Open Letter to Paul Shirley

Dear Paul:

First of all, thank you for single-handedly lowering the intelligence and compassion quotient of one of the greatest nations on earth with your last screed for ESPN. Many have tried and all have failed and that includes other mighty conservative luminaries such as Rush Limbaugh, Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Melanie Morgan, Sean Hannity, etc. And still, America had stubbornly retained its literacy and basic liberal bleeding heart goodliness.

Secondly, as you prepare to join tens of millions of other Americans on the unemployment line, in the future please refrain from straying anywhere near anything that can be perverted as a writing implement to express your thoughts. I mean, of course, pens, pencils, computer keyboards, lumps of coal, magnetic poetry, Bic lighters, your own feces smeared against a white wall, et. al. It's really for your own protection.

Thirdly, please refrain in the future from trying to lecture any nation about its own history no matter how poor they are. As it is, you are no more knowledgeable and hardly more human than Neal "Mighty Whitey" Boortz and other right wing psychopaths when he inveighed on the evils of the poor darkies of New Orleans who had the unmitigated gall and the effrontery to embarrass our fictitious president with their deaths and displacements as he licked cake frosting off his thumb and strummed a guitar.

Sure, in our country being indigent is a crime regardless of the economic winds of change but Haiti does have special, extenuating circumstances. For instance, several succeeding presidential administrations of both parties propping up dictators like the Poppa Doc and Baby Doc so we could continue those splendiferous, plunderous trade policies that have kept Haitians in the most crippling poverty in the western hemisphere.

I know, I know, there is absolutely no excuse for being poor even after a 7.0 earthquake, even if it's the worst your nation has weathered in 270 years, completely flattens your home, your neighborhood, your city and the Presidential palace, airport, most of the hospitals and the UN headquarters. Appearances still must be kept up to imperialistic western airheads like you who was paid more money to shoot (and usually miss) one basket than most Haitians make in a decade.

But except for the occasional nurse's aide and Wyclef Jean CD bought by white bred psychopaths such as yourself, Haiti remained until January 12th the Land That the Rest of the World Forgot (like Myanmar or Tibet or North Dakota). And when the world forgets you exist, you just don't give a shit so you haven't a problem building a house out of plywood or cardboard or eating dirt. It's self esteem that's the issue here, Paul, so you can be forgiven for becoming, against all reasonable odds and expectations, an even more vicious prick than Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson combined.

Instead of getting shit canned as you were from so many NBA and European ball clubs (those damned liberal Europeans!), Haiti ought to be glad that you singled them out for notice and gave them a good old fashioned avuncular "Fuck You" with a giant, cybernetic foam finger. If nothing else, that will give them the strength to carry on and remove rubble off their loved ones' rotting corpses as the putrefaction fills the streets of Port-au-Prince.

Your humble and obedient servant,
Jurassicpork