Ricky Retardo, the Piece of Hot Dog in the Esophagus of America

There are different ways to interpret this speech that easily rivals the worst days Michele Bachmann or Herman Cain ever had on the campaign trail:

There's the hypothesis that, just for shits and giggles, some practical joker in Perry's campaign hid his meds or slipped him a mickey just before this speech in New Hampshire last night. There's another that Perry somehow fell into a wormhole that ejaculated him out like a noxious ball of rancid semen into some alternate dimension in which right wing talking points reigned supreme (Oh, wait, we all fell into that alternate dimension. Never mind.).

My personal favorite is that this wasn't a campaign speech at all but an AA intervention and somewhere on the way, and overcome by grief by yet another World Series failure, Perry fell off the wagon. During the intervention, he was then possessed by the spirit of a conservative 13 year-old girl who happened to be in a giddy mood.

Really, that's the only way to fully explain Perry's performance in New Hampshire where he gushed about the state's motto of "Live free or die" and how Texans love apocalyptic bumper sticker slogans like that. He mentioned the "death tax" and how he would love to see that die before anyone. This is an edited video designed to make Perry look stupid (challenging as that would be, I know) but it comprises almost a third of his 25 minute-long speech. I mean, how much fucking context do you need?

He gestured, gesticulated and genuflected like a Pope with Parkinson's and ADHD, giggled and essentially did everything but put his index finger under his chin and curtsey before the Republican power brokers in attendance. I've always been an atheist but after reviewing Perry's performance last night, I started believing in God again and began my newfound faith by thanking Him for not making him my governor.

It's no wonder that Perry has all but decided to abandon the Republican campaign debate circuit in the reality series based on the DSM IV. He's using the tried-and-untrue Republican tactic, the Homer Simpson line, "Stupid (insert any noun or verb)!" when his ineptitude is called out by bloggers and the MSM. Palin had decided to essentially go into Mama Grizzly hibernation after her train wreck of an interview with Katie Couric (which was all her fault, doncha know?).

And when the strait jacket models of the GOP can make you look like some aging porno star who'd been pummeled senseless and dropped off by your captors at the front door of the debate, your entire body save for your penis tightly wrapped in duct tape, you know your campaign is sucking wind.

There's really not much to add to this campaign speech except to say if I was a Lone Star resident, this and the World Series would make me want to leave that national embarrassment aka Texas and take out a time share in Hell. And while anklebiters like Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann are merely cat hairs in the public eye, Rick Perry is the semi-chewed piece of hot dog in the nation's esophagus. And, despite his 6% support, I've a sick feeling Perry won't be fading away any time soon. After all, if I'd said before this summer that Michele Bachmann then Herman Cain would be leading in the GOP polls, you'd have thought I was as crazy as them.

Therefore, Rick Perry proves that we're going to be in some need of political Heimlich maneuvering before the GOP convention next summer.