Friday, June 2, 2017

Assclowns of the Week #105: Blame it on Paris or Putin edition

"Therefore, in order to fulfill my solemn duty to protect America and its citizens, the United States will withdraw from the Paris Climate Accord -- (applause)" -Donald Trump
     Greetings, global cooling deniers, and welcome to a long, long overdue Assclowns of the Week. And it has been a busy week with Z list comedian Kathy Griffin (3) having Daniel Pearl fantasies about Donald Trump, Trump (1) jerking us off the Paris Climate Accord, Jared Kushner (6) being Vladimir Putin's back door man and Debbie Wasserman Schultz's (10) experiment in voice acting. So let's put on our water wings and as we paddle in the rising water review this week's top 10 assclowns and much, much more.

10) Debbie Wasserman Schultz
     Democrats used to be the smart ones. They were so smart, in fact, that for decades Republicans had accused them of being elitists. But gradually, establishment Democrats began moving in Republican and corporate circles in a highly successful attempt to hedge against charges of intellectual elitism. To wit:
     Last Thursday, an odd phone call came into Elizabeth Lee Beck's law office. Ms. Beck's law firm is the one litigating the DNC fraud lawsuit. The caller used a voice synthesizer so that it sounded "robotic and genderless." The voice made an inquiry: How's it going with the lawsuit? The receptionist gave the caller all the publicly available information then hung up. But apparently the caller forgot about a decades-old innovation known to the rest of elitist, tech-savvy people as caller ID.

     Oops. Looks as if the call came from Debbie Wasserman Schultz' Aventura, FL congressional office. Think they could be a little shaken up by the lawsuit and what the investigation will dig up? This is actually one step stupider than Donald Trump calling People Magazine and pretending to be a publicist named "John Miller." Or maybe this is evidence of Putin striking again.

9) EPA Director Scott Pruitt
     Just hours after Donnie Dumbo decided to pull us out of the Paris Climate Accord, the usual army of flacks took to the airways and did the talking head circuit, particularly climate change denier and EPA head Scott Pruitt. Trump making Pruitt the head of the EPA was on a par with making Ted Nugent the head of PETA. On CNN, Pruitt was grilled by Jake Tapper and this exchange took place:
Tapper: "Does the President believe climate change is a hoax?
Pruitt: "This is not about whether climate change is occurring or not."
     For once, Pruitt is right, albeit accidentally. The Paris Climate Accord was never about whether or not global warming is a hoax but acknowledging it is not and taking all the appropriate steps to curb the emission of greenhouse gases on a global scale. Late last month, Pruitt said satellite data proves global warming is slowing down, even though virtually every climate scientist on earth had confirmed the opposite. Hell, what did you expect from a guy who once tried to sue 13 times the same regulatory agency that he now heads up?

8) Rep. Darrel Issa
     Either Darrel Issa is preparing for his next career as a roofer for when he gets thrown out of Congress next year or he's too scared to face his own constituents. On Tuesday May 30, Issa showed up at his Congressional office in Vista, CA and was met with a knot of constituents who were angry about being excluded from a fake Town Hall Issa had recently held that admitted only Republican-friendly voters. Issa immediately ignored the small crowd, where he then did a creditable job of Michael Scott from The Office and hid on the roof. In a baleful move, Issa then took pictures of the protesters below. This knocks us down to just half a notch above a pitchfork and torch-wielding banana republic and after this I don't see how Issa can overcome a challenge from Democrat Mike Levin, who was savvy enough to quickly jump on this.
     At least Sean Spicer had the sense to hide in the White House bushes on ground level. And, oh, speak of the Devil's jester and he will come...

7)  Donald Trump and Sean Spicer
     Donald Trump recently took to Twitter just after midnight and seemed to drunk-text the world about the "constant negative press" and "covfefe". Then the day after, Trump made the mistake of trotting out Sean Spicer to explain what he meant. When asked by the press what Trump meant in his latest semi-coherent tweet, Spicey answered with, "The president and a small group of people know exactly what he meant." Obviously, not included among that small elite group are the editors of Merriam Webster, Oxford and the New American Heritage dictionaries.
     Meanwhile, White House groupie Sarah Palin is immensely grateful to Mr. Trump for making most of us forget about her coining the word, "refudiate."

