Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign

Yesterday, former pizza mogul Herman Cain announced at the opening of his new campaign headquarters in Atlanta that he was "suspending" his presidential campaign. Citing "prayer and soul-searching", the major reason is obviously the distraction from his campaign created by sexual harassment and adultery allegations. But there were other reasons Mr. Cain suspended his quixotic quest for the White House. What were they?

10) Couldn't tolerate the idea of another one-on-debate with Newt Gingrch, especially one moderated by Donald Trump. Even THE Herman Cain has standards, bitches.

9) Campaign was beginning to seriously cut into his texting and phone sex addiction.

8) Soul-searching turned up no results.

7) Newt Gingrich convinced him the election wasn't big enough to contain two egomaniacal serial adulterers from Georgia.

6) Mark Block announced on campaign blog he was considering quitting smoking.

5) Admitted he only wanted to show off really, really cool gold tie given to him last year for Christmas.

4) Admitted Secret Service would've cramped his smooth style.

3) After speaking with Mrs. Cain, was faced with the reality of making the transition from imaginary victim to very real one.

2) Wife wasn't too thrilled with her husband being the Charles Kuralt of the pizza business.

1) Campaign not really suspended. The head-shaking racists determined to look post-racial by supporting Cain are just seriously let down.