Four More Years... Starting in 2024!

 

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

Trump lost? Well, that's twaddle and poppycock!" I exclaimed after spitting in the hand of a liberal homeless grifter on 5th Avenue who had the effrontery to beg me for a handout. (After all, nobody bailed me out during this pandemic if you bar the tens of millions I requested, and got, from Uncle Sam, in forgivable PPP loans to prop up my barely-distressed assets. But, as we all know, Uncle Sam isn't real people like corporations are, so technically nobody actually bailed me out.)

    Anyway, the guy who initially closed the spigots on more liberal bleeding heart welfare, President Donald John Trump, supposedly lost the election because of widespread voter and electoral fraud that, maddeningly, remains elusive and disappears the minute Rudy Giuliani steps foot in a court of law. But His Honor will find that fraud. He will lead you to it. You all will see it, too, if you just follow the dried trail of drool and hair dye.

    And, even if Trump losing were true, that'd be a fine "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am!" to the president who freed the American worker from the onerous burden of dependency (and of the jobs they hated and the socialized health care plan they still complained about)! But never count on the gratitude of the American public who were swayed by news of Trump putting little brown kids in cages and magnanimously letting the Russians occupy our hastily-abandoned bases in Syria when they weren't putting bounties on the heads of suckers and losers following their Commander in Chief's orders).

    So, as I told Rush Limbaugh when I called in to his radio show last week (I was the one who was nearly in tears and saying I would die for my president, which I most certainly would not literally, although I could hire any number of thousands of employees to do so by proxy. So, technically, I would die for him, in a metaphorical sense.), the president should continue fighting this... in 2024.

    My thinking is as elegantly simple as it is shockingly brilliant. President Donald Trump needs to give the nation four years to settle down from this ridiculous Trump Derangement Syndrome drummed up by the liberal media like Fox and allow the kind fondling hands of posterity to burnish his legacy. After all, every great world leader has posthumously undergone revisionist makeovers so that future generations who do not recall living under their rule can see them in a kinder, gauzier light.

     As proof of this, look at the enduring appeal of Adolph Hitler in Germany and even here in our great nation, a reputation that has been valiantly burnished by our great Chief Executive (Although Hitler was far from perfect, I'll grant. I never could reconcile his vegetarianism). In Russia, Trump's spiritual birthplace, Stalin is undergoing a surge in popularity and I defy one Russian to remember even one name of the millions of Ukrainians who starved to death under his rule! For fuck's sake, even Pinochet had Chileans shedding tears on his coffin!

     So, I say, President Trump should place his trust in the infallible right wing memory hole and what it can bury over the next four years. He should run again in 2024 and wage a rematch with Biden (Provided he doesn't lock himself in the Oval Office bathroom, fall down and hit his head on the sink). By that time, he'll still be a youthful 78 years-old and will be running as a lame duck president with no Constitutional hope of running for a third term. Given those advantages, and being unconstrained in his exercise of power in which he can do whatever he wants, why wouldn't America put him back him in office until he's 82?

     I would've have broached this idea to the president but the White House switchboard tells me the president is rarely seen except in the occasional press briefing during which he wisely takes no questions from the liberal media. One operator had told me recently that aside from the rare presser and golf outing in Virginia, the only evidence they have the president is still alive is through his 40 or 50 daily tweets and hanging out his underwear to dry in the Situation Room bunker since the White House laundry refuses to wash them, any more.

     He would be a trendsetter as no president since the 19th century ever ran for a second noncontinuous term after getting voted out. Just because Hoover, Ford, Carter and Bush I were too cowardly to go for the brass ring again doesn't mean Donald John Trump should have guts made of water.

     When my grandfather Ambrose Blubberpuss during the McCarthy era won a Congressional seat in an uncontested race (the Democrat running against him was killed when he choked to death on a corn dog at an Iowa rally), his glorious one quarter of a term in Congress before he was primaried and tossed out on his well-rounded rear end, gave him a taste of power that stayed with him until the end of his days. 

     He ran for Congress 11 more times, unsuccessfully, because the American public and the lack of a liberal memory hole refused to forget about the horrors of Communists valiantly hunted down by Senator Joe McCarthy. Obviously, they were distracted by the Watergate hoax just as liberals were distracted by the Russia hoax and the blackmail hoax against Ukraine and 100 other hoaxes.

     So, while I might not be able to reach the usually accessible president, hopefully, he will see this and take heart, and under advisement, my bold suggestion that he run for office again in 2024. Because, as the revisionism of Hitler, Stalin, Mao and Pinochet prove, good, patriotic conservative-Americans never forget a good thing.