Friday, June 16, 2017

Trump Administration, Government Hires All the Attorneys, Imports More From Russia

President Donald J. Trump arrives at Edwards AFB with his lawyered up lawyer, Michael Cohen.

Washington --- The Trump administration and United States government has hired so many attorneys in recent months that the nation is "perilously close" to running out of lawyers, making it all but a certainty that the government will have to start importing attorneys from Russia.
     President Trump himself began the lawyer-hiring frenzy after firing former FBI Director James B. Comey on May 9th, forcing Deputy DOJ Attorney General Rod Rosenstein to hire Robert Mueller as Special Prosecutor into the FBI's Russia investigation. Since then, Mr. Mueller has hired an astounding 13 attorneys to assist him in his ever-expanding investigation, with more expected to be hired.
     Just weeks after setting up a Super PAC of his own, Vice President Mike Pence has also hired an attorney. In order to avoid the appearance of impropriety, the Vice President has set up a GoFundMe account to pay his legal fees. "So far, after just a day, we've collected $410 from 41 donors," the Vice President said before the Naval Observatory, "so I'd say the campaign is going swimmingly well. Plus, I've added an incentive to anyone kicking in $10,000 that I'll go to their gay neighbor's house and personally heckle them on their front lawn for one hour."
     The lawyer hiring frenzy has reached such proportions, even Mr. Trump's own lawyer, Michael Cohen, has hired his own attorney. "Admittedly, this is going to be awkward," said Mr. Cohen. "I mean, suppose the President testifies before Mr. Mueller as he's promised and he asks me for advice? Will I have to ask my own attorney for advice before giving the President my advice?"
     Obviously, this has resulted in a backlog of legal cases from coast to coast, with litigants not having their scheduled cases tried because their attorneys are now working for either Mr. Trump, Mr. Mueller or other members of the administration. "Seriously, this is like something out of the Twilight Zone," said Travis County Judge Martin Wexler. "We've all fantasized about how happy the world would be without attorneys. Well, it's time to reap the whirlwind, folks."
     Consequently, law schools have accelerated their curricula in order to fast track law students toward graduation so they can take their state bar exams. Critics of the "lawyer drain", as it's called, have likened it to accelerated military basic training in order to get raw, untrained recruits into the battlefield that much faster. Says New Mexico attorney James "Slippin' Jimmy" McGill, "Pretty soon the legal landscape will be filled with idealistic 20-21 year-old attorneys with outdated notions about truth, justice and the American way. It makes me want to go out and kill Superman with a kryptonite dagger."
     However, even the accelerated law school curricula isn't enough to keep pace with the Trump administration's and Justice Department's hiring frenzy. This has forced the President to sign an executive order allowing Russian attorneys into the United States while waiving the usual State Department regulation of work visas. The first C5A transport plane that is expected to import 1000 Russian attorneys is slated to touch down at Edwards AFB by July 1st.
     "The fake news will scream bloody murder about these fine Russian attorneys not knowing American law. But who cares if they're not qualified? That's never stopped me before," said the President on Twitter.
     Thus far, the administration has failed to release the list of names of these Russian attorneys but Wikileaks is about to release documents that suggest at least 677 of the 1000 Russians either have ties to President Vladimir V. Putin, US Amassador Sergey Kislyak, several billionaire oligarchs and Politburo officials.
     "There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that the President is hiring Russian attorneys... yet," said Press Secretary Sean Spicer in a statement released through his attorney's attorney through their own spokesman's attorney.


At June 19, 2017 at 11:28 PM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherford said...

That's some Grade A snark right there, JP. I particularly like, "the legal landscape will be filled with idealistic 20-21 year-old attorneys with outdated notions about truth, justice and the American way. It makes me want to go out and kill Superman with a kryptonite dagger.""


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