Friday, January 29, 2010

The State of the Union Address That We Deserved

A few days ago, The Rude Pundit provided us with five fantasy scenarios for the SOTU Address last Wednesday that involved decapitation and Joe Lieberman. While mildly intriguing, I don't think the Rude One's fantasy scenarios really reached that magic level of true catharsis so if you don't want to read a post involving mutilation, complete and utter disrespect of the Republican Party and neocons, then you might as well just hit the backspace button and go somewhere else.

It ought to be mentioned that, as with many of the Rude One's posts, this one will prove to be incredibly not work safe.

Now, let's take the case of Sam Alito, a racist, partisan hack who knew that he no longer needed to show any semblance of restraint and respect because he's on the SCOTUS for life. When President Obama properly called him and the other four right wingers on the court (note that Scalia and Thomas were absent) out for their disastrous Citizens United vs The FEC ruling last week, Alito shook his head and mouthed the words, "Not true."

While Obama didn't perfectly articulate the court's ruling, a State of the Union Address is meant to provide broad strokes, not minute examinations and explications into political science, legislation or policy. Essentially, the President, a Constitutional law scholar and professor, had the court dead to rights and it's hard to see how Alito's completely disrespectful head shaking and "Not true" could be supported in light of his and the court's pro-corporate-friendly ruling that isn't even predicated on actual legal precedent (corporations do not have personhood, nor should they).

Here's what Obama should've done- He should have walked down from behind the podium, grabbed Alito by the ears and drove his knee into his fat, smug face, driving his pig snout through his brain . Then he should have kneed Alito again in the groin, ripped off his balls, stuffed them in his mouth and brought former KBR employee Jamie Leigh Jones down from the cheap seats so she could then sit on his face and piss all over it.

"How do you like that, you right wing fuck?" Obama should have then said over his shoulder. "That's what corporations are going to do to the electoral process and the American people." Then, once behind the podium, Obama then would have smoothed down his striped red tie and asked, "OK, now where was I?" then proceeding smoothly with a glance at the teleprompter.

Mrs. Alito cries yet again.

While inveighing against the evils of the past administration, Obama would have named Bush and Cheney by name just for starters and would have eventually brought them, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice and other neocon war architects down the center aisle with an M14 rifle held at their backs by the Master at Arms.

While paraded past the Republican Party in chains, dressed in shit-smeared rags, Cheney would have then been brought in, laid flat on his back and had his own chains on all four of his pudgy limbs attached to four Morgan horses. A 5th chain would have been impaling his penis and attached to a Rottweiler.

The President then would've shot a .38 Special in the air, driving all five startled animals in five different directions. Morgans are smaller, less powerful horses and it would take a little longer for Cheney to be drawn and quartered. As each limb comes off, Obama would lean over the podium and say, "Doesn't look like torture to me, Dick. I don't see any organs getting damaged."

He would then cock the hammer and point the .38 at Joe Lieberman and makes him retrieve the severed limbs and the ragged, bloody Vice Presidential penis or lose his chairmanships and right to caucus with the Democrats.

Lynne Cheney, now freed of her martial obligations, would court kd lange or Melissa Etheridge and be rejected and publicly humiliated on the Logo Network after which she would hang herself behind a huge portrait of Gertrude Stein.

"I thought that would get some applause," the Chief Executive would say before turning back to the teleprompter.

George W. Bush, having to watch this, would get preferential treatment. He would have so many dry pretzels shoved up his ass, and packed in with a horny bull elephant's penis, that he would again choke on them. Ahmad Chalabi would then be brought in at gunpoint to eat every pretzel out of his bleeding, distended rectum while every one of the 4300+ families, starting with Cindy Sheehan, that lost a loved one in Iraq would be brought in one at a time to piss on his bleeding writhing form. The camera cuts away and Obama would say, "We're not going to show you on TV, George, just like you refused to show the flag-draped coffins coming off the transports at Dover, right, Joe?" Vice President Biden, only the bottom half of his face visible, would nod and smile like the Cheshire Cat as Dubya writhes in a growing pool of urine before the Well.

Laura Bush would smile, smile and smile and light up the first of 15 consecutive cigarettes and HW would weep uncontrollably from his living room in Kennebunkport as Sonny's soaked, warped, half dead body would then be sent to the Netherlands strapped to the starboard (or right) wing of a Blackwater jet.

The seats occupied by the Republicans would then come to life, with ankles and wrists suddenly bound by steel restraints and 10,000 volts coursing through their bodies. There wouldn't be enough amps to kill them but it would definitely, well, jolt them into awareness of who's really in charge.

The chamber would then fill up with the aroma of more urine and fecal matter and Obama would say, "Keep that in mind, assholes, until I talk to you again in Baltimore in two days. Any stupid Republican health care plan will get you more of the same."

Obama would then sweetly call upon the Republican Party to unite with the Democrats to solve our common problems. Half the attendees would erupt in cheers and applause while the Republicans madly dab at their crotches with their handkerchiefs.

Finally, bipartisanship and using Republican tactics to achieve those aims.

Meanwhile, Gov. Bob McDonnell is put on TV where he then utters, "Eep. Er..." for 12 and a half minutes from the Virginia State House.

And that, ladies and germs, is the State of the Union Address that an alarmingly large percentage of we liberals and progressives would've been happy to see. Yes, after 9+ years of ignoring the rule of law and denying justice to We the People, we've come to this.


At January 29, 2010 at 11:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

obama is The Great Pumpkin and he aint never showin up with our goodies.

At January 29, 2010 at 6:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh you are so headed right to the top.

At January 30, 2010 at 12:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Eh,Eh,Where do I place the electrodes sir? Eh, Eh.

Well done JP!

At February 1, 2010 at 1:36 AM, Anonymous mk said...

Wow, that was fun! Much better than the real thing. Have you ever considered a job in political speechwriting and stagecraft?


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