repeal Obama Care, proposed let alone passed not one jobs bill and, oh yeah, cut embassy funding by nearly $400,000,000, which made the Benghazi attack possible.

3) Rush Limbaugh & the Mighty Right Wing Wurlitzer

     If Africans or African Americans and black people make the news, you can be sure that Rush Limbaugh will weigh in as surely as a string of greasy farts follows a Tex-Mex dinner. And no sooner than the Nigerian schoolgirls getting kidnapped by Boko Haram made the international news, el Rushbo immediately sneered at the president's commitment to help get the girls back and at former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for not designating them as a terrorist organization (a nonfact immediately parroted by Fox "News"). Said Limbaugh in a fit of hilarious projection,

“We can’t call them terrorists because they look like African-Americans, and we just can’t go there. Nobody will ever convince me that that’s why they didn’t call this group a terror group. Just can’t do it. Just can’t go there because the left doesn’t go any deeper than skin when identifying people.”

     In point of fact, Secretary Clinton did name three leaders of Boko Haram as terrorists but not the organization because they did not pose a threat to US interests any more than they do now. But, more than a year after Clinton left Foggy Bottom, this is retroactively her fault (just as Katrina, according to most Republicans in LA, is Obama's and not Bush's fault). Says the Christian Science Monitor, "The Clinton State Department did add three Boko Haram leaders to the US list of individual terrorists, including Abubakar Shekau."

     As John Adams once said, "Facts are stubborn things" and you can always count on the racist, misogynistic right wing to be even more stubborn to admit to them.

2) Ehud Olmert 

     The former Israeli Prime Minister and boastful architect of Bush's foreign policy recently got sentenced to six years in prison and, in the process, just perpetuated a Semitic stereotype one bag of money at a time. So, what did Olmert do?

     Oh, nothing much, except to accept bags o' cash in a real estate scam named "Holyland" that went down when he was still mayor of Jerusalem (not to be confused with the corruption charges that dogged him when he was Prime Minister of Israel six years ago).

     This is really a shame, too, since Israel is ranked a lofty 36th out of 177 on the international corruption scale, a much-coveted ranking that'll no doubt sink like a mob hit in the East River considering all the Israeli politicians who have already gone down or will go down for bribery, rape and other crimes.

1) The House GOP

      As proof that the Republican Party's actual agenda is as empty as its collective soul, John Boehner announced a select committee on Benghazi while packing it with lawyers from his own party to give the appearance this is a serious investigation and not a partisan exercise. Because, as we all know, nothing could be less partisan than white, southern Republican lawyers going after a black president.
      To add a special Theater of the Absurd feel to it, Boehner, for some unknown reason, named Trey Gowdy (R-Super Cuts) as chairman. And the day after being named ring master of this newest sorry-ass clown show, Gowdy went on Morning Joe and spoke as if he was taking President Obama to court on criminal charges instead of heading a select committee investigation.
     Oh no, the GOP isn't delusional at all, folks. How can you say that of a party that's shedding more crocodile tears over four dead in Benghazi than the 4400+ dead from the Iraq War and the nearly 3000 that were killed on 9/11 over another intelligence failure?

Dishonorable mention: Dr. Gordon Klingenschmitt
     Apparently, "Chaps" is still living in 1942 because he's afraid the Godlessness of California that's supposedly taken away all their guns will tempt the Japanese into attacking that state. No, seriously, he said that. Also in his radio address, he asked that the person who stole his Glenn Miller and Andrew Sisters 78s to bring them back.

(Editor's note: I hope you enjoyed reading this feature as much as I'd enjoyed writing it these past two days. If you could see your way clear to helping out Mrs. JP and me, we'd deeply appreciate it, as June is looking grimmer and scarier by the minute.)