Ordinarily...
...I'd be writing up a storm. AIG is paying its top executives $165,000,000 in bonuses, Cheney's saying that Obama's detention policy is endangering America. And there's Will Ferrell's You're Welcome, America one man show about George W. Bush. Ordinarily, I'd be writing about these things on my day off.
But I can't while being myself. In fact, I don't even know what or who I am, anymore or what and who I'm supposed to be. I'm filled with fear verging on wide-eyed panic, filled with hurt, sadness, anger. I can hardly stop sobbing out loud. No positive emotion can possibly get in or out. Even Will Ferrell can't make me laugh.
I looked at a place about a mile and a half from my job today (Ingrid's mother took me before taking Ingrid back to her house). Like yesterday's condo, it's in the basement, costs $165 a week and not a stick of furniture. There's a full kitchen down there but to gain access to it, I'd have to pay extra. The 69 year-old guy renting it could see how sad and broken down I am. He's a kitchen cabinet finisher and is dying of emphysema. I looked at him, watched him wheeze and got more depressed than ever. I looked at him and saw my future- Living alone, gasping for breath after climbing even one flight of stairs and looking at living in a senior center.
I cannot and will not move into a dark, bare room and pay $660 a month to sleep on someone's floor. I already looked at a rooming house two Saturdays ago and the sad Greek guy told me the smallest room, also w/o furniture, started at $600 a month.
I have no options at this point and the clock is ticking louder and louder. When I told Ingrid about the condo falling through, she was completely unmoved. Her apathy to my plight and unwillingness to bend and give me more time enraged me and we got into a yelling match. She threatened to kick me out even sooner than the 25th. When I informed her that was the day before pay day, she gave me one extra day.
After all the sacrifices I made for this family, this is the only concession I can get. Even when I was in the Navy, I was never this terrified. She just doesn't understand that I'm losing everyone and everything, my home, my family, my purpose and identity, my very reason for living.
She cannot reasonably equate what she's doing to me with what she'll experience. She continues playing loud music on her computer and dancing in her chair while saying this will be hard on her. She's not getting thrown out of her home, out of her family. She has to wean herself from only one person she cannot even stand the sight of.
I'm losing everyone, starting with her and my grandson. The family will not support me. No one out there wants to help me. I'm too poor, too old, too this, too that.
My mistake was in openly bragging about getting this condo. That's where I went wrong. Even as I was bragging about what I'd have, I could hear the other shoe whistling through the air, about to drop. I don't even believe that story about the sister coming up from Arizona. It doesn't matter anymore.
What matters is I have no solid leads and nowhere to go, no one to help me. Does that sound like whining? Maybe, to some who are infinitely better off and can afford to scoff at someone's misery, can afford to say, "Buck up, old chum, you'll be OK. Things will look up."
Well, things have 11 days to start looking up and I'm getting no indication that the world will get any kinder, any fairer or any more helpful. On the way back from Emphysema Guy's home, I walked to downtown and tried to get into the Unitarian church where I'd taken those pictures a year ago of their flag display. The front doors were locked. This is the state of the world: I couldn't get into a church on a Sunday less than two hours after their Sunday services to ask for help.
And I know if I made the ultimate capitulation, got down on my hands and knees and begged her with tears streaming down my cheeks it wouldn't earn me even another day much less a last chance. I am not worthy of pity, mercy, support, love or cooperation. The world only cares about what little I can give in the way of money.
It's always been that way but now it's even hard core than ever. Somewhere between that old dying guy's house and the church is a local cemetery. It's the oldest one in town and you never see anyone there ever because no one alive today remembers those who are buried there. Once in a while, you'll see a flag next to a chipped or tilting headstone here and there but never any mourners.
I saw what lay in store for me even beyond Emphysema Guy. A neglected headstone next to a highway, without anyone caring enough to even right it.
posted by jurassicpork @ Sunday, March 15, 2009
30 comments
30 Comments:
You've been together long enough to be married under Common Law.
Put a PayPal donate button on your site.
Email me if there's anything I can do to help you from Vermont.
There's no common law marriage in MA.
put the paypal donation button up anyway. try to stay alive long enough for me to get my irs refund. you really should think about leaving mass. you are still too close to what is hurting you.
