Sunday, June 17, 2018

A Modest Proposal

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)
To: pnovakovic@generaldynamics.com
From cblubberpuss@onepercent.com

Dear Ms. Phebe Novakovic:

     As a fellow One percenter and self-professed Trump Deplorable Zero, I am writing to you with a modest proposal (Not to be confused with an essay by another writer, some Jonathan Swiftboat or another, you know, the erotic author who wrote about bondage and talking horses).
     It has come to my attention that General Dynamics (whom my kid brother Cecil used to think was a DC super villain but more on him later) has received a massive contract through ICE and ORR. Understandably, you've been close mouthed about this contract, rightly giving the liberal twats at the Daily Beast the usual corporate runaround by sending them to the equally close mouthed Department of Health and Human Services.
     No doubt, kidnapping children from their helpless parents is an absolute necessity for national security and it is only by the happiest of coincidences that defense contractors such as your General Dynamics and the once disgraced MVM (which has benefited greatly from Uncle Sam's forgiving nature by being awarded $43,000,000 in contracts after being fired by the CIA) had gotten tens of millions of dollars in much-needed business since last September, several months before the Democrat Party in Congress thought of the idea of separating children from their parents at the borders.
     However, as much money as you're obviously making off of migrant separation, the Last Great American Frontier, I'm kept awake every night, haunted by the fear that you folks at General Dynamics (as well as Blackwater, Halliburton or any other trusted corporation with whom our government has dealt in good faith over the years, should they get in on the ground floor) may not be maximizing your money-making potential in this business arena. And these contracts come at a fortuitous time, since at the end of the trading day last Friday (I'm a titan in the financial sector), General Dynamics' shares lost 0.5% of their value and fell to $194.81 a share.
     You can do better than that. Allow me to elucidate by starting with a story about my kid brother Cecil:

     My father Ambrose (a good friend of Fred Trump and, later, Donald) and I were always worried about little Cecil. Like many children who came of privilege and wealth, for the first 30 or so years of his life, Cecil was an indolent sort. Rather than learning the finer points of tax evasion, union-busting and being the corporate titan our father was (and that I, too, would one day become), Cecil was always more interested in going to the local junior high schools' wrestling meets (from which he was eventually barred on account of a series of misunderstandings involving locker rooms). We tried buying him suits from Brooks Brothers so he'd look the part but he would just take them to seamstresses and have them put on lace ruffles and flounces so he looked like a balding, glandularly-challenged tranny hooker from the French Quarter.
     So it was with unmitigated joy when we discovered just before my father's death that in 1990, Cecil founded Cecilsprays.com, the first live sex chat website in internet history. At last, he was a businessman and entrepreneur in his own right and making his own money! Cecil's business model was stunningly low overhead. Using our family's contacts in Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union, Cecil instructed his contacts to go to student hostels all over the Soviet Bloc and use (sometimes strenuous) persuasion to talk these young male studs to do their bit for whatever flag and country they hailed from and to do live sex shows for $15 per 15 minute private session.
     Then one boy had the gall to saw off his foot using an old discarded jagged band saw that was sitting around the abandoned factory and hop his way to the Yugoslavian authorities. Eventually, our "comrades" in Eastern Europe contacted the FBI and ICE and burst into Cecil's SoHo loft while he was in mid ejaculation to take him into custody. For some reason, the poor boy was so racked with remorse, he even volunteered to go to Riker's Island even after hearing abominable stories about the nightly prison shower rapes that go on there.
     Anyway, despite my lingering resentment at ICE for arresting my baby brother for rescuing misguided European youths bound for law and medical school who came from Third World countries where the sound of dying, screaming rabbits are blared on PA systems every morning, this is one time those jackals can work for us, and you and your worthy corporation, for a change.
     Did you ever see a movie called Schindler's List? (I have the DVD BluRay edition in which one of the extra features is a deleted scene in which Liam Neeson porks a Jewish girl in front of a bunch of Nazi officers. They eventually went with just the kiss.). Anyway, Schindler was, like you, an industrialist in a Nazi country and when the Germans asked him why he was saving Jewish children, he held up a little girl's hand and asked, "How else can I shine the inside of a casing of a 40 mm mortar round?"
     There you go. Put the little taco-munching moochers to work in exchange for the education on US history, food and dog kennel cages we're giving them courtesy of those who actually do pay taxes. And I have some additional suggestions:
     I'd imagine Research and Development's biggest headache in the defense industry is not testing its missiles and mortar rounds on live targets. How else are we supposed to gauge the accuracy of missiles that cost millions if we're trying to surgically bomb a Muslim wedding, with all sorts of towel heads screaming and running all over the place?
     Well, you have the solution to that particular problem literally at your grasping fingertips. As ICE raids all over the nation have proven time and again, these little brown-skinned kids are quicker and more nimble than ferrets on speed and those poor fellows at ICE must feel at times as if they're trying to herd feral cats. Place them in an Aberdeen Proving Grounds-like environment in which they have some room to move around then let 'er rip. Such canned hunting pens are all the rage with those dozens of 2nd Amendment types who still listen to Ted Nugent but are too fat and lazy to actually hunt animals in their native habitat.
     Why, the possibilities for these children to make you and your company immense amounts of money, more than you're already making in your diversification from national defense to child care, boggles even the minds of those of us who deal with huge sums daily. I have many more ideas and I await your rejoinder with bated breath so I can discuss them with you.
     Sincerely,

     Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American

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