Why Isn't There a White History Month?

     (By Cyril Blubberpuss, Esq.) 
     Last week as I stepped on a crippled, homeless veteran to avoid walking into a puddle on Wall Street, I was asking a junior stockbroker, "How come the blacks get their own history month? Why don't Caucasian-Americans have their own history month?" He looked at me as if I had Occupy Wall Street hippies crawling out of my cock hole but it's a fair enough question.
     It's literally impossible to overlook the contributions of Caucasian-Americans. After all, it's Harvard, Yale, Princeton and Bob Jones university alumni who went on to become the engineers, politicians and lobbyists that made America the Jack Dempsey of nations until a certain Muslim, Kenyan usurper cast his Svengali influence over 60,000,000 Americans.
     So, I've commandeered JP's Twitter account for the day and have highlighted significant contributions that white Americans have made over the last couple of centuries. And what better day to do this than Groundhog Day, the only day remaining when a white man can still wear a top hat without being ridiculed and compared to that fat little porker in Monopoly?

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Playwright Lillian Hellman discovers mayonaisse by accident. #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

In 1958, the Bruins signed their first black player the year before the #RedSox, beginning Reconstruction in the NHL. #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

@giantsweettart 1787: Thomas Jefferson rapes Sally Hemings, pioneering the proud southern tradition of miscegenation. #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

Martin Mull's WHITE AMERICA premieres in 1985, debuting with "White Stress" locatetv.com/tv/martin-mull… #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

1961, Affirmative Action begins when Rita Mae Jefferson is made the manager of the sneaker bin in the Mobile, AL K-Mart. #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

1948, Strom Thurmond runs for the presidency on a segregationist platform that didn't include his own penis. #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

Ancient Rome institutionalizes slavery but, unlike in the American south, slaves are empowered to elevate themselves.#whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

2001-2007, George W. Bush courageously refuses to bow to political correctness & ignores the NAACP for 7 straight years. #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

Mass shootings by GOP targets blacks, Latinos, women & gays kept to 0 by patriotic, well-regulated, white @nra gun nuts. #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

In 1977, the KKK produces its own version of ROOTS, is denied right to revise history and miniseries never airs. #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

1793: Eli Whitney invents the cotton gin, thereby not making the lives of slaves harvesting in the fields one bit easier. #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013

Confederate Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest founds the KKK in 1865, thereby starting the black craze of nighttime jogging. #whitehistorymonth
— Robert Crawford (@jurassicpork59) February 2, 2013