You Take Greenland, I'll Take Staten Isle

 (By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

Doing movie reviews is not my forte. After all, I've only essayed one in my long history with this liberal sewer of a blog. But every once in a great while, a shockingly brilliant movie will come down the pike (I'm thinking of 2000 Mules and Hillbilly Elegy) that will just scream to be reviewed by everybody. So what made me put on my Rex Reed cap?

    Melania: the Movie, of course, the film that dares ask, "What will Eurotrash put up with for a life of glamor and ridicule?"

    We just had the film's premiere here in Nuuk, the bustling metropolis and capital of Greenland (soon to be renamed Trumpville or DonaldBurg). We'd had a special tent set up by some of the locals that served as a makeshift movie theater, which actually had a concession stand that sold whale blubber and lutefisk, which is actually almost edible if you bang your head on a hard surface and sever the olfactory nerve.

    Anyway, once the film began, it was obvious the last few stragglers would have almost filled the back row of wooden chairs that were set up. My Danish counterpart, the Three Card Monte dealer from Aarhus, provided a steady stream of ribald jokes in some sort of Scandinavian version of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

    Despite my counterpart's uncharitable retitling of the movie (Gold Digger: The Girl With the Pyrite Touch), this comeback movie by sexual adventurer Brett Ratner more than deserves a fair hearing at least before it will get savaged by the liberal eggheads over at Rotten Tomatoes.

     And, in his defense, it was difficult for Mr. Ratner to film the First Lady exiting a tower or mansion, into a waiting limousine and onto a private plane over and over and over without it looking repetitive yet somehow he succeeded in doing so 37 times.

    Just based on her ability to shun those not in the 1% and running away from them over the film's hour and 48 minutes I think qualifies it as an action movie. Think of it as Rush Hour only with First Lady Melania Trump being the only one on the highway and getting nothing but green lights. Honestly, the First Lady's ceaseless efforts to avoid that rabble led me to conclude that the $27,000,000 she pocketed wasn't nearly enough.

     

    In fact, here's a production still that, incredibly, didn't make it in the actual movie. It was a deleted scene that, hopefully, will be in the Special Features section of the DVD (that will be out by tomorrow) in which Melania catches sight of some of those bottom-feeding well-wishers who actually got within a quarter mile of her and at 30,000 feet, too!

     

     Of course, everyone's a critic and my kid brother Cecil began grousing midway through the movie about the near total lack of scenes with a preteen Barron Trump (although one hilarious scene showed Barron with his father and the future president asking him what his name was, which made the kid cry).

      

    My baby girl, Bertha, wasn't very enchanted, either, and hoped that the First Lady would have at least one scene dressed in a flannel checkered shirt and snow pants, the preferred costume for Lady Ice Road Truckers of Alaska.

    Still, the trick to being pleased by a movie made by professionals and executives currying favor with a disturbingly generous administration is to walk in without any preconceived notions or high expectations and Melania: A New Movie certainly didn't disappoint. In fact, the final scene brought tears to my eyes.

     In a brilliant nod to Home Alone II, there was an unscripted moment in which Melania is walking into Trump Tower wearing a black leather trench coat embossed with the words, "I Still Don't Give Flying Fuck. Do You?" A little Puerto Rican boy asks her for directions and Melania then points the unwitting little wetback into a pack of waiting ICE agents. The tears were those of laughter, let me assure you.

 

      By the way, I don't know who the comedian is, but some Greenlandic wag pinned this to the outside of the tent and believe you me, the president will find out who did it and will send ICE to Greenland as soon as he can figure out where to deport them to.