Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Republicans: Never Too Stupid to be Crooked or Obscenely Lucky.

As with Queen Bee Sarah, the Christine O’Donnell saga never ceases to amaze. This time O’Donnell is the subject of a federal probe addressing allegations that she’s used campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. Naturally, I thought of O’Donnell’s impending book deal, so I thought I’d write another open letter to her scumbag literary agent Daniel Strone, CEO of the Trident Media Group.

Dear Danny boy:

Man, you sure know how to pick ‘em. First, you pick to represent someone who is surely the stupidest woman in America and possibly, next to Ayn Rand, the stupidest woman who ever lived. This is a person who doesn’t know the rudiments of the Constitution, beginning with the 1st Amendment of the Bill of Rights, got only 30,000 people to vote for her in the Delaware GOP Senate primary then got crushed by 17 points on Election Day.

Now she’s a subject of the liveliest interest by the federal government, including the FBI, for using “magic money”, or campaign contributions, to pay for personal expenses.

Danny boy, I never thought of you as being a bleeding heart liberal but I gotta hand it to you, reaching down and pulling Ms. O’Donnell out of her own muck and mire by personally getting for her a huge book deal, sight unseen, is the epitome of a bleeding heart bailout. To see a greater show of generosity, one would have to go back earlier this month to the Congressional Republicans when they bravely sought a third round of bailouts for the wealthiest 2%.

No doubt, the controversy swirling around Ms. O’Donnell as the feds close in on her for using her own campaign war chest as her personal ATM or sugar jar will surely drive up sales regardless of what will be ghost-written for her. Perhaps, if you’re really lucky, Danny boy, she’ll prove to be as controversial as other frauds who signed big book deals. I’m thinking specifically of the guy who faked Howard Hughes’ and Adolph Hitler’s memoirs. Maybe O’Donnell will oblige by titling her own biography “Going Rogue” or "America by Heart."

Indeed, Mr. Strone (do you have kids and, if so, are they ridiculed by their peers as “mini-strones”? Just curious), you could not have chosen to elevate from base criminality a better candidate for respectability than if you’d gone to mug shot websites and picked a crack whore or pickpocket or husband killer using the eenie meenie miney mo/dart-over-the-shoulder process obviously used by John McCain when he was still hunting for a running mate.

"Now, open that wallet, bitch! I got radio spots and 6 months of back rent to pay for!"

After all, look what Aileen Wuornos did for true crime nonfiction and the popcorn concession industry (aka the movie industry) when some hot blonde chick underwent a makeunder and played her. And O’Donnell could be the political analogue of the protagonist of Monster. Knowing Christine, who even lies about fingering her clit, she’ll use the same excuse that Wuornos used: “How was I to know that all that money given to me by all those horny men would wind up in the central accounts of my landlord, insurance companies and utility companies?”

Except now she’ll have a huge book contract, courtesy of you and St. Martin’s Press, surely the greatest blow to American literacy since Robert James Waller and Joe the fucking Plumber were signed. So you may have screwed the pooch there a bit.

Still, controversy sells books. Well, maybe not for OJ “If I Did It” Simpson but usually it sells. So who cares that I’m brilliant and talented and can actually write my own stuff? I deserve each and every one of the several dozens of form rejection letters and cold shoulders I’ve gotten, including some from your agency, in response to my hundreds of queries and proposals because I wasn’t smart enough to run for a national office for which I was vastly unqualified.

Because the more that I, and other writers of actual talent, circle around the rim of the toilet of the publishing/literary representation business, the more we realize that talent, diligence and obeying the rules and laws of the land doesn’t count for a dung hill. It’s flouting the laws, reaching beyond one’s grasp and being a shining, ignorant example that if you’re a Republican, you’re never too stupid to be crooked or obscenely lucky.

So when are you going to go out and get Tom “Dancing With the ‘Tards” DeLay and Duke Cunningham?

Robert Crawford, author of American Zen.


At December 29, 2010 at 6:45 PM, Anonymous Cynical as you said...

