Boolean Bozoism X: June 2009-January 2009

Ari Fleischer once said early in the Bush administration, “We’d all better watch what we say,” and truer words were never spoken. Little did I know when I began blogging nearly four and a half years ago that the most innocent of posts with the most honorable of context would draw so many inappropriate readers looking for God knows what. Now, I get a perverse satisfaction knowing that my successful post, “Top Ten Conservative Books of All Time” has lured what must have been well over 100 many unsuspecting Republicans into Pottersville looking for “top conservative books” only to get smacked upside the head.

And, granted, since my last blog, Bob Herbert and I are no longer getting hits from pedophiles looking for kindergarten-aged girls but there are still plenty of pervs, right wingers and the post-literate to provide Pottersville with plenty of chuckles during my periodic search engine search phrase safari. Below are the most noteworthy ones that I’ve found in the last six months in Welcome Back to Pottersville’s first year.

As the first group shows, I am immediately remorseful for my post from last spring, “Fuck Hospital Corners.” Little did I know…

oldman fuck sister hospital
hospital fuck sites
quick fuck in hospital
fuck the hospital girl
FUCK IN THE HOSPETL
very older fuck in hospital
hospital fuck

Then there are the usual suspects who ask idiotic, almost Zen-like questions as if the internet is some gigantic, high tech 8-Ball:

when did civil war II take place (April 9, 1865-present)
what should i write in a welcome back card (“I was photocopying my ass on the Ricoh last week and I had an accident. So when you get settled back in…”)
when is mother fuckers day (Typically, on Father’s Day and Valentine’s Day.)
If he cut her hair is he a sociopath
is a 7in dick big? (If you’re an uptight Republican, it’ll feel like a telephone pole.)
i hate fucking republican assclowns (Then stop fucking them.)
how can you tell if a scorpion i a boy or girl?
would there be another civil war if the government take away the second amendment (Yeah, but then we’d have to fight with pillows, nerf bats and water balloons and wouldn’t that be a shame?)
is roland burris corrupt? (Yes. Now aren’t you glad you have the internet so you no longer have to think and judge for yourself?)
can a sociopath say sorry (Yes, but he must really, really want to.)
can u pliz help me with the welcoming speech for our big tea party (Sure. Start with, “My fellow historically-challenged, ironically-crippled conservative asshats: Teabagging has a long, proud history among us Republicans…”)
without a war in the middle east, will americans start fighting themselves?
what do you ask in a census form? (Why? Are you writing your own?)

air guitar sex
projectile vomit on cock (Talk about blowing your lunch)
hery potter in fuck
the only bad thing about San Diego vampires (…is that most of them are Republican.)
man hit his own dick with a hammer
another word for hiding something in ones ass in prison bouf
William Spector changes parties (How much you want to bet he actually was thinking of Phil Spector?)
www.german fuck palast.com
jurassic pork dick (Thanks for the show of concern but I still have it.)
how to fuck the lady from back

Then there are those who are worried if everyone can and will use the race card:

can i use the race card
term for pulling the race card (Uh, “pulling the race card,” maybe?)
Why do liberal pull the race card all the time

I praise the Lord on marijuana
21 inch cox sucking (But by the time the guy starts squirting he’s already smoking a cigarette.)
arab own dick (After Bush, that’s about the only thing half of them still own.)
boy caught deliberately jerking off by mom (Which I guess is worse than being caught by Mom while accidentally jerking off. Which segues neatly into…)
mom talks dirty and jerks off son
politically liberal serial killers (Oh, no, they’re not reaching at all.)
how to unswollen an eye bone (Another future Surgeon General heard from.)
ll you have to do is get on your hands and knees and beg me to fuck your married hole
top 10 conservative liberal pastors (I wonder if he finally found a site listing the top ten moderate pastors?)
how did greasing initiations begin (Which sounds less disgusting than…)
piss initiation
summer wear winter wear commercial in the 80's fat lady (See, you were going along just swimmingly until you had to mention the 80’s…)
levi johnston's dick (Wait another year. He’ll be doing gay porn with John Wayne Bobbit.)
jp sleeping wife fucked (OK, now we’re getting personal.)
Bos fuck my sister
what to say to a sociopath (“You’re OK, I’m OK and just an object to be used for your personal, brutal gratification”?)
homicidal republicans (A tautology for the ages.)

The six search phrases below partly explain why I get so many hits from the Deep South…

black neighborhoods are dangerous
dangerous black people
people in the cevil war back than that black
do negros have tails?
shellbacks and niggers
post katrina black crime (Such as DWB: Drowned While Black.)

As you can expect, an anti-conservative blog would naturally attract a balancing point of view:

andrew jackson was a son of a bitch (Minstrel Boy, was that you again?)
what did president t andrew jackson offer to the tribes? (An exciting change of venue, so exciting, in fact, they wept with joy along the trail.)
Bill Clinton Never trust a curved penis (Believe it or not, someone actually wrote that.)
when andrew jackson was impeached did he have to leave right away (He was impeached?! I’m sure that’ll be news to our two-term 7th president.)
barney frank is an asshat

white males cannot be predjudiced against (Neither can they spell, obviously.)
top 10 mein kampf books (Well, let’s see… There’s “Mein Kampf”, then there’s uh, hold on…)
hole layer gay pope (I think I know what he was looking for but this boy seriously needs to be educated about advanced searches.)
"rodney dangerfield Psychodynamic Approach" (“Last week I told my shrink I was schizophrenic. He charged me the group rate!”)
Mr.President I love to lov
its just a joke. it's all a fucking joke.
angry little fucker orcel merrill lynch
pentecostal boy fucking
glen beck is a fat fuck psycho racist (And you actually expected me to support that view? In that case, you came to the right place!)
cock suckers of America (Well, the GOP wanted our party to change its name to “Democrat Socialists of America” so I have a suggestion for them…)
i hate you mr bush (Well, not too sufficiently if you still call him “Mr.”)
amputee sex (Or, “101 Marvelous Uses For Stumps.”)
i see me in him i think he's a sociopath
MUSLIMS ARE COCKSUCKERS
weıcome to the officiaı site of arabian dicks (I think I just discovered what Michael Brown's new job is.)
name republicans who didn't pay Taxes Duke Cunningham and Ted Stevens (Oh, you’ll have to do a fuck of a lot better than that, dude…)
top 25 white dick
my president is half white and I'm proud (Yeah, thank God we technically kept that streak going…)
what is another word for welcome (Republicans say, “Willkommen.”)
jızz hut (So that explains the white sauce pizza I once got at Pizza Hut…)
CROCO FAMILY ORGY JIZZ (Was it catered by Jizz Hut?)
gallup survey obama muslim (We needed a survey to arrive at a consensus for that?!)

This last group makes me wonder why these lunatics haven’t been restrained from getting within 100 yards of a keyboard or Blackberry by an Act of Congress:

May i know about worldwide president's penis?
work again show a penis
madisans far week penis
you spin me around count penis (3 penises, sucky sucky one in middle.)
Welcome to Beg Tits like Big Dicks
is it true that american soldiers are fucking to their juniers
MATTER FUCK IN BED
thick yellow bone bouncing her ass
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST DIGITAL (Yeah, I miss hands on watches, too, dude.)
arabic old man big cock fucked phil. Man
laxatives radio contest petition (Oh, I’d like to have heard that winning entry. Or exit.)