Tuesday, December 9, 2008

George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements

The White House has issued "speech toppers", or talking points that glowingly sum up President George W. Bush's eight year-long legacy. Among the talking points:
  • He kept the American people safe after 9/11

  • Lifting the economy after 2001 through tax cuts

  • Curbed AIDS in Africa

  • Maintained the honor and the dignity of his office.

  • However, the memo to Cabinet officials also lauded President Bush's other, lesser-known but still significant accomplishments. What were they?

  • 10) Almost completely kept the Presidential golf cart out of the salad bar of the Congressional cafeteria.

  • 9) In 2002, killed, buried and replaced Nancy Pelosi with converted love doll.

  • 8) Got back on the horse and conquered a soft pretzel liberally dipped with Jack Daniels.

  • 7) Replaced AIDS in Africa with less time- and money-intensive life-threatening diseases.

  • 6) Using his Presidential prerogative, limited vulture fund managers to taking Third World Nations to court for money only, thereby abolishing the 2003 Human Slavery clause.

  • 5) Successfully resisted urge to replace former FEMA director Michael Brown with the skeleton of the Elephant Man to see if anyone would notice.

  • 4) In 2008, asked the petroleum cartels to bail out the federal government to pay off the bailouts of everyone else.

  • 3) Forbade tobacco chewing during state dinner honoring Queen Elizabeth II.

  • 2) Once played GEARS OF WAR 3 for 36 straight hours, which inspired a strategy dealing with Iran.

  • 1) Allowed himself to be talked out of lobbing baseballs at the big red button at the Pentagon.

    At December 10, 2008 at 3:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Look who's back and snarky as ever!

    At December 10, 2008 at 4:25 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

    Not for long if the latest level of interactivity lasts. I got better shit to do than this.

    And I've been back since July, Lisa. Where've you been?

    At December 10, 2008 at 4:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Well, fuck. Obviously my rss feed stopped working. Fixed now.

    At December 10, 2008 at 4:38 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

    Case in point: This post got linked on Crooks and Liars today. Over 1500 hits and counting, an alltime high for this new blog.

    Your comment was the first one. Mine was the second.

    Looks like you have a lot of reading to do if you thought I was gone all this time.

    At December 10, 2008 at 5:34 PM, Blogger Anna Van Z said...

    I didn't realize you were back, either! So glad.

    At December 10, 2008 at 5:59 PM, Blogger Hill said...

    And well worth the listing on C&L, too!

    Good stuff, Jurassicpork.


    At December 11, 2008 at 1:28 AM, Blogger The Minstrel Boy said...

    goddamn sam. c&l coolness. i been linking like crazy to driftglass, probably hook on this one in the morning.

    it's late, i've put up 15 lbs of dark chocolate ganache and 8 lbs of white and raspberry.

    tomorrow i roll. and roll...and roll...

    friday we dip.

    32 doz, and that's just the first batch. i'm a truffle maker from way fucking back yo.


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