Dude, you should know by now that these "book contracts" are payoffs. They don't expect any real book sales. The "sales" are bulk buys by reich-wing organizations. It's apparently important to them to be able to say "Look at how many of our rightist fuckwits are high in the New York Times bestseller list!" The rich bastards essentially print their own money, via access to unlimited Federal Reserve funds channeled through investment banks, so what do they care if they burn through a couple million dollars? Chump change to them.

Actual people aren't reading those books. It's a pointless waste of paper and energy for something that's going to end up in the landfill. Another sign of a decadent nation. Decadent as in decay. But O'Diddle is getting her compensation for playing the game at being an inspiration to the right-tilting jackasses out there. She kept her mouth shut about the true nature of American political corruption, and will be a useful tool for riling up the idiots in the future. Same with Palin.

Don't get aggrieved that they have no talent, and you do. (In all honesty, you're a better political writer than you are novelist, IMO.) It's corruption, pure and simple. These literary agents are just bagmen in the dishonest political funhouse mirror game.

At December 29, 2010 at 8:18 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

"In all honesty, you're a better political writer than you are novelist, IMO."

No I'm not. Not by a long shot. How many of my novels have you read?

At December 30, 2010 at 3:48 PM, Anonymous Same guy as above said...

How many of my novels have you read?

I've read excerpts of several, and not just the latest one. "American Zen" in particular. They struck me as too wordy; too much exposition. My take is that you spend too much effort describing what's going on instead of letting it happen on the page. My preferences run to Elmore Leonard and Carl Hiassen.

I'm not saying you stink -- you're just not my cuppa java. Literature is a matter of personal taste like food is. Your anger -- you've got a lot of that -- rings true in your political commentary. You seem to be choking that back when you write in the Flanigan voice, and it hobbles you.

Anyway, writing novels and expecting them to be picked up on their merits is a thing of the past. Not that there's anything wrong with novels, but their time has gone. It's screenplays, "graphic novels" and other alternative forms that get contracts now. The people who get novels published and more importantly, promoted, are the already-established and the ones with connections. You're crying outside the door of a snotty club that will never let you past the door-bitch's rope.

At December 30, 2010 at 4:25 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

I think I handle exposition pretty well. In fact, I'm pretty thin-skinned about how clumsily most writers handle it, two in particular. Their names happen to be Stieg Larsson and Dean Koontz.

I don't know what's going through your mind but I think it's worth pointing out that you're almost literally comparing apples and oranges. You're comparing serious literature (or mere excerpts of it without the proper amount of context), something benefiting from months and even years of revision, vs off the cuff blog posts that I would never, ever think to put between covers.

The Flannigan voice is often (though not always, as his Afghanistan post months ago proves) restrained because Mike is me on a good day. But you can't deny the insightfulness of the Flannigan posts. Sometimes an ounce of that is worth a pound of snark.


I know what I know and I know for an absolute fact that I'm a far superior novelist than a blogger. Until now, I thought that would've been obvious to anyone and everyone. American Zen is far and away the best thing I've ever written, with high drama, great characterization and hilarious one-liners that are me as a blogger on a really, really good day. I elevate my game when I sit down to write fiction and I'm damned proud of it.

And I think you're robbing yourself of the chance to read a very good, even brilliant, novel that right now would only cost you $2.99. Sometimes, books, like many people, need more patience than others. Were it not for the hype, I never would've gotten past the first 100 pages of Stieg Larsson's first book but now I'm almost done reading the trilogy. Because he was worth the wait.

So am I, although I don't indulge in even 10% of the exposition that Larsson wallowed in. American Zen flies out of the gate.

At January 4, 2011 at 11:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"American Zen is far and away the best thing I've ever written, with high drama, great characterization and hilarious one-liners that are me as a blogger on a really, really good day. I elevate my game when I sit down to write fiction and I'm damned proud of it."

Wow! I can't see a single reason why that shouldn't be the main cover-blurb on the first-edition (in limp blue goatskin, gold-leaf lettering) of American Zen.
It really let's the reader know what he (or she, if she dares) is in for.

At January 4, 2011 at 11:52 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

When trying to poke fun at writers, at least learn how to punctuate properly.

Keeping things in context would also augur better for your case.


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