When you care for someone so much that you let them manipulate and destroy you, you’re not a victim, you are an addict. As painful as it is, you have to accept that she just doesn’t care about you. She will destroy you if you let her. It’s time for you to gather all your personal power and live the impeccable life you are capable of. Have a little faith in yourself. I’ve been in your shoes, and I’ve been in hers, neither is easy. Do what you need to do to survive, and accept the fact that she hates your guts. No matter what happens to you, stop begging and demeaning yourself. All I know is I would live under a bridge before I would grovel at the feet of any woman that wanted me to leave. Hold on to your self-respect, you’ll need it on the way back up.
I wish you good luck.
Snap out of it! Success is the best revenge!
Being with 'me' has been a fantastic adventure this last 4 years... and I've come out of it stronger and more centered. I also walked away from an unhappy marriage with few resources, many responsibilities.
Rent a movie called 'Craigs List,' it's very funny, although badly made. Then go out there and see how much free stuff you can get on CL to make your new home cozy.
The sick guy you're focusing on is simply not well. A good reminder to take care of your own health. Cut back on the things that dull your mind and cause depression: smoking, alcohol, sugar, fast foods and acidic foods. Learn how to cook simple clean meals. Focus on positive people in your new neighborhood! Isn't there a coffee shop you can go sit in for an hour a day and have a peaceful cup of tea... and talk young people about their efforts to build sustainable communities instead of politics?
The world is full of wonderful interesting creative funny happy people. Go out there and meet some of them. Volunteer at a local farm in exchange for food. Set up a 'Time Banking' cooperative in your new area to help your new neighbors. Reinvent yourself!
This blog is awesome, but try a new prism. The world can be wonderful if you look for the good things. If we're going to make it through these difficult times, we'll need to learn to build new communities of support.
Let the past go. Stop replaying unhappy movies and conversations in your head and focus on long slow peaceful breaths. Do what you can to still your mind.
You can do this.
"She just doesn't understand that I'm losing everyone" (erratum): "She just doesn't CARE."
Anon. gave some good advice. There are wonderful people out there who will uplift you. You are a wonderful writer. Network. Get some freelance work on "elance". Surpass this individual.
"Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter"
There are wonderful people out there who will uplift you.
The problem with that, Lisa, is that they're nowhere to be found in the meat world, which is where I need them. Ghosts in the machine, no matter how well-meaning, do me no good. I need housing. I need love. I need to get laid!!!
But mostly housing. And so far, the best offer I've gotten is from Bukko. In Australia. Yes, you heard me right. That's how limited my options are.
You should read the emails I'm getting from her from Newton, MA tonight, telling me about how much she's hurt, how much she's crying.
She doesn't know what the fuck pain and terror is.
JP,
You do need a woman, and the basic things you've laid (ahem) out.
Re. this tripe: "telling me about how much she's hurt, how much she's crying" -- if I didn't think you sincere, I would swear you are writing a Gothic novel. This is high drama, and vicious, with little, pointy stiletto knives drama.
You must STOP contact with the witchy b*tch. NOW!!!! Just become unavailable. As in, live in a shelter if you must, but do not be available. Do not.
Sorry, m'dear, but you've been played by a real b*tch. Truth: you'll be out of whack -- no good for another -- for at least a year. Right now, you must get away. Peace Corps (they take through age 65), whatever.
If you simply need a landing place, write me on my email.
Stay away from Australia! One must nail/screw all furniture to the floor and your cd collection will never stack upwards vertically.
You know, sometimes I wonder if everyone in the world is playing a game. I am always shocked when I hear men behaving as foolishly as women.
When you decided to shack up with the women, she'd already had kids by different men. That is a hard row to hoe, being a single mother. It is good to have a partner around to help out.
This is the clearest commodities transaction there is: you got something, so did she. You were friends with benefits, but now you feel like a friend without benefits. Really, you are not even a friend.
You remind me of an acquaintance who "dated a woman for 7 years," but says he really misses her son. Well of course, he took the little guy out on his boat, got the approving smiles of passers by who thought it was his kid, but it was not. He never changed the diapers, etc. There was nothing legal.
