Short Man Syndrome is Back With a Vengeance!

 (By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

Well, I've finally hit the big time. I've just been named by future president Greg Bovino as his 2028 campaign manager! Granted, the learning curve is high as I've never run a campaign at any level, much less a major presidential campaign. But that didn't stop Roy Cohn, who doubled as both Joe McCarthy's legal counsel and as my father Ambrose's campaign manager when he successfully ran for Congress in 1952. 

     Admittedly, that was kind of an uneasy alliance as Cohn set father's teeth on edge by occasionally showing up at campaign strategy meetings wearing nothing but a short bathrobe and followed by several young, effeminate men speaking with lisps. During his illustrious quarter term in Congress, father would say Cohn was "squishy but the little cocksucker gets the job done."

      The first order of business is organizing and coordinating fundraisers. This requires reaching out to groups with colorful red and black flags and featuring very passionate young men with affected German accents. One of those groups is Patriot Front, an up and coming organization of other young, passionate men who huddle closely together in U-Haul trucks so they can march together in khaki cargo pants only to get chased out by soccer moms and paraplegic retirees.

      It's brilliant branding and no doubt they will give the Bovino campaign their valuable marketing insight. For now, our national campaign headquarters is in the basement of the Fourth Reich Army Surplus store in El Centro, California where Commander Bovino buys his entire wardrobe. In fact, we just cleared out the German munitions locker and are temporarily repurposing it as a phone bank so we can cold call patriots.

 

     My kid brother Cecil is also on board with Bovino's campaign or at least he was until yesterday. Cecil volunteered to man the phone banks until we started getting irate calls from angry parents complaining that a strange man was calling them up and asking their prepubescent sons if they had boyfriends. The way I look at it, Cecil was doing his job in being ever-vigilant against the homosexual agenda. God knows we don't need that element in our campaign. Cecil's entreaties to be reassigned to an authority position over the Bovino Youth League (nicknamed the "Tender Age Commanders") fell on deaf ears.

     It doesn't surprise me that many of our initial donations are coming in from Europe, such as from the AfD in Germany as well as from Italy and Argentina. This, to me, is proof positive that Commandeer Bovino's appeal is rapidly spreading across national borders and is becoming a movement.

      We've also started sending out fundraising emails in which campaign contributors are classed in tiers according to the size of their donations. Those donating $5-$25 are called Bunker Dwellers, $26-$50 gets you Rat Liner status and those contributing $51 and up will earn you the coveted ICE King designation. Let's see Elon Musk and Peter Thiel turn that down!

     Our organization and campaign is small and nascent so there's nowhere to look but up, which is a common position for Commander Bovino. But, mark my words, the day will come when President Bovino draws himself up to his full height and looks other world leaders square in the belt buckle and show them who's boss!