Nickelback's Been Waiting For This Moment

      ...when they can finally stop being hated for a few minutes.

     Faithfully, predictably, on cue, MAGA world has shown its true color (exclusively white, although arguments could be made to include eggshell white and any other hue paler than a paper bag) by foaming at the mouth over the NFL choosing Bad Bunny for the Super Bowl halftime show. The Super Bowl won't be played until February 8th next year so they're getting their outrage, racism and hatred primed in advance.

      Toilet Paper USA, the Nazi youth league started by professional martyr Charlie Kirk, was shocked, shocked, that the NFL would hand the Super Bowl halftime show to a reggaeton superstar who has nearly 100 billion streams on Spotify alone (making him one of the few music artists who can compete with Taylor Swift in sheer numbers).

      The ginned-up outrage over Bad Bunny is so simple even a single issue MAGA voter can understand it- Mr. Ocasio (his real surname) performs almost exclusively in Spanish. Which is cool. Speaking and performing in a language other than English inevitably invites the racists that are attracted to MAGA like beetles swarming over a pile of fresh vomit to ask, "What do you think you're doing speaking a foreign language?! The official language is American!" (To which I reply, "Keeping their language and culture alive. And, incidentally, English is an Indo-European language that's an amalgam of many other languages including German, French and, yes, even Spanish. I've been writing in our almost comically co-opted language for close to a half a century so I think I stand on solid ground. Now go eat an economy bag of pork rinds from the local Piggly Wiggly and shut the fuck up.")

      So... When MAGA heard the NFL chose Mr. Ocasio for the halftime show, well... The predictable happened. As the famous line in the Beastmaster goes, "I reject your reality and substitute my own". We immediately began hearing from the sidelines that TPUSA was going to assemble their own halftime show (Kind of like Tonya Harding, who was once forced to skate outside when she wasn't allowed into the rink during a figure skating telecast).

     Forget the fact that they've neglected to line up a sponsor or television distributor for the event or gotten the, you know, "talent." In other words, the MAGA halftime show doesn't exist in any way, shape or form any more than does Antifa. But, hey, no problem, because dreaming of it is just as good, right?

     So the MAGA base, who can usually be seen wearing too tight tee shirts at Three Dog Night reunion concerts at Ramada Inns, happily made their own suggestions as to who should provide the soundtrack for their alternate reality halftime show. Kid Rock! Ted Nugent! Creed! And, yes, the anti-Rush Canadian rock band Nickelback, which is about as popular as AIDS in Provincetown.

     Picking up on this, some progressive wag created a fake poster (see lead image) showcasing a dream team lineup that's guaranteed to make every MAGAt prematurely ejaculate in their coveralls. And, predictably, MAGAts like Graham Allen fell for it. Kid Rock! Ted Nugent! And a misspelled Forgiato Blow, who's achieved some minor renown for writing really bad verses extolling a certain demented child molester who's adept only at extracting money from MAGA voters and stealing presidential elections.

     And, best of all, an appearance by Measles!

     Wait, who? Surely, they don't mean the band that was founded six decades ago and briefly featured Joe Walsh, right? Otherwise, Measles doesn't exist as a band. Perhaps there would be an appearance by the highly communicable disease that's happily partnering with RFK, Jr to turn our health care infrastructure into something comparable to 17th century Upper Volta.

      And, again, the lineup doesn't exist. Not one musician has signed up for this card, which is blanker than the Republican Affordable Care Act alternative. And even lunatics like Kid Rock and Ted Nugent aren't stupid enough to commit to an event that doesn't even have a TV station to carry it. Even Fox, Newsmax and OANN want no part of it.  Steve Bannon? Alex Jones? A nation turns its jaundiced, racist eyes to you.

     All because some disaffected MAGAts can't stand the idea of the Super Bowl halftime show being headlined by a guy who sings in Spanish, a language spoken by over 40,000,000 Americans (or about one eighth of the population). And this fact alone gets to the heart of their virulent opposition to Bad Bunny heading the halftime show- Their fear that non-white performers will supplant their aging heroes who haven't had a hit since Margaret Chase Smith last got laid. That their Aryan hegemony will soon come to an end. That people performing in other languages will become mainstream (Narrator: It's already happened).

     Kristi Noem, the world's most beloved police impersonator, has vowed to somehow make the Super Bowl halftime show White Again by promising to flood the stadium with ICE agents so they can pick up Puerto Ricans who, contrary to the beliefs of MAGA world, are still US citizens since Puerto Rico is a US territory. And, since Super Bowl tickets start at a bloated $6000, it's unlikely those ducats will be snatched up by brown people working tomato crops or legal marijuana farms.