Mel Gibson's Advice for the Lovelorn

"Dear Mr. Gibson:

My girlfriend and I are having problems. She's already met my family and they like her well enough but she says 'it's still not the right time' for me to meet her folks. Should I read something into this or am I just being paranoid?

Signed, Ron in Tempe, Arizona"

Dear Ron:

Is she a Jewess with big fucking tits? You may want to ask the bitch if her massive hooters are real and furthermore, I'd check your credit card statements just to make sure you didn't pay for those ridiculous honkers. Her family doesn't want to meet you because you're a respectable white gentile. You know how they are.

"Dear Mel:

Big fan, firsttime writer.

Anyway, I wanted to know if it's OK for my girlfriend and I to have sex. Actually, she's my fiancee and we're getting married in 10 months but we've been dating for 5 years and we're both feeling the pressure. Any advice you could give would be deeply appreciated. Thanks!

Stan in Seattle."

Dear Stan:

Don't tell me: She's a n*gger with more plastic than Cher, right? Yeah, they just wanna do it all night long and live in your house. Do yourself a favor: Sign a prenup agreement whether you're married or not. Best thing I ever did. God knows how many times her huge hooters and those tight clothes she wears got her raped by a gang of n*ggers.

"Dear Mr. Gibson:

I'm in the 6th grade and I just met a girl I really like. I've never felt this way about a girl before and I can't get her to notice me. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Timmy in Boston"

Dear Timmy:

Oh, lemme guess: Is she one of those JAPs? Figures. They think their shit doesn't stink. And by JAPs, I don't mean those slopes that your grandaddy waxed in the South Pacific. My advice: Keep fucking your fist. That's what it's for when you're not punching Jews or blacks.

I'm too old for this shit, Rog.

Mel Gibson is an Academy award-winning filmmaker and actor whose advice column is syndicated in over 800 newspapers.