Greenland Discovers Bad Bunny

 

(By Cyril Bubberpuss, Conservative-American) 

Say what you want about our president but one thing is undeniable- He is a man of strong principles and beliefs. During the Super Bowl halftime show yesterday, the president called me on my satellite phone to grouse. He kept calling Bad Bunny "a fake American," a phrase he got from his good friend, Jake Paul, who himself is a proud resident of Puerto Rico in a valiant ongoing attempt to keep the liberal Democrats from stealing his money through taxes.

     Try as I had to remind the president that Puerto Rico is a US territory, thereby making Bad Bunny an American, the president wouldn't hear it. "That's your opinion, Cyril," he said before making some off-color remarks about his female dancers.

     We may be in Greenland, a vast island of 57,000 Eskimos, but that doesn't mean we can't still cling to our American roots. So we huddled together in what passes for Nuuk's only sports bar, where wages are made every day on dog sled races. So, while we watched the New England Patriots act like the practice squad for the Seattle Seahawks, I girded myself for the halftime show that we in MAGA World have dreaded for months.

 

     Finally, the ordeal began, which Cecil seemed to welcome after 90 minutes of griping about why the NFL cheerleaders couldn't be junior high-aged boys. It was the longest 13 minutes of my life and felt like 15. I couldn't understand a word he said. When Ricky Martin took the stage, I thought he'd offer some much-needed translation but, alas, we were disappointed. 

 

    My baby girl, Bertha, seemed pleased with the show as she frequently said, "Yeah, baby, shake that moneymaker", even though I realized she was looking at Bad Bunny's female dancers about whom the president was making off-color remarks ("Look at that little one. That's the kind Jeffrey used to go for.").

 

     But I always distrusted Bad Bunny and that stage name that reminds me of Donnie Darko. It used to give Cecil nightmares when he was a teenager growing up and he's always had a fear of rabbits ever since.

     But Mr. Bunny did get 135,000,000 viewers to watch him, numbers even the ratings-obsessed Mr. Trump can't disparage, no doubt mostly from those who tuned in out of some morbid fascination over someone who speaks a language that isn't American. But, being the good American that I am, I dutifully logged on to X to watch the patriotic alternative: Turning Point USA's Halftime show headlined by Kid Rock.

     Unfortunately, that Hall of Fame of Hasbeens couldn't be shown on X on account of licensing issues. Not to be deterred, I went to Youtube, where a whopping 5,000,000 tuned in to watch the exciting spectacle of Bob Richie tell people to dust off their Bibles. I'm telling you, people, that's as exciting as it gets.

    While I was on the phone with the president, I heard partygoers at Mar a Lago  and I heard Bad Bunny's show playing in the background. I wondered why the president wasn't tuning to the real halftime show. The president offered a succinct answer:

      "What about Bob?"