Cyril Does Dallas!

 

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American.)

Well, I'm finally back from my important trade mission in Greenland, one that was hastened not only by the president's brilliant about-face but also because of news the Danish military had mined the one runway at the airport in Nuuk. 

     But, never one to be called a mossback, I sprang right back into action and took an 18 hour red eye flight to Dallas, Texas so I could attend CPAC 2026! This is the first one the president hasn't attended since coming down that escalator in 2015 so I'm acting as his official envoy and representative. And, as always, CPAC always offers the usual conservative Illuminati of people just past their relevance.

 

    In fact, just moments ago, I had a brief conversation with Greg Bovino, the always over-achieving former Border Patrol Commander. Greg was sporting some seriously snazzy foot gear that brought up his height to an imposing 5'4". Commander Bovino revealed to me his impressive plan to deport 100,000,000 people from our shores.

    "Commander," I asked, "Are you sure that's feasible considering we haven't even deported 400,000 after over 14 months? Plus, wouldn't that involve deporting at least 86,000,000 Americans?"

     Commander Bovino just snarled something about "coastal liberal elites" and unsteadily clomped off, arms outstretched. Godspeed, Greg. We patriots wish you luck.

   As always, there are intellectually stimulating panels such as, "Hitler: Brilliant Leader or Misunderstood Genius?" and "Airports: Who Needs Them?" One such panel was headed by the always lovely Mercedes Schlapp, "Let's Admit It: Air Traffic Controllers Are Overrated". As she spoke to a TSA official, Mercedes struggled with a short leash barely restraining her husband, Matt, as he was on all fours and ogled young male aides with a wild gleam in his eye. I always admired Matt for his youthful spirit.

     Unfortunately, it seems not everyone got the memo that I'm the president's official representative. He put out a post on Truth Social that I'd be arriving. He wrote, "Attention: Cyril Blubberpuss will be my official representative at the Great CPAC in Dallas, a city that I won by A LOT three times in a row and achieved greatness by hosting radical liberal Democrat John F. Kennedy's assassination in 1963. Cyril is a great patriot and, unlike me, is fat and bald and looks like someone out of an anti-homosexual junior high training film from the 60s. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DJT!"

      The one big difference that I've noted from last year's CPAC is an enthusiasm gap. Last year, after the president's stunning comeback, in which there were cattle prods in elevators galore, this year there's a lot of doom and gloom about this year's midterms. I spoke with a young man who was breathing into a paper bag and asked him if he was alright.

     "I didn't vote for this in 2024. I wanted the country to be a lot whiter. I expected the middle class to get wiped out. Instead, I waited in a TSA checkpoint for 35 hours!"

     He then said he was committing suicide after the midterms.