6) Jared Kushner
     A week ago (at the very end of the news cycle as it was not broken until after five PM last Friday). it was reported that Donald Trump's son in law Jared Kushner had conspired with Russian officials to set up a secret back channel to Moscow as far back as last December. This was backed up by five officials knowledgeable of the meeting. This marked a radical departure for US policy because this was a case of a private citizen working with diplomats from a hostile state to reach the highest levels of Russian political power behind the backs of the 17 intelligence agencies.
     On a very abstract level, this is not unprecedented. However, Professor Richard Moss, author of the book, Nixon’s Back Channel to Moscow: Confidential Diplomacy and Detente, recently said that such informal back channels are meant to supplement, not supplant official policy. Kushner's harebrained scheme was to use Russian equipment in Russian embassies to contact the highest echelon of Russia's political hierarchy (presumably Putin). And it's impossible to think Kushner would've even broached the subject behind Trump's back rather than Trump using his son in law as an envoy.
     But, hey, Michael Flynn was at that same meeting that Kushner failed to report on his SF86 form when he applied for his top secret security clearance and later he met with a powerful Russian banker (a meeting neither wants to talk about). Sounds legit to me. And I'm sure at the GOP National convention last summer, Trump, Flynn, Sessions and the rest of his mafia spoke with Kislyak (then failed to mention it) about Russia's cute little dancing bears and what a shame it was that Ted Nugent hasn't been entered into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

5) Donald Trump
     I'm sure when Fox host Kimberly Guilfoyle revealed today that Donald Trump actually called her to ask her how to do his job, she was bragging and wasn't at all horrified that he was soliciting advice from a talking head on how to run the most powerful nation on earth.
     Yes, if you're looking for suspects for who made Donnie Dumbo walk away from the Paris Climate Accord as well as what will surely be a huge raft of disastrous policy decisions, you can add to right wing nut jobs Steve Bannon and Scott Pruitt a walking brain stem attached to two legs named Kimberly Guilfoyle.
     Imagine the outrage that would've ensued if it had come out that Obama had conspired with MSNBC for advice on policy matters...

4) The White House
     June is National Pride Month. It is set in June in commemoration of the Stonewall riot that took place in June of 1969. Since his first year as President and straight through until last year, President Barack Obama had designated June Pride Month. But things have changed considerably since January 20th. After proclaiming things such as National Homeownership Month and other pseudo month-long holidays, Trump failed to name June Pride Month. No doubt, his baleful hangeron Mike Pence (who by now must be measuring the Oval Office for racks and Iron Maidens), had some influence with this "oversight."
     Pence, you might remember, as Indiana's governor, signed into law the "It's OK to Discriminate Against Teh Gays Because I'm Giving You a Get Out of Free Jail Card Named Religion" bill. Pence was also the piece of shit who'd made it legal to siphon funds from HIV research to fund, instead, gay conversion therapy outfits. And still, reconstituted Log Cabin Republicans and big gay donors cling to this guy like he's the Second Coming of Harvey Milk. Their reason? See lead image above.

3) Kathy Griffin
     It's one thing to lampoon the President of the United States, whoever it is, and even call for their impeachment when circumstances warrant it. But part-time celebrity Kathy Griffin took herself a bit too seriously and was videotaped holding up a fake, blood-drenched Donald Trump head as if she was some ISIS terrorist with a new trophy. Despite how absurdly easy it is to ridicule Donald Trump, the Office of the Presidency, if nothing else, needs to be respected and this plainly sends out the wrong message to anyone with too much time and ammo on their hands. As a result of this stupid stunt, Griffin lost her one night a year gig on CNN plus at least one commercial endorsement.
     However, Griffin's tastelessness aside, it was amusing to see the right wing nut jobs (such as California Patriot, my latest stalker and troll), lose their shit over it while remaining silent about all the burning lynchings in effigy we saw over the last eight years (Sasha Obama was also 11, as is Barron Trump, when an effigy of her father was hung and burned in 2008.). What was funniest was Trump himself whining about how his kids were having a hard time dealing with the gory imagery .

