Blame Jack

     (Editor's note: Blame Jack the Ripper. Blame literary agent Philip Spitzer for being arrogant enough to think he can inform me through his flunky that I need to trim 100,000 words from my novel just to please him. Or you can blame me for my verbosity in drafting a quarter of a million word monstrosity last year. Either way, I'm fast running out of pages and I still have 20,000+ words to delete from my novel, and that's a compromise of 50,000 words. So please enjoy the most notorious examples of my alleged wit and wisdom from my last couple of weeks on Twitter.)

Joan Rivers to 2000 dead Palestinians: "Can we talk?"
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) September 5, 2014

The Republicans' only jobs plan simply involves keeping theirs on Election Day.
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) September 4, 2014

What executive twats don't understand is Twitter's biggest appeal is its honest chaos. Take that away, you have nada. http://t.co/CY62cRekX6
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) September 4, 2014

A reminder to the #RWNJs on Fox "News" smearing labor on Labor Day: Union workers put together your sound stage & your building. #Justsaying
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) September 2, 2014

Twitter & Facebook are the only things in life in which following & stalking someone carries with it an expectation of exact reciprocation.
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) September 1, 2014

You know you're a fanboy when Jennifer Lawrence trends, you click on it and are disappointed it's not about The Hunger Games 3.
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) September 1, 2014

Breaking: Ann Coulter's cell phone also hacked, nude pic released. #tcot #p2 #p21 #JenniferLawrence pic.twitter.com/MxFYQ9spPZ
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 31, 2014

Like the husband murdering his ex wife, the GOP's position on voting is, "If you won't vote for our party, you won't vote for ANYONE." #tcot
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 31, 2014

If elected president, Rick Perry will be the first one to meet with his donors during conjugal visits.
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 31, 2014

Voting #GOP every other year is like inviting the guy who's been burglarizing your house every night for the last 30 years to your wedding.
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 31, 2014

Michele Bachmann officially throws her hat in the ring. #tcot #p2 #p21 #LibCrib #Uniteblue pic.twitter.com/ifM1Iv521z
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 30, 2014

If it weren't for liberals & their food bank Rick Perry's Texas Air National Guardsmen would be dumpster diving. Think about that, #tcot.
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 30, 2014

You know the #Redsox have called it a season when Mike Napoli accidentally brings a nine iron to the batter's box.
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 30, 2014

I'll bet the folks who live at 1602 Pennsylvania Avenue and 12 Downing Street have some interesting stories to tell.
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 29, 2014

I wonder how long @BradThor's been writing under this pen name? pic.twitter.com/5eEyUrtfdb
— KindleintheWind (@KindleindaWind) August 27, 2014

I can unequivocally state I've never known anyone who owned anything from Dicker & Dicker of Beverly Hills or Broyhill Furniture. #gameshows
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 26, 2014

Michelle Malkin takes the #ALSIceBucketChallenge. pic.twitter.com/Eg6IXqhS5p
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 24, 2014

You gotta wonder if white racists still would've kicked in $300K through @GoFundMe if #DarrenWilson was also black? #MikeBrown #Ferguson
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) August 23, 2014