It Was a Good Life

Now that the Billy Mumy caucus has finally ended and the bad people have, alas, escaped the cornfield to metastasize across the nation, let's take stock of what we learned or should've learned last night from the Iowa Caucus.

An 8 vote victory for Mitt Romney (R,D,I- Utah, Massachusetts, whereever) in a caucus in which barely over 30,000 voters across all of Iowa turned out to vote for both him and Rick "All Black People Are on Welfare So I Don't Want to Help Them" Santorum, is not a victory. That's pretty much how many people voted for last year's Typhoid Mary of the publishing industry, Christine O'Donnell, in Delaware's Senate primary. In other words, if Mitt Romney's entire immediate family had turned on him, it would've been a virtual dead heat with a guy named after scatalogical leftover anal lube. So please let's stop proclaiming this a victory for Gov. Dog on Car over Sen. Man on Dog.

2nd, only half the Republicans who won this glorified popularity contest in Iowa went on to win the GOP presidential nomination, according to CBS. For those of you who needed a calculator during high school math, that comes out to 50/50, meaning that the networks and their sponsors could've saved a shitload of money and spared us the needless, misleading hype by simply televising a coin flip like they do before every NFL game.

3rd, despite conveniently forgetting that she now represents the 6th District in the Land of a Thousand Lakes and trumpeting her John Wayne/Gacy Iowa roots, Michele Bachmann couldn't muster better than a distant 6th with 5% of the vote. In fact, only 6,073 corn farmers could hold their nose long enough to vote for a hometown girl who thinks slaves were better under slavery than Obama and that the eight year-old John Quincy Adams was a Founding Father.

4th, Newt Gingrich is politically deader than Ronald Reagan, who still has vaster amounts of appeal than a guy who received $1.6 million from Freddie Mac as a lobbyist and would like to turn our schoolchildren into so many chimney sweeps. Since the Lizard King is now 65, that means he won't be able to run for President at age 69 unless every other Republican in the land is delivered their comeuppance and dies of septic shock after biting their forked tongues. Hopefully, after last night, we won't be seeing Newt on TV again except for the occasional Goldline or juicer infomercial on QVC, or the usual talking head gig on Sunday morning while Sean Hannity rests his massive chin in his hand in a pose of seriousness while Newt's hoarsely screaming about Sharia Law.

5th, when are we going to realize that straw polls right before a caucus, primary or election are more volatile than alcohol and seemingly inspired by it? In the months leading up to Iowa, every single GOP contender save for Jon Huntsman was, at some point, leading in at least some of the polls, including the Rick James of homemade politics, Herman Cain.

6th, the only way in which Iowa represents "real" America is in its fickleness, susceptibility to hype and general apathy. With over 99% of the polls reporting, only 122,255 Republican voters came out last night to vote for one Not Reagan or another. Iowa is a state with an estimated 3,062,309 people. Assuming about two thirds are of voting age, that leaves roughly 2,000,000 people. Assuming, generously, that only half of them lean Republican (although we all know the percentage is much higher), that leaves one million registered Republican voters. Yet Iowa saw just barely over 120,000 and no one candidate could capture more than a quarter of that vote.

That means both Romney and Santorum each garnered just 30,000 out of a potential 1,000,000+ Republican votes, or less than 3%. That's hardly a political bellwether of any type. And they're the big winners from last night.


7th, Maybe this meathead or your spiritual Godfather Adolph Hitler would agree but no, Ron, we are not all Austrians.

8th, All the rest, especially Rick Perry, are good for nothing but Letterman and Jon Stewart fun fodder. So, Rick, you can go back to Niggerhead and continue executing innocent people.

So please let's stop pretending that Iowa is America's crystal ball for deciding who the next president is. Neither Romney nor Santorum, literally, could get enough people to vote for them to fill Fenway Park even with the centerfield bleachers closed for a day game. The Iowa caucus is a joke just as every Republican contender is a joke.

Billy Mumy fucked up and the psychopaths have already fled the cornfields until the primaries this summer.