Last night on NBC, billionaire real estate mogul Donald Trump announced that he will
not be seeking the Republican nomination for president next year. While maintaining he could easily win the nomination and the general election, Mr. Trump stated he was not ready to leave the private sector. But his statement provided other reasons for not running. What were they?
10) Said his hair wasn't in it.9) Fears Russian spy satellites will discover secret to patented combover.8) The Apprentice was renewed by NBC and Trump heard rumors he would be replaced as host by fellow billionaire George Soros.7) Speaker of the House John Boehner privately informed him Washington DC wasn't big enough for two orange men and that he couldn't carry the Oompa Loompa demographic.6) Presidential run would distract him from planned hostile takeover of Hair Club For Men.5) The president showing his birth certificate and killing Osama bin Laden within days deprived him of vital "I am a querulous, racist douchebag" political platform.4) The multibillionaire was skeptical he'd have the cash flow all but guaranteed to Obama's reelection campaign.3) Was recently told proposed running mate Daddy Warbucks didn't actually exist.2) He couldn't guarantee he'd still be a Republican by the end of the election.1) Ex-wife Ivana would've proved Trump's combover actually started as a prop in 1980 during their socialite/gigolo role-playing sex game.
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