Monday, April 29, 2013

Holy Waterboarding for Jesus

     Dear Pinelake Baptist Church:
     I have read with enthusiasm and interest your recent attempt to kidnap an entire high school one grade at a time at Northwest Rankin High School during this school year.
     Obviously, these tactics are much more cost-effective than that of Escuela Caribe, subject of a liberal propaganda film called Kidnapped For Christ. With the price of gas and jet fuel these days, it's no longer feasible to kidnap children in the dead of night and fly them while bound to the Dominican after coming out to their parents as gay or that they may have shaken their penises for an impermissible period of time after urinating.
     Your truancy officer, Jeff White, certainly had the right idea in stalking and cornering students trying to skip out on these mandatory Jesus rallies as well as standing at the exits and telling the godless, gutless cowards to sit back down. Of course, other Godless liberals sought to queer all the fun by launching a lawsuit.
     But as worthy as your ministers' message is (denunciating pornography, homosexuality, looking at Sears underwear models, skateboarding instead of self-flagellation on the Sabbath, etc), perhaps more proactive measures are what's needed. It's one thing to show them videos of cured fags and ex porno addicts but what will hold their attention and discourage them from fleeing the wrath of God through his instrument Jeff White is waterboarding, specifically holy waterboarding.
     Now, I know this smacks of papacy since only a priest can bless holy water. But if a priest can make water holy and a rabbi can make food kosher by doing the same thing, then surely a major Protestant denomination can reserve the right to retroactively make hydrogen and oxygen a spiritual strong acid in the name of proselytization. Of course, there are so many Protestant faiths, there's no one big head honcho like the Pope to unite all of them, although there is one denomination based in Passaic, New Jersey called Our Lady's Church of the Shitting Elvis that blesses lard and converts it to polyunsaturated fat. Be that as it may...
     It would have a devastating psychological effect on those craven atheist youths of central Mississippi if a student were chosen at random, held down by Officer White, have one of your ministers' stoles wrapped around the youth's face and holy water dumped on top of it. Obviously, not only would this have a devastating effect on the rest of the assembly, but this method has the stamp of approval from the last administration, surely the most efficacious theocracy since the time of Savonarola.
     Wrapping the stole about the face would also protect your minister of conditional grace from a demonic regurgitation of split pea soup or Red Bull or whatever hooligans ingest these days, a lesson learned after Max Von Sydow's encounter with Linda Blair.
     The papists and their Holy Inquisition certainly provide a seedbed of good ideas that can be appropriated by your denomination without conflicting with Baptist Scripture. I know your faith doesn't have saints so might I recommend exhuming the bones of Jerry Falwell, and splintering them so they can be inserted under the fingernails of the unchurched if the holy waterboarding doesn't prove efficacious?
     Lastly, in the interests of augmenting the size of your flock (I see that Pinelake Baptist Church in Mississippi is only the 55th fastest-growing church in the US), similarly kidnapping these childrens' families and pets may prove the deciding factor that'll put rear ends in pews at your various locations every Sunday. Perhaps you can do a round robin style of kidnapping and detention whereby the children are regularly kidnapped every other week in order to get donations from their parents who are obviously very lax in instilling fear of the Lord in their offspring.
     Such tactics, while regrettably extreme, are nonetheless what Jesus would have approved of. It may not say so in the Bible, but the reason why Jesus was able to amass such a huge following in such a short period of time was because, being a free market advocate, he hired offduty Roman soldiers, whereupon these fine mercenaries surrounded his reluctant audience while he babbled on about helping the poor.
     After all, the Old Testament can be boiled down to four words when the Lord said again and again, "Love me or die." We need this Jonathan Edwards-style evangelizing more than ever in these godless times and what better place to start than with the young?
     Robert Crawford


At May 3, 2013 at 4:18 PM, Anonymous Anton said...

Our Lady's Church of the Shitting Elvis!?!? I would return to Christianity just to JOIN that place. No wait, maybe I can just buy a T-shirt...


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