The Second Gettysburg Address

 

(By Donald J. Trump, aspiring dictator)

     The sleazebags in the liberal media like MSDNC have been making fun of my perfect speech about Gettysburg. So, I, your favorite president, the 45th and 47th, have decided to write my own Gettysburg Address.

     There were many fine people on both sides and, unfortunately, the wrong people won. But it was a historic day five scores and 11 years ago in the war of northern aggression. The confederates were about to take control of the airports until the other guys stopped them.

     People say that up to 28,000 people were killed during those three days but don't believe that for a New York minute, people. There was a lot of love on that battlefield that day and guys were kissing each other. Personally, that's not my thing but that's what I hear they were doing, I dunno.

     And all the southerners wanted to do was to watch The Apprentice, the greatest show in the history of television, but the blue meanies wouldn't let them have TVs. People come up to me all the time and say, "Sir, the moment you fired Omorosa on The Apprentice was the most beautiful moment of my life."

     Anyway, the Battle of Gettysburg was fought not too far from the Capitol of Philadelphia. It's a town that I won by a lot in 2016 and by a lot more in 2020 and you can't tell me Crooked Biden won his home state. I won by a lot, OK?

     And, for just $9.99 extra, I'll throw in a printed copy of this address along with my Bible that you can get for the low, low price of $59.99. MAGA!