The 3 Ring Karnival of Krazy Konservatives

(By American Zen's Mike Flannigan, on loan from Ari.)

Donald Trump is coming off a week that most people have the sense to dread and it looks as if this week is shaping up to be an even worse one. There are three rings in this assclown circus- The first is the sex scandal involving Jerry Falwell. The second is the psychological sideshow of hatred of the RNC convention. And, last but not least, There was Louis DeJoy committing perjury before the House Oversight Committee. Each of these could easily support a two or even three section piece but I'll just devote one section to each.

"Hi, I'm the pool boy..."

Don't ask me how I know this because I'll plead the Fifth. But many porno movies have been made since the 80's that start out with either a pool boy or pool cleaner. Last night, Jerry Falwell, Jr., for some bizarre reason, decided to throw his wife under the bus by admitting she'd had an affair with a pool boy and that he'd tried to extort money from them. Whether that's true or not, the fallout came over a real estate deal that involved a hostel. In fact, this is what Falwell had written to the right wing rag, the Washington Examiner" "Becki had an inappropriate personal relationship with this person, something in which I was not involved.”

     Well, like something out of a porno takeoff on Star Wars, the Pool Boy Struck Back.

    

     "Becki and I developed an intimate relationship and Jerry enjoyed watching from the corner of the room,” Granda said. Seven years this went on. Looks as if there's something to be said for the proverbial Seven Year Itch.

     Well, today, Falwell tendered his resignation to Liberty University, a move that was as inevitable as Trump losing this election. And it all started with the tiny, exposed thread of a picture of him that he'd inexplicably put on Instagram with his arm around his wife's assistant, a professional Peg Bundy lookalike, with both their front zippers down.

    

     ...a moment captured in happier times of which I'm sure Falwell, Sr. would've approved.

     Seriously, Jerry Falwell, Jr. completely burned down his academic career and political capital because he willingly turned his life into a porno movie trope by letting a pool boy fuck his wife for seven years while Falwell was vainly beating his bishop in a dark corner. Sad!

"Why, yes, I am a fucker of rats, if you must ask."

Seriously, watching Louie DeJoy's testimony before the House Oversight Committee today, the only phrase that could ever come to mind was "rat fucker." Because that's what Louis DeJoy had proven to be in his 70 days as Postmaster General. But in case you're opting for a more... diplomatic and genteel description, might I submit "mob boss"?

     As Donald Trump was accepting the Republican nomination for president in North Carolina at the same time Jerry Falwell was doing the pool boy thing to his professional career, DeJoy essentially sneered and perjured himself before each and every single Democrat who'd questioned his more than questionable decisions to slow down the mail. Behind a placard that laughably read, "The Honorable DeJoy", the 75th Postmaster General essentially took the Fifth on questions he knew would compromise him, such as when he was asked if getting a pardon from Trump was his Plan B. DeJoy said he "resented" the question.

     He did admit, however, that he had spoken with Trump campaign officials about mail in ballots, which is the exact opposite of what he'd previously said. Blinking so rapidly it looked as if he was sending a plea of help in Morse code to that same Trump campaign, megadonor DeJoy crashed and burned with every Democrat who'd questioned him. But the most spectacular fireball came when he ran up against Katie Porter, questioning him from the 45th district she represents in California. She got DeJoy, the 75th Postmaster general, to admit that he didn't know how much a post card costs to mail or to send out Priority Mail.

     The questioning was interrupted for a few moments due to a commotion in DeJoy's lap that began with animal squealing and DeJoy looking down and whispering, "Stop struggling, dammit, I'm almost there!" Then to Rep. Ro Khanna, he offered to put the scanning and sorting machines back online... for a billion dollars. The only thing that remains to be determined is whether DeJoy is running a protection racket or a banana republic hostage scheme.

     Louie DeJoy, quite frankly, looks like a refugee from a Thomas Nast cartoon. If you're writing a dictionary and want an illustration for "corruption," you'd be compelled to use Louis DeJoy's face. Fat, pudgy, bald, beady-eyed and sneering with his New York accent at any authority calling him to task for his actions and misactions. If you need an illustration, then DeJoy's your guy.

     In other words, he's exactly the type of corporate crook with whom Donald Trump has surrounded himself his entire life.

"Gentlemen, Start Your Screaming!"

Republican voters should've realized something was up when the RNC decided not to go with a platform. Originally, they were going to go with 2016's that charged the president with gross dereliction of duty, despite the fact that Trump wasn't running against Obama and isn't running against him twice as much.  Instead, what laughably masquerades as a platform is simply, "Vote for Trump!"

   You'd be hard-pressed to remember the last time a major political party held their national convention without a campaign platform. The campaign platform of either party is supposed to give their voters a vision for what they see for the future of the country as well as give primary guidance to incumbents and candidates running in down ballot races.

     Equally empty as the RNC's platform was Trump's 49 point plan for his second term, which amounts to, "Vote for me or we're all going to jail!" 49 times in a row. So, essentially, the RNC is telling us to give another four years to him because his name is Donald Trump, who'd helped spread a deadly virus that has already killed over 175,000 Americans, tanked the economy to the point where Wall Street lost five years of gains in a few months and we'd lost a third of our GDP.

     Yeah, this ought to end well.

     Typically, this political incest orgy (half the speakers are members of his family) will consist of Donald Trump yammering on for four days straight, another deviation from political precedent. And, in another bold break from precedent, the GOP had their premature ejaculation in nominating their boy today, the first day of the convention, instead of waiting until the final day.

    

   And, lest you think the entire village idiot road show convention is completely infected with Trump's DNA, they also have the McCloskeys, the racist gun couple from a St. Louis gated community who became the faces of white privilege, angst, rage and hysteria over white property ownership.

    There's also Kid Rock! The demon semen doctor! Chachi! The smirking Covington MAGA kid! The My Pillow Guy!

     And, lurking in the wings, Letitia James, the New York State Attorney General who'd just this very day named Eric Trump in a fraud lawsuit against the Trump Disorganization, which made the evilest-looking of the Trump spawn bleat in Trumpian outrage on Twitter over "prosecutorial misconduct", For the love of God, someone give this poor boy a rat to fuck! Louis, can you spare one?