Interview With Congressman Jack Kimble (CA-54)

     For nigh unto 16 years, I've been running a byline on this liberal septic tank of a blog in a desperate attempt to inject some ideological balance and conservative common sense into it. I've posted my byline and even had written a few letters to stalwart patriots. But one thing I'd never done was interview one of those fellow Conservative-Americans. Then one day I was tooling around on Twitter, a great social media site for those of us who think the US Constitution can be a bore, inconvenience and a nuisance, when I met a true Republican superhero and his name is Jack Kimble from California's great 54th district. Jack is not only a multi-term Congressman but also a literary powerhouse in his own right and is the author of the deathless crime thriller, Detective Jesus, as well as Profiles in Courageousness for those of you who still believe in law and order as well as great Republican entertainment.

 

1) Congressman, I try to stay apprised of politics in between corporate raiding and tax evasion. But, regardless of how current the map is, I cannot find California's 54th congressional district. So what do you represent?

 

I represent the 54^th District, which is the greatest district in California and one of the greatest in the entire country but more than that I represent freedom, liberty, the downtrodden and the American people.

2) The liberal muckrakers are making hay over the fact that Tim Pool and several other conservative influencers work for a company that was given $10,000,000 at a clip of $100,000 a week to simply give their listeners a more Russian point of view. What are your views of this misunderstood and maligned act of Russian generosity?

 

This is foreign interference and I refuse to condone any sort of propaganda efforts that include bribing America’s influencers yet fails to include our hard-working legislators.

3) You came within a cat's whisker of being named Trump's running mate. Do you harbor any ill will toward the Trump campaign and what do you think the president's reasons were for passing on you and picking fellow bestselling author JD Vance?

 

I think I was let down by my supporters not buying enough copies of Detective Jesus #1: Thou Shalt Not Kill to put it on any of the best seller lists. I know it hurts, but those of you who call yourselves my supporters utterly failed me.

4)

     My baby brother Cecil, seen above, was a budding corporate titan who'd set up www.cecilsprays.com, the world's first video sex chat room. His business model was simple: My family had used their connections in the Soviet KGB to "acquire", let's say, male talent from Eastern European youth hostels and gave them economic opportunities by domiciling them in an abandoned sex doll factory in Slovenia. Then one of the ungrateful whelps sawed his foot off and escaped and that's when everything fell apart.

     So, my question to you, Congressman, is have you set up any businesses on the side during your time in Congress?

 

Not really though I am looking to sell watches now. In the brief period between when I left the Trump administration and my return to Congress, I worked at Mugs-N-Such. Mostly, I sold the such.

5) My late father, Ambrose, was a Congressman himself out of New York City and, in the first six months of 1952, served the most glorious quarter term in Congressional history. The only thing that derailed his political career was a whiny 19 year-old intern who just couldn't adjust to having my father's hand up her dress up to eight hours a day. But you've been in Congress out of CA-54 for several terms. What's the secret to your longevity?

 

I try to avoid politics like the plague. It feels like most arguments on my job start with politics. I’ve made it my business to avoid all political discussions and focus on other things like our fantasy football teams or barbecue tips.

6)

     My little girl, Bertha, departs from the family's conservative values by supporting LGBTQ+ rights. At least, she appears to as she stares down at our maid Rosie from the top of the stairs while curling 50 pound dumb bells. My good friend Donald Trump exposed a nefarious ring of predators by telling the American people that their sons are coming back home as girls because school nurses are performing illegal gender reassignment surgery in the nurse's office. What would you do in your next term to keep these deviants from doing this to our children?

 

The key is keeping the nurses out of schools and we can best do that by cutting education funding. That money could then be used to cut taxes on America’s job creators.

7) I was at the 9/11 ceremony recently and stood behind President Trump and JD Vance. It gave my heart a thrill seeing JD doing a brisk business at Ground Zero, madly making change and wearing two dozen MAGA hats on his head. How did you commemorate 9/11, Congressman?

 

I like to dial 911 and talk to whoever picks up the phone. A lot of times, they don’t see the connection between the date and their phone number. It’s always a good chance to leisurely catch up with an American citizen and remember we’re all Americans.

8) I was in Florida just today playing golf with President Trump when the latest assassination attempt happened. The Secret Service knocked me over as they all jumped on Trump like a bunch of bums on the last roast beef sandwich at a Bowery soup kitchen. Apparently, they'd seen a rifle barrel poking out of a bush and after they finally unpeeled themselves off him, the president said, "I still want to a drop a golf ball in the middle of the fairway," before raising his fist at that fairway on the 5th Hole even though there was no one on it to see his heroic gesture of defiance.

     My question, Congressmen, is what can we do to strengthen security around incredibly unpopular Republicans that even other Republicans want to kill?

 

There was a John Travolta movie in the 1970s about a boy who lived in a bubble. Surely after 50 years, we should have the technology to make one of those bubbles bullet proof.

9) Taylor Swift is obviously trying to make President Trump look bad. While Trump leaves cities and large security debts behind, Swift buys popularity by donating to food pantries and giving away vast sums of money in every city in which she performs. What conservative celebrity of Swift's stature can we find in the last 35 days before the election to endorse Trump and tip the scales back in his favor?

 

A lot of people don’t remember Scott Baio’s musical career, but he seems poised to take on Taylor Swift in a battle of the bands with the loser dropping out of the election.

10) Taylor Swift aside, other liberal musicians like Jack White and Issac Hayes' corpse have sued President Trump and preventing him from honoring their music at his rallies. Should Trump instead play music by proper conservative musicians like Ted Nugent and Kid Rock? Or should he stay with gay hookup songs by the Village People?

 

I think if Ted Nugent wrote a gay hookup song, it would be amazing. The man has that kind of talent. There’s no reason our musicians can’t create songs that people can dance to.

11) 

President Trump has been getting a lot of flak lately from the liberal media about alternative reality theorist Laura Loomer being attached to his campaign like an Alabama tick on a moose. Of course, it's just the usual liberal alarmism. Not only is Ms Loomer a brilliant citizen journalist, she also injects an element of terror that the Trump campaign doesn't have and needs. And her face alone, which makes her look like a vinyl masked bank robber, can scare voters out of voting for Harris.

     So, conveniently setting aside the fact that she's seen with the president much, much more often than his own wife, Melania, what other benefits do you see having Loomer on Trump Force One and Jeffrey Epstein’s Lolita Express?

 

During the campaign, I truthfully only see limited value on having her advise the President. However, after the election, I think Ms. Loomer will be able to lock America’s enemies in rooms and give them a series of painful and deadly challenges over closed circuit television monitors.

12) I'm going to close out this interview by making an observation on the unrest in Springfield, Ohio. The Haitians are obviously there to take the black jobs that were created by the Trump administration nearly four years ago. Since Hillbilly Elegy showed us what a gifted storyteller JD Vance is, should the senator continue spinning tales to add to our already rich national mythology regarding non-white workers or should we let the bomb threats run their course?

 

Haiti is a very different place from the US, but the immigrants are very hard workers. I believe JD has mentioned a plan to put them to work in the furniture industry. If they were fed in the factory, we could get them into a more American-style diet.