You did not adopt the children. They are not yours, just a part of the living together scenario. One can hop off from that at any time. She is hopping off, but delighting in twisting the thumbscrews on you. You have wasted the better part of a decade for her! She has gotten wrinkles! She doesn't like you, and must begin again. As must you.
But like Billy Joel's "Always A Women," she is not above doing what she has always done: steal like a thief. Like Scarlet O'Hara, she relies upon the kindness of strangers. So be it -- she conducts her business, and you play the reviled fool for as long as you wish. perhaps you are a masochist.
50 is young, though I know a man who is still not right 25 years later. Maybe he never was. Were you? Tough questions.
Maybe we need to take our own feild trip and teach this bitch a lesson. You've given us enough information to go on, we can find her. One thing I really hate is a woman screwing a man to the wall like this. She's never done anything for you and you have been her and her ungreatful brood's sole support for the last 15 years. Now shes going to sit back on her haunches and let the government or some other poor unsuspecting slob pick up the slack that you'll be leaving. Just wait until the next faucet starts leaking and see who she calls then.
OMFG, stop it, Stop It, STOP IT! Stop calling her a bitch and enough with the talk about field trips. That's what Hal fucking Turner calls them, for crissake.
She's got a good job and isn't on welfare.
I'm not writing about this or her ever again. I have a better story. I just have to see how it pans out.
From some of the comments...
I feel as if I'm standing in a club between two women with the exact same outfit on.
You should read the emails I'm getting from her from Newton, MA tonight, telling me about how much she's hurt, how much she's crying.
She doesn't know what the fuck pain and terror is.
You are horrible if you think this isn't killing her. Yes its hard for you but it is equally as hard for her. she doesn't know what pain is? You have no idea what she has gone through to hang on to any little shred of a relationship you had left... that was over a long time ago. You know she is a wonderful person. She has never done a single thing to hurt anyone. If you really loved her you would know this. You are just proving everyone right by saying she is a nasty person.
And you ppl saying you are going to pay her a visit.. bite your lip! You have no idea what kind of woman she is. You have heard one side of the story. That woman is heaven sent. None of you could ever be as good of a person as she is.
Yep! Want me to post it on every blog you've written in last month? I just wanted to be positive that you would see it.
How about coming out and telling all of us who you really are instead of posting anonymously?
I know everything rings trite right now- to say the very least. And I won't pretend to have any answers, but at least consider taking the pennies you still have, move out of town and get a job with a non profit that deals with other people who also find themselves down and out (not hard to find these days). Do the research on the net while you still got time. You got too much to offer to (eg- insight, organizational skills, etc) that others can benefit by- including yourself. One thing I do know getting involved with other people (and their problems) can help get your mind off yours, and getting out of the physical area that caused all your pain can also be quite therapeutic. I know, I know, you got into this mess getting involved with other people in the first place. I'm talking about helping and sharing on a "professional" basis.
I understand in your frame of mind (I'm the guy who got the busy signal when I called suicide prevention) this may all sound like another bag of shit tossed your way- but if you won't open your mind to something new, you're smart enough to know what the results will be.
Can you actually get paid to work for a non-profit agency? I never knew that.
I guess you can, because my friend Lisa Golden used to be an executive with one until last year some time.
I currently work for one, you make peanuts working in the field, but it can be rewarding- and you can eventually move up to the exec level and make a few more. And there's always teaching (did it for 17 yrs), even in these times, they're always hurting for 'em somewhere (there are online sites that post teaching jobs nationwide)- and you can study for the degree as you work (that's a good chunk of time devoted to getting your mind off things right there)..
These aint glam jobs or perfect solutions for sure, but they're definitely worthy of consideration...
So, what do you do for this non-profit, Stan, and do you generally need the same level of skills as in the private sector?
For the past four years I've been working with developmentally disabled adults, not a glamour job to be sure. I job coach, help them with their socialization skills and personal needs- it all depends on their individual level of function, which can vary widely according to individual.