     Like these kids, for instance?

2) Hillary fucking Clinton
     Yes. Her again. For those about to stick their faces in barf bags, we salute you.
     Showing that she'd learned absolutely nada through the countless mistakes made by her Tammany Hall 2.0 campaign, Hillary fucking Clinton took to Codecon and essentially blamed her campaign's failure despite massive backing from women, the establishment Democrats, the MSM, Wall Street and the DNC on everyone who wasn't married to the 42nd president.
     The newly-rebranded radical centrist also sorta half-joked that Trump's word of the day "covfefe" was a code to the Russians. Yes, it was Vlad Putin who orchestrated her ignoring an important union just before election night, alienated Hispanics with her "taco bowl outreach" and "abuela" comments and shoved her into bed with every banking and corporate scumbag within 100 miles of Wall Street.
     Oh, and she's writing a new memoir that'll crystallize these conspiracy theories for public consumption because the consolation of a high seven figure advance is exactly what Hillary fucking Clinton deserves after perhaps the most embarrassing defeat in US political history.

1) "President" Donald Trump
     Also late this past week, the Koch brothers' latest temp worker (aka US President Donald Trump) did as many of us predicted and pulled out of the Paris Climate Accord like his father Fred should've done from his wife's snatch back in 1945. That's right, this was in defiance of the skepticism of withdrawing from the Accord by business leaders, champion polluter Rex Tillerson, Gary Cohn and even the First Lady Ivanka. This was bad enough, as the Paris Accord has 194 other participating nations (including North Korea). This puts us in a tiny, elite community with Syria and Nicaragua (which won't be joining in for very good reasons).
     But Trump, inevitably, made it much worse by taking to the Rose Garden and explaining his reasons, all of which were horseshit that could benefit only the flowers behind him. In the World According to Trump, if we ever violated the Accord, they could sue us (No, they can't.) Meaning the Accord would legally bind us (No, it wouldn't). We could renegotiate it later as if it's another bankruptcy settlement (No, we can't).
     Essentially, as if he hadn't during his Hindenburg of a foreign trip last month, Trump is isolating us from the rest of the planet save for Russia in every conceivable way and this is the icing on the cake. German Chancellor Angela Merkel took the extraordinary step of saying the rest of the world could no longer rely on the US. French President Macron has been in Trump's grill ever since his decision (which Trump blamed on the latter's "aggressive handshake"). And at least three governors of big states (CA, NY and WA) have decided to sign on to the climate accord. Meaning, far from Trump distancing himself from the rest of the planet, the planet's moving on without him.
     Fellow billionaire Elon Musk and Disney CEO Bob Iger are among them.

Dishonorable Mention


     In a silly yet tragic reprise of Get Shorty, last March Oklahoma state senator and Trump backer Ralph Shortey was caught in a motel room with an underaged boy whom Shortey had solicited for sex via text message. To show how unbelievably stupid Republicans are, the day after he was busted for "engaging in child prostitution, prostitution within 1,000 feet of a church, and transporting a minor for the purposes of prostitution", he posted the above picture of himself on Facebook with Donald Trump, Jr, which I'm sure must've absolutely thrilled the First Family. To show what a craven piece of shit Shortey is, police found him hidden behind the door just opened by the underaged boy (Maybe he should have called Darrell Issa for tips on evasion). Oh, I'm sorry, did I refer to Shortey as an OK state senator? He's a former state senator now. He resigned his post so he can spend more time with NAMBLA.

1 Comments:

At June 3, 2017 at 7:11 PM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherford said...

Good one. Thanks!

 

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