I got into it after telling my supervisor where to go when I was teaching in a new district in which I wasn't tenured. I liked working with the kids- it was some of the petty minded adults I couldn't handle in the school system. And after working for 17 yrs in inner city schools on both coasts, I wanted to make a clean break. But there are paraprofessional positions in Special Ed that you may want to check out as well- their salaries are comparable to what I currently make. There are also positions working with the homeless you may want to check out.
I've found that if you work long enough, at say a non profit such as mine, you'll eventually be offered an office position since not many people stay very long and you'll have gained the necessary experience in a couple of years. Me, I'm just not the desk type.
I hope some of this will be of help, and if not, at least will get you to thinking about different possibilities to which you may well be better suited. It aint my life to live, but I'd want to make a clean start at a comfortable distance from said disaster. Comes a time when one must realize that when all is said and done the parrot is, in fact, dead and it's time to move on. I aint sayin it's easy...
Jeez, jp. It's terrible when you learn people you care about are in a bad way but I'm glad you've chosen to share your plight.
I hope things turn around for you soon and the support you get from your friends, whether financial or emotional, is enough to get you through the rough patches.
Boy, I hope you're in the right state to consider this. I once felt as you do, and the mess I had made of my life was seemingly beyond repair.
A friend of mine who knew me to be a life-long agnostic (bordering on atheist) advised me to ask God for help. I thought it was ridiculous, and my prayer went something like this: "God, if you are real, and you care about me, I could use your help."
I felt silly, like I was talking to myself. I wasn't. The ever-upward trajectory my life took from that moment on is undeniable. What have you go to lose, besides your pride? No one but you (and He) even needs to know you did it.
PLEASE TRUST ME ON THIS. I am sure you have countless logical arguments for why either (a) God doesn't exist, or (b) if He does exist, He doesn't seem too interested in humanity (else how does one explain the cluster$#*@ that we seem to be experiencing). But He does, and He is. Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened. Take a chance, JP.
I have been reading you for a couple years now, and your style is infectious. You have a populist streak a mile-wide, a la Molly Ivins or Jim Hightower. What I don't sense is any hope. You can get that back.
A little Love from above works wonders.
Believe.
mailto:pdxgm3@yahoo.com
I've been to the Unitarian Church here in town.
Their doors were locked to me both times, including the first time, Sunday.
you don't have to do the church thing to deal with God. i believe in Him, just not organized religion. just keep it between yourselves. everyone here wants you to succeed. best of luck to you. i'm sorry i don't know anyone in Mass. to refer you to. i still think you should leave there unless you can get some local support.
Maybe try calling the church. Maybe go when they have services. Maybe try another church. Do you really think a church should remain unlocked 24 hours a day just so anyone can wander in when they feel like it?
I'm an atheist but I've been to Unitarian churches....they're the most welcoming, non-judgmental places on the planet.
If you're not interested in hooking up with a church just say so but don't blame the Unitarians. Nothing will come to you unless you are open to it.
I'm not blaming anyone for anything. I just think it's ironic, is all.
I've been to the local UU's website. I was already considering calling or writing one of the pastors.
Just in case jp-
http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=USA
I noticed your comment at Hullabaloo, and then came over here to catch up on your posts.
You have inspired me to give up blogging, and never touch the computer when my wife is home. No more sitting there cackling into the screen while my wife looks on and wonders "Who is this ridiculous homunculus, this spineless invertebrate, I married?
One thing I'm sure of; you will do much better through this break-up than I would. Please don't punish yourself!
A bit late to the party here because I've been on a holiday snorkeling on the West Coast coral reef, but I must respond to the anonymous comment about furniture in Oz. What he/she/it said only applies to furniture from America and other places in the Northern Hemisphere. Furniture crafted locally sticks to the floor just fine. And the Southern Hemisphere negative gravitational forces are so weak that most northern furniture lighter than a couch will adhere to the ground with Velcro. I hate it when people talk about Australia like they know it when they have NO understanding.
Unfortunately, we brought so much stuff down with us that we had to buy two dozen pairs of kids' sneakers to get enough material to do all our chairs and the bed. For some reason, stores down here just never caught on to the idea of selling Velcro as is...
And JP, you'd be no trouble as a guest compared to some of my wife's Deadhead friends. You're not a cabinet-maker or someone with skills to work in mines, are you? They get immigration